My Angel

Hi everyone,

I am so thankful that something like this exists and to know that others are going through the exact same thing as I am right now. I guess it doesn't matter how I got where I am right now but it would at least help me to finally verbalize something that has plagued me for the last year or more of my life. I'm married, have a 3 year old daughter, and am also working on a Master's Degree. So needless to say, its a busy time for me to be going through something that monopolizes my entire being. At first I started out 1 a day, long story short, ended up at 8 per day. The bad thing is I knew what I was getting myself in to. I had a friend who was addicted to the very same pill but was taking up to 14 per day for almost 2 years. I actually helped him go through the horrifying withdrawal, all the while ashamed of myself for having the same secret addiction. There have been about 4 times over the past 1 plus year that I have run out of pills for 3 -5 days at a time. So I've got through the beginning part of withdrawal more than once. And yet I still picked up right where I left off time and time again. And now I'm in a much worse spot. I purposefully ran out of pills because I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I wanted to have one more child but I consistently put it off because I wasn't ready to quit Tramadol. I was beginning to taper off of the pill when we started to try to conceive. I didn't expect to get pregnant after only trying THREE times. I did not time that whole thing with quitting the drug and conceiving a baby at all. But the fact of the matter is, whats done is done. So my tapering went VERY quickly. From 8, to 6 to 5 to 4 to 2 to 0 in the matter of 2 weeks. So now I am 6 weeks pregnant and I will soon be on day 5 of no Tramadol. I'm so miserable physically, but even moreso mentally. I keep thinking that my unborn baby is suffering right along with me. I feel such guilt and immense shame. My intentions were good, but that's about it. So now I have withdrawal symptoms on top of pregnancy symptoms on top of severe mental anguish. However, nothing close to suicidal thoughts or a very deep depression. So that is a bit of good news. I'll take what I can get.
On the topic of withdrawal: it f***ing blows. I haven't slept the past three nights. I'm currently working on night four of the joys of insomnia. I have cold chills running up my body and yet my legs and feet feel so warm, I also have some unexplainable chills in my chest area that can be best described as the pins and needles feeling that one may feel in their legs. So just in case I can't get enough of that feeling in my legs, I get the added bonus of feeling it in my chest AND arms. Restless arms? Only Tramadol would be evil enough to come up with that one. I dread with every fiber of my being when night time rolls around because I know what lies ahead. But no matter how badly night time goes for me, I think the morning hours may be giving the night time a run for its money. It is a living nightmare to drag myself out of bed, and not because I'm sleepy and comfortable. That couldn't be further from reality. I can't get myself up because I feel like absolute hell. I feel like a loser, I feel like every one else is normal and I'm a weak little girl that can't handle life or something. How do I do this? How do I DO this?!
How long does the insomnia last? The insomnia is the worst part for me. I got into Tramadol in the first place because I was a terrible sleeper. Tramadol enabled me to sleep and to look forward, rather than dread, going to sleep at night. It made me feel normal in more ways than one.
Any encouraging words, or honest words, about what is to come for me and this horrible journey? I am so grateful I have so many posts to read and relate to myself and what I'm going through. Thank you for that opportunity.