All Journal Entries
Journals
The choices we make...
Nov 06, 2009 08:05PM
- 0 comments
I've been trying to figure out where I went wrong.... 6 years ago I met a wonderful man. He was kind, generous and seemed to love talking to me and being in conversation with me. I did not see that his personality was in total opposition to mine. I did not see his controlling nature or his particular desire for simplicity. I had no idea that when I shared with him who I was, at 38 I thought I knew who I was, that he would not file that information in a place where he could access it or use it. I had no idea that as the months passed that he would no longer make me a priority in his life. I had no idea that as much as I tried to please him, change who I was to accommodate his needs, that I would indeed lose myself. I had no thought to what would happen to me as time went on and I was not paid attention to as I required as that had never happened to me before.
When you get married, it is so that two shall become one. It is not that you become one all at once, but that it's something you work towards together as the years pass. It's an action that is on going, not an instant conversion when you say I do. So I wonder then, if indeed that one may choose not to become one on purpose, thereby allowing that transition to falter and never occur? What would prevent someone from desiring to become one I also wonder.
I went into this marriage with open arms, open heart and open dreams. My desire was to be all that I could be as a couple, as a team, and yet I'm here defending this goal all by myself. But I don't want to play this game all by myself otherwise why would I have gotten married?
So let me return to the beginning and start over again. If I once again tell him who I am, what I want, what I need and he chooses to ignore me, then can I walk away knowing that it will be the same as it is now and avert any further disappointments? Or was my mistake in telling him who I was, what I wanted, what I needed and he's married to the challenge of changing me into what he wants me to be? You may see why I'm so confused and hurt right now.
I believed that by putting myself out there, up front, no holds barred, that he would choose me because of who I was, what I wanted and what I needed. That he would honor that in me, respect my goals and fulfill my needs. I thought and believed that he shared those same things with me. He gave no comments to the contrary. Was I then duped into thinking that we were similar when in reality, he was biding his time to spring on me who he really was? And why the elaborate lie? Did he not see the strength in me that came from God and realize that he is no match for God? And why did I think that it was God that had led him to me or that he was the "one"? Had this all been an excercise in futility and just a game on the part of the evil one to keep me from the real "One" that God has for me?
I'm not sad, or scared. I'm am not feeling at all actually, just contemplative as to where my next step will be.
Do I ask him for children, knowing that he will not be there for them, just to satisfy my own needs? Can God use that to change his heart as well? If I am not enough to do that, I don't want to bring a child into this world that will be as longing for love from him as I have been.
So is that my answer? Do I forgo the desire for children and stay with him or seek that which I have always wanted with someone who has the same goals? The fear in leaving what is comfortable is quite a lot at the moment. But at least I have my wits about me now as never before. I think I am a bit sad... in regards to the dreams I had of one day sharing a family with a man whom I stood before God and promised to love, honor and cherish the rest of my days. There is an emptiness where he used to be in my life that is so vast, I don't know if he will ever be able to journey across it and take me back. Or my fear is that he would not want to at this point as his heart has hardened towards me.
Where do I go from here? How do I have hope that he will choose differently, but yet prepare myself for the worst? Is this what I feared back in April following my marriage when I first realized that he had pulled away from me? Is that what sent me whirling into the abyss on my depression with the help of the wrong medications? Have we not had enough that would have pulled him closer to me, but he chose to push away even harder?
The quandary remains as to what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do. Again time is what will tell, but the time is running out on my dreams with this man. Unless he decides to get in the game with me and help to defend the goal, the other team will score and the game will be over. We are already in overtime and the clock is ticking...
When you get married, it is so that two shall become one. It is not that you become one all at once, but that it's something you work towards together as the years pass. It's an action that is on going, not an instant conversion when you say I do. So I wonder then, if indeed that one may choose not to become one on purpose, thereby allowing that transition to falter and never occur? What would prevent someone from desiring to become one I also wonder.
I went into this marriage with open arms, open heart and open dreams. My desire was to be all that I could be as a couple, as a team, and yet I'm here defending this goal all by myself. But I don't want to play this game all by myself otherwise why would I have gotten married?
So let me return to the beginning and start over again. If I once again tell him who I am, what I want, what I need and he chooses to ignore me, then can I walk away knowing that it will be the same as it is now and avert any further disappointments? Or was my mistake in telling him who I was, what I wanted, what I needed and he's married to the challenge of changing me into what he wants me to be? You may see why I'm so confused and hurt right now.
I believed that by putting myself out there, up front, no holds barred, that he would choose me because of who I was, what I wanted and what I needed. That he would honor that in me, respect my goals and fulfill my needs. I thought and believed that he shared those same things with me. He gave no comments to the contrary. Was I then duped into thinking that we were similar when in reality, he was biding his time to spring on me who he really was? And why the elaborate lie? Did he not see the strength in me that came from God and realize that he is no match for God? And why did I think that it was God that had led him to me or that he was the "one"? Had this all been an excercise in futility and just a game on the part of the evil one to keep me from the real "One" that God has for me?
I'm not sad, or scared. I'm am not feeling at all actually, just contemplative as to where my next step will be.
Do I ask him for children, knowing that he will not be there for them, just to satisfy my own needs? Can God use that to change his heart as well? If I am not enough to do that, I don't want to bring a child into this world that will be as longing for love from him as I have been.
So is that my answer? Do I forgo the desire for children and stay with him or seek that which I have always wanted with someone who has the same goals? The fear in leaving what is comfortable is quite a lot at the moment. But at least I have my wits about me now as never before. I think I am a bit sad... in regards to the dreams I had of one day sharing a family with a man whom I stood before God and promised to love, honor and cherish the rest of my days. There is an emptiness where he used to be in my life that is so vast, I don't know if he will ever be able to journey across it and take me back. Or my fear is that he would not want to at this point as his heart has hardened towards me.
Where do I go from here? How do I have hope that he will choose differently, but yet prepare myself for the worst? Is this what I feared back in April following my marriage when I first realized that he had pulled away from me? Is that what sent me whirling into the abyss on my depression with the help of the wrong medications? Have we not had enough that would have pulled him closer to me, but he chose to push away even harder?
The quandary remains as to what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do. Again time is what will tell, but the time is running out on my dreams with this man. Unless he decides to get in the game with me and help to defend the goal, the other team will score and the game will be over. We are already in overtime and the clock is ticking...
