nov. 6, 09

Your story sounds all to familiar to me! In fact it was difficult to read. i have been in the same 'cycle' or various versions of it for the past  years after a series of unortunate events/accidents within a 3 month time frame including my wedding, broken foot. DVT(3 large blood clots), fibromyalgia diagnosis.and finally a 70+mile head on collision that stretched and/or tore most of the ligaments supporting my entire spine among other things. all of this happened to me between Sept--December 2004. Nothing in my life has been right since. At first I was angry and in denial. I could not accept the fact that I wold have to life (productively) with a minimum pain level of 4. It seemed so unfair to be handed this burden all because an ignorant teenager thought he could drive like Mario Andretti. While I was receiving 5-8 various treatment per week (and some were near unbearably painful) my biggest wish was that kid would be made to walk a day in my shoes and endure just 24 hours feeling what I felt as a result of his carelessness. I was so angry for  a period of time....Anyway!....sorry I got way off track(guess I'm still a little resentful)....About this never ending-ever morphing cycle of PAIN-HOPE-MEDICATION-WITHDRAWLS-HOPELESSNESS-DOCTORS ADN MORE DOCTORS.  Its like being on a train that never takes you where you want to go and won't let you off.
       And yes. Everything you described sound exactly like my withdrwl experience with stepping my fentanyl dosage down in 25mcg.at a time. I was at a level of 250mcg every 48 hours. along with a miriad of other meds. I just got fed up one day and decided to end the cycle before any remnance of my former self diapeared alltogether. I found that XANAX was vey helpful on the 1st day of every 25mcg drop,which I did almost every 4 days until I reached 25 mcg. I felt so much better at first, like someone had lifted a thick, heavy veil off of my entire being. Things were more vivid, I had more energy but soon the reality of my life of pain returned and within a couple of months I was back up to 50 mcg but I refuse to take anysteps higher.
       I understand your own frustration with yourself although with my own experience with fentanyl patches, It has been a God sent for me.ARE YOU USING THE DURAGESIC TIMED RELEASE SKIN PATCH OR PILLS? i ask becaus this patch has been the one tried and true way that i can be confidant that i amy managing my pain and the med in a safe and responsible way. I have ben on oxycontin a couple of times for 3 to 16 months at a time and each time I began to ,In my own opinion,spiral out of control. eating them like candy because I loved the energy boost it gave me along with the pain relief. too bad I could never control the urge to have more. This left scared and ashamed in myself, so after a brieff pitty party, each time I would pick myself up and start over with the patch. I dont get the same level of relief but I refuse to go back there. I am  so afraid of the stigma of an opiod dependant chronic pain patient. I dont want to be 'that girl' so I often hide my true pain, anxiety and depression  from the world and let them see what I want them too. The hardest part of this whole thing fore me is the loss of control over every aspect of my life.  That is my issue. DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS! Have you ever tried to have a friend or trusted relative be your partner/ support system in this? Kinda like a workout buddy who wont let you slack off or cheat on a diet and is there as a souding board or advice and encouragement when you need it...but best of all to hold you accountable of your own self destructive behavior and KEEP YOU HONEST (...to yourself)
    HOPE THIS HELPS>   Sorry about the book, guess I need to get out more huh.              
Sincerely,