Nov 30, 2009
This is an email I sent to my best friend who now lives 2 hours away from me. Our nickname for one another is 'nini' to help with the refrences. Also, TD is my boyfriend.
Bitter Slips of Conscience [a dose of sedated nitro]
Nini. I need you. I don't know what's going on with me. I can't handle things like I could. I'm freaking out and blowing up at people. My mind is running in twenty different directions and I can feel the strain like a rubberband about to snap. There are a running horde of men from the great depression rushing for a job in every corner of my mental capacity. I can hear the wheels whirring wildly and the feet stomping as a mob flees after being battered. I don't know what I am talking about anymore. Everything is in a monochromatic film with too many glitches. I don't live in today anymore. I live in my head and I can no longer tell memory from dream. I have lost the glory of color except for the vivid imagry in my mind that I'm not sure I can trust to be my own. My body feels like a lead sculpture. I feel heavy as two tons though I am lacking in the solidity of a human full of organs and blood and rushing life. Could not a soul view me and notice that I am not in a proper manner? An essay has been assigned to us about nostalgia and the feeling of a wish to return to the past with some sort of homesickness in our hearts. This is how I have come to know myself. My heart tells me that I do not belong in this life right now. I do not know what is occuring around me or to what extent these things effect us. I pay no mind to the happenings of the world and I have not a slight inkling of understanding of why people behave the way they do. My heart speaks to me in undertones of the 1920's and a feeling of the becomings of the Depression grip my soul so lividly that I fear they to take my life. This modern world escapes me in a blur of classic mind-sets and images. Where have I left myself to? What world do I live in and why do I no longer feel the pull of a connection to this one? I am lacking in the present because I live in a coctail of memory and dream of a past that I do not trust and I sleep in a whirr of love and wishes of the future to come that I so long to be a part of. What do I do to return myself to this present moment? I only wish to find myself in the present when I am with TD, other than that pull I find no tie to this time in which I take my breaths. I love you nini and I need the support of my sister. I miss having someone to confinde my mental furrows in. My brain is so abnormal that I do not know how else to treat it and I don't know who else outside the two of you that I can confide in.