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Here we go!
Nov 16, 2009 09:46PM
- 8 comments
Tonight I took my last oxycontin. It was a 20 mg and I had only a half of one. I knew if I did it like this I might get some sleep tonight and be ready for my big sleep draught. I really struggled today with making the decision to do it cuase I knew I could of called my doc or my dealer and got more to tide me over til my next script. But the timing is right, works not too busy and I am in between new projects. In fact I have a few things I could work on at home if I can focus for a bit.
Also wondering what else I will do to pass the time. Even over the past week I have been obsessing about how many pills I had and whether they would last me, so its kind of a relief to just give in.
I feel somewhat certain that my wd wont be as bad as some because of my taper but I cant escape 9 years of putting garbage in my body.
I hope I will read back through these and remember what it was like. I am not one to write alot of words, dont talk much either, but I hope I will remember the feelings behind what I did write. I do need to acknowledge that a few months ago I would never of said as much as I have in here.
So if anyone is reading this could you do me a favour? Could you please say out loud "Jesus, Denise is needing your strength right now and has openned her heart to you" Sounds corny but that is what I have been saying all along and it has gotten me this far. A miracle in itself.
Good night and see you on the flip side.
Also wondering what else I will do to pass the time. Even over the past week I have been obsessing about how many pills I had and whether they would last me, so its kind of a relief to just give in.
I feel somewhat certain that my wd wont be as bad as some because of my taper but I cant escape 9 years of putting garbage in my body.
I hope I will read back through these and remember what it was like. I am not one to write alot of words, dont talk much either, but I hope I will remember the feelings behind what I did write. I do need to acknowledge that a few months ago I would never of said as much as I have in here.
So if anyone is reading this could you do me a favour? Could you please say out loud "Jesus, Denise is needing your strength right now and has openned her heart to you" Sounds corny but that is what I have been saying all along and it has gotten me this far. A miracle in itself.
Good night and see you on the flip side.
Your got it my friend.....I'm saying it out loud as I write it......Jesus,Denise is needing your strength right now and has opened her heart to you.....I will keep you in my prayers...You can do this and we are all right here to help support you through it...All the best...Kim
Denise,You're dealing with a double edged sword so just remember it cuts from both ends! I believe it would be in your best interest to let your doctor or pain specialist know you have an ADDICTION to opiate pain killers & he or she could put you on a less habit forming pain killer or a pain patch like duragesic.Oxycontin has some similar ingredients as cocaine! Hence thats why you get a speed from it which causes a brutal addiction! I have been on similar opioid drugs myself and I have always had trouble sleeping when I was taking them. GOD Bless, Docflick
WAY TO GO DENISE!!! :0) You are on your way, no more counting no more obsessing. You can do it !!! (out loud ) "Jesus, Denise is needing your Strength right now she has openned her heart to you PLEASE HELP HER TO BE STRONG LORD JESUS " Good Luck. PS. I am up late if you need to talk. Your Friend
God bless you Denise... "Jesus, Denise is needing Your strenght right now and she has openned her heart to you". As I was reading your post it sounded oh so familar in so many ways. (although I skipped the doctor and went for the dealer). The best thing you could have done you did...you came here and posted what was on your mind! Let me give you alittle history of myself and maybe that helps. As I type I ask God to take my fingers and help me to say what He would want me to say...I am a recoverying addict...3 years 3 months, and 17 days clean!!! I've been on this journey of recovery since July of 2003 of which in my drug of choice was opiates...I have been oxycotin clean since 2003, I relapsed 6 months later and still hit the opiates. No oxycotin...but that was only because I couldn't get access to it. I believe honesty as hard as it is, is the best...when I finally got honest about my addiction...and learned I could not be cured of it...finally I got clean time behind me. I will deal with this disease the rest of my life. I can tell you that one of the thousands of actions that I recieved from my choices got me a battle with Hep C, slayed that dragon in 2008. That was a hard won battle in which I will always suffer the repercussions of the rest of my life as it damaged my liver to the stage of Cirrohisis. As I said earlier just one of them...I also lost my family for many years, all my worldly belongings, my spiritual relations with God, and almost my life. As I list these...thousands more pop up in my head, however I cannot write them all for it would make for a very lengthy read. Needless to say I hit bottom and saying that feels like I haven't even touched the iceburg. It wasn't long into my addiction that it stopped doing what helped...then it became and obession of getting and using no matter what the cost. I hated my life, I hated my choices, I hated what it was doing to my life but I thought...that was my destiny. God said otherwise....now I have life, love, building back relationships, gaining back some of the things I lost...and most of all I'm so grateful for being here today. Life is good. You ask what you could do with your spare time...I have suggestions...again they are only suggestions and you have free will and choices!!! This quality of your life depends on how hard you want life...life that is good...Attend meetings....NA meetings AA meetings....that is the best place anyone battling an addiction can go...you will meet people just like you in all walks of life....but their stories are all the same...do anything different that what you have been doing...instead of counting pills count hours without pills...minutes without pills...they say it's one day at a time...for me in the beginning it was minutes at a time....soon you will have a day...a week.....a month.....etc...if you have a medical problem and I'm sure you do from what I read...tell your doctor......hey...I believe I gotta problem....its going to be the hardest words that come out of your mouth but.....I promise it will start you on the road to recovery...there are so many medications that are not addictive to treat pain...another suggestion...get online and in the search field type help with addiction...you will be surprised at what you find...go to A&E and watch intervention...see how much of yourself you see in every person's story. I promise it will show you so many things.....most of all you are not alone.....and yes you can get better. I think the most simplest truth I have encountered in this journey is.....you can live your life without drugs...you never ever have to use again...it's a choice...and the choice is yours. I will keep you in my prayers....keep posting...keep praying...Life is good.......and God bless!!!
Denise,
I look back on every one of my 50 or so days without Vics or Benzos and thank my higher power for helping me to deal with it all. I still have rough days, but NOTHING like it was when I was putting that trash in my body. I thought the "one day at a time" thing was a joke, but it is very true; just deal with each minute, then the minutes will turn into hours, then the hours turn into days. It is a battle, but I remember the first time I got up, and got in the shower feeling normal and that felt GREAT!!!
Keep writing and getting support from these wonderful people. Bless you...
Gary
I look back on every one of my 50 or so days without Vics or Benzos and thank my higher power for helping me to deal with it all. I still have rough days, but NOTHING like it was when I was putting that trash in my body. I thought the "one day at a time" thing was a joke, but it is very true; just deal with each minute, then the minutes will turn into hours, then the hours turn into days. It is a battle, but I remember the first time I got up, and got in the shower feeling normal and that felt GREAT!!!
Keep writing and getting support from these wonderful people. Bless you...
Gary
Balling my eyes out right now cause I am overwhelmed with the support from you folks. Thank you so much for joining me and adding your voice to my prayers.
Its 10:30 and I am sick as expected. Only real challenge so far has been that I cant seem to get my dog out for a walk. I can let him out for a quick pee but hes used to 2 or 3 walks a day and he is looking at me with those big eyes! Sounds silly but this simple inability has really summed things up for me. The pills did this...and they wont win.
Thanks again and I will update and read through posts as I can.
Its 10:30 and I am sick as expected. Only real challenge so far has been that I cant seem to get my dog out for a walk. I can let him out for a quick pee but hes used to 2 or 3 walks a day and he is looking at me with those big eyes! Sounds silly but this simple inability has really summed things up for me. The pills did this...and they wont win.
Thanks again and I will update and read through posts as I can.
I just prayed for you girl! You can do this! Its gonna be hard but just think of how much better your life will be without that garbage! We all love you and will keep you in our prayers keep us posted and thank you for all the advice! REMEMBER ONE THING YOU CAN DO THIS!
I'm just so sick now, its so hard.
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