Nov 25, 2009
Today started off as a day where I was on the brink. And within a short time it reminded me of exactly why life is worth living and why I need to be around and how other people are actually kind and will help you and why you should provide that very same help in return. When I woke up I was having dysphagic choking spasms and dystonic reactions. I could hardly speak. During those times, neurologically I lose the will to live and I have a feeling of hatred towards others. I don't really "feel" this way. Its neurological and what they are defining as tardive dysphrenia. But being homebound and isolated and seeing other people enjoying life does make me feel burnt out. I did make one real world mistake. I went out to pick up some groceries. In doing so I left the keys inside the apartment mailbox. That "mistake" was from the loss of cognition from tardive dysmentia. But being mentally recovered I didn't panic. I rang all the apartment bells but no one answered. I bought the newspaper from the local store and got some quarters. I called the super on a payphone but only a fax tone went off. So I thought again. I went to the pharmacy that prescribes my medications. They asked me what medication I needed (Methocarb) and they gave it to me. They asked me for the phone numbers of my family. I could hardly speak. They said "calm down". I couldnt' physically and explained it was akathesia. Gingko is not a prescription but I am authorized to take it by my providers so I bought some and took a pill. It stopped all the aspects of tardive dyskinesia (its in clinical study). The pharmacy called my mother and she was on the way. I went back home. But having done it before I tried again to ring all the apartment bells. A person let me in. I called my mother on the TTY and let her know I was safe and sound so she could drive to my grandmother's house (who does need help on a daily basis). I went out to pick up the wash (making sure to bring the keys and any medication I needed for the day as well as the doctor's letters that explain what I have and what I take) and when two next door neighbors came in the door with heavy packages made sure to hold the door for them. Everyone had come through for me so I knew that despite any neurological feelings I could not control that any mental feelings of antagonism or self loathing must be cast aside. I reminded myself why I am thankful. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful that my providers worked with me to identify what was going on (tardive psychosis, tardive dysphrenia, tardive dysmentia) and find treatments for it (so far Vimpat is really working out) and for the oppurtunity to have it be identified so others can be helped and having other people, as I have, recover from a new generation of antipsychotics that won't cause tardive (NMDA receptor modulates). I am thankful for the neighbors who opened the door. And I am thankful for my close friend who as it turns out will be visiting for Thanksgiving. I have every reason to be alive and everytime I experience very real pain physical I should remind myself I helped identify treatments with the help of my providers. And think of the others who could be treated.
So to keep it short within a short time I recieved a very real world lesson on why the world is not an antagonistic place and there is good in people you may not know is there if you look for it. And to everyone, whatever you may be coping with, I wish you well and a very happy Thanksgiving.