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Scared beyond belief.....
Jun 22, 2008 12:53PM
- 2 comments
I have been thinking a lot lately about this pregnancy. This will be my last baby and I know that 100%. I have been enjoying everything that comes with pregnancy, even the gross parts of it. Im making sure that I don't take this pregnancy for granted. Hubby has been extremely supportive giving that he didnt even want another pregnancy due to financial issues, and my health problems, but he knows how bad I wanted this baby and has been there for me every step of the way. He even eats with me and snacks with me so that I dont feel like a pig lol. My side of the family has also been very supportive, I came from a huge family with 10 kids so the more I add to the grand child list the better lol. My FIL has also been supportive, even though he didnt think we needed anymore children lol. My MIL, well we won't even go there, she has some major mental issues.
With my life changing for the better, and looking back at all my past pregnancies, I have realized how lucky of a person I am to have such beautiful babies, and a wonderful supportive hubby and family.
My first pregnancy was rough, I was 17 when I had moved out of my house down to louisiana and texas with a man 1 years older than me, whom I met online. I thought I was making a good choice for myself, to prove to my father that I can make it on my own. That relationship was a HUGE mistake, but I dont hold any grudges. I was constantly sick with my first baby, literally lost 23 pounds by 15 weeks gestation. I had numerous u/s and followed up with my prenatal care. My baby was due on christmas day, which was a very special day for me because I had lost a sister the christmas before. I ended up going into labor 7 and a half weeks early, they admitted me to the hospital, doped me up with a mag bag, and demerol for 3 days, hoping to prolong my pregnancy as much as they could. They also had given me steroid injections every 4 hours to help mature my baby's lungs. But on the 3rd day, there was no holding her back, I had dialated to a 10 with bulging bag of water. They moved me to a L&D room where I started pushing, and withen 3 pushes my baby was out. They quickly took her away to the warming bed, and I didn't hear her crying. My daughter Bailey Rae Pearce lived for 30 minutes, and died in my arms that night. She was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Aperts Syndrome. I will leave her story at that, because it is something that still hurts to talk about.
My son Michael was concieved by rape, my ex who is my daughters father had forced himself on me several times, he turned abusive both physically and verbally. I can honestly admitt that at the time I found out I was pregnant, I didnt want it. I was trying so hard to get out of my situation, that I thought another child would hold me back. I was also scared that my son would be born with the same genetic disorder that my daughter had. I had found my answers through prayer, and decided that I would carry my baby and do my best to make sure him and I got out of our poor situation, which we did when he was 6 months old. He was born a very healthy happy and BIG boy on Feb 19th 2004.
My youngest son was a trip being pregnant with, and he is still a trip to be around. He has proved to be my hardest child in raising, and was also my hardest pregnancy. But here we are 2 years later doing what we do best, running around and causing caos lol.
So here I am now, in a new home, new marriage which is absolutly more than I could ever ask for, and now a new pregnancy. Im terrified to have this baby in all honesty. Not only because of what happened with my daughter, but because I have been more or less scaring the **** out of myself on a daily basis. I have found myself watching youtube videos on babies born with genetic disorders, looking on google images with babies born with issues. It's always scary having a baby, because you can't see inside your belly and make sure your lil angel is forming the way they should be. I know deep down inside no matter what happens I will love him and cherish him, I know that **** can happen, but it is always in reason. I think im more or less terrified because I know this will be my last child, and I prayed so hard to have him. However this pregnancy and however Conner turns out, I know he is a blessing either way.
I am trying to hold my head up high, and think positive thoughts, but it's hard to due so after going through what I went through with my daughter. I guess the only thing that I can do, is keep praying, and cross the bridges I need to cross when I get to them. I just hope and pray everything will turn out okay.
With my life changing for the better, and looking back at all my past pregnancies, I have realized how lucky of a person I am to have such beautiful babies, and a wonderful supportive hubby and family.
My first pregnancy was rough, I was 17 when I had moved out of my house down to louisiana and texas with a man 1 years older than me, whom I met online. I thought I was making a good choice for myself, to prove to my father that I can make it on my own. That relationship was a HUGE mistake, but I dont hold any grudges. I was constantly sick with my first baby, literally lost 23 pounds by 15 weeks gestation. I had numerous u/s and followed up with my prenatal care. My baby was due on christmas day, which was a very special day for me because I had lost a sister the christmas before. I ended up going into labor 7 and a half weeks early, they admitted me to the hospital, doped me up with a mag bag, and demerol for 3 days, hoping to prolong my pregnancy as much as they could. They also had given me steroid injections every 4 hours to help mature my baby's lungs. But on the 3rd day, there was no holding her back, I had dialated to a 10 with bulging bag of water. They moved me to a L&D room where I started pushing, and withen 3 pushes my baby was out. They quickly took her away to the warming bed, and I didn't hear her crying. My daughter Bailey Rae Pearce lived for 30 minutes, and died in my arms that night. She was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Aperts Syndrome. I will leave her story at that, because it is something that still hurts to talk about.
My son Michael was concieved by rape, my ex who is my daughters father had forced himself on me several times, he turned abusive both physically and verbally. I can honestly admitt that at the time I found out I was pregnant, I didnt want it. I was trying so hard to get out of my situation, that I thought another child would hold me back. I was also scared that my son would be born with the same genetic disorder that my daughter had. I had found my answers through prayer, and decided that I would carry my baby and do my best to make sure him and I got out of our poor situation, which we did when he was 6 months old. He was born a very healthy happy and BIG boy on Feb 19th 2004.
My youngest son was a trip being pregnant with, and he is still a trip to be around. He has proved to be my hardest child in raising, and was also my hardest pregnancy. But here we are 2 years later doing what we do best, running around and causing caos lol.
So here I am now, in a new home, new marriage which is absolutly more than I could ever ask for, and now a new pregnancy. Im terrified to have this baby in all honesty. Not only because of what happened with my daughter, but because I have been more or less scaring the **** out of myself on a daily basis. I have found myself watching youtube videos on babies born with genetic disorders, looking on google images with babies born with issues. It's always scary having a baby, because you can't see inside your belly and make sure your lil angel is forming the way they should be. I know deep down inside no matter what happens I will love him and cherish him, I know that **** can happen, but it is always in reason. I think im more or less terrified because I know this will be my last child, and I prayed so hard to have him. However this pregnancy and however Conner turns out, I know he is a blessing either way.
I am trying to hold my head up high, and think positive thoughts, but it's hard to due so after going through what I went through with my daughter. I guess the only thing that I can do, is keep praying, and cross the bridges I need to cross when I get to them. I just hope and pray everything will turn out okay.
I don't know how one could go through that and not be marked by it. There have to be all sorts of mental scars you are living with, and of course they surface during this pregnancy. One of those scars may be that, however much you love your boys, you have decided not to try again to have a girl--not that your baby can be replaced, but it may be that deep down, you want to be the mother of a daughter again.
We are all worried about genetic defects in our unborn babies, but not the way you are, where it is so terribly real to you. There are a couple of thoughts that might help you get through this, or might not. First, do you know that this particular defect is in your family tree? If not, there's at least a 50% chance that it came from her father, who is not the father of this pregnancy. You have had two healthy babies since that, so between those two facts, the odds are better than they might be. (Not 100%, but nobody really gets that.)
Second, I am totally amazed at what can be detected in a fetus these days, even abnormalities deep inside the developing body, and hundreds of issues that will turn up on amniocentesis--which you may want to suggest to your doctor if you haven't, so that he/she can be ready for anything. (I know insurers and providers are stingy with things like that, but you have a particularly powerful reason to want it, and will probably get it if you insist.)
I'm not sure, but it looks like Conner is your husband's first baby--or at least the first for the two of you. It will be fun to have a first-time father (who is not a jerk like the other one), and watch him grow into the role. Don't let his mother's negative attitude get in the way of making it fun for him and you; she can't ruin it if the two of you don't let her. I think what I would try if I were you is, when she starts to say anything or give you "looks" or whatever, just say, "Oh, you want to talk to [husband's name here] about that," smile and walk away. Gives him a chance to defend his family, and you a chance not to put fuel on her fire. Might not work, or might take persistence to work, but you know that arguing with her and/or letting her abuse you over it is NOT working.
Oh--here's probably the best advice of all. KILL GOOGLE! Don't go around looking at that stuff, please. Maybe, like me, you don't want to think it'll be all right because you might jinx it, but we both know that isn't really how it works. Get all the medical info you possibly can to rule out as many problems as possible, so you feel less vulnerable. And look at your boys' baby pictures, enjoy pictures of other babies, hang around friends with normal, healthy babies if they are close enough, and plan for this as if it's fun. Then maybe it will be, at least kind of.
So that's my maternal advice for today. You can ignore it if you want; I tend to get a little directive. But at least think about doing things to relieve your anxiety as much as you can, and putting bad things you can't do anything about to rest as much as possible.
Keep in touch, okay? I want to see this little guy come out, too. :-)
We are all worried about genetic defects in our unborn babies, but not the way you are, where it is so terribly real to you. There are a couple of thoughts that might help you get through this, or might not. First, do you know that this particular defect is in your family tree? If not, there's at least a 50% chance that it came from her father, who is not the father of this pregnancy. You have had two healthy babies since that, so between those two facts, the odds are better than they might be. (Not 100%, but nobody really gets that.)
Second, I am totally amazed at what can be detected in a fetus these days, even abnormalities deep inside the developing body, and hundreds of issues that will turn up on amniocentesis--which you may want to suggest to your doctor if you haven't, so that he/she can be ready for anything. (I know insurers and providers are stingy with things like that, but you have a particularly powerful reason to want it, and will probably get it if you insist.)
I'm not sure, but it looks like Conner is your husband's first baby--or at least the first for the two of you. It will be fun to have a first-time father (who is not a jerk like the other one), and watch him grow into the role. Don't let his mother's negative attitude get in the way of making it fun for him and you; she can't ruin it if the two of you don't let her. I think what I would try if I were you is, when she starts to say anything or give you "looks" or whatever, just say, "Oh, you want to talk to [husband's name here] about that," smile and walk away. Gives him a chance to defend his family, and you a chance not to put fuel on her fire. Might not work, or might take persistence to work, but you know that arguing with her and/or letting her abuse you over it is NOT working.
Oh--here's probably the best advice of all. KILL GOOGLE! Don't go around looking at that stuff, please. Maybe, like me, you don't want to think it'll be all right because you might jinx it, but we both know that isn't really how it works. Get all the medical info you possibly can to rule out as many problems as possible, so you feel less vulnerable. And look at your boys' baby pictures, enjoy pictures of other babies, hang around friends with normal, healthy babies if they are close enough, and plan for this as if it's fun. Then maybe it will be, at least kind of.
So that's my maternal advice for today. You can ignore it if you want; I tend to get a little directive. But at least think about doing things to relieve your anxiety as much as you can, and putting bad things you can't do anything about to rest as much as possible.
Keep in touch, okay? I want to see this little guy come out, too. :-)
Thank you for your encouraging words, this is Hubby and I's 2nd baby together, my youngest son who is 2 is his first born, but my 3rd born. But however you look at it, this is hubby's real first baby that he gets to be here for, as he was deployed in iraq for Aiden's arrival and couldnt be in his life until he was a year old. I have spoken words with my mother in law, and have made it 100% clear that she is not welcomed in my home anymore, I have more than just her words to abolish all contact with her, she has actually breastfed my youngest son which I found out not long ago.
As for my daughter, I would have loved to be a mommy to a baby girl again, but I will always be a mommy to her and no one can take that away from me. Im just happy that so far I am having an uncomplicated pregnancy with what I believe is my miracle baby. I got pregnant on birth control and after hubby had a vesectomy, and prayed long and hard to have this baby in my life, and I think thats what scares me the most. My husband is one hell of a man if I must say so myself, he is wonderful in every aspect there is. He is totally supportive of anything and everything I need him to be as a husband and father. He has issues from being in war, but he easily puts those behind him when it comes to our family. He knows the pain and trauma I went through when I lost my little girl, and he has even went as far as buying a headstone for her, because her *real* family refused to do it. He has listened to my cry and voice my concearns on this pregnancy, and is a constant reminder that all will turn out okay, even if our Conner is born with something. God gave me this baby for a reason, and I will treasure him more than anything.
I have learned to forgive what happened with my daughter, but the pain is always going to be there. I was very young and had never witnessed something like this in my entire life, I had never even been to a funeral until her passing. The trauma I went through with her biological father or in other words sperm donor is always a constant nag in the back of my head, as he blamed me every way possible for the death of my baby girl. I know it wasn't my fault, and I know there was nothing I could have done to fix it and im okay with that. She is in a better place in my opinion, the world holds very cruel trials and bullys and its not something I can bare having my child go through, especially a special needs child.
As for the disorder, it did run in her fathers family, we had genetic testing done after we lost her, and it proved to be on his side of the family. So I know in turn that the chances are slimmer of having a baby with Aperts again now that I am with another man.
But after all is said and done, I do believe in my heart my baby will be safe and healthy. I have refused all genetic testing results because Conner is already here, and I wouldnt do anything in the world to jeapordize his arrival, wether healthy or not. I have just decided to let this be in the lords hands, and I will strongly walk over whatever bridge I have to to overcome any trials.
As for my daughter, I would have loved to be a mommy to a baby girl again, but I will always be a mommy to her and no one can take that away from me. Im just happy that so far I am having an uncomplicated pregnancy with what I believe is my miracle baby. I got pregnant on birth control and after hubby had a vesectomy, and prayed long and hard to have this baby in my life, and I think thats what scares me the most. My husband is one hell of a man if I must say so myself, he is wonderful in every aspect there is. He is totally supportive of anything and everything I need him to be as a husband and father. He has issues from being in war, but he easily puts those behind him when it comes to our family. He knows the pain and trauma I went through when I lost my little girl, and he has even went as far as buying a headstone for her, because her *real* family refused to do it. He has listened to my cry and voice my concearns on this pregnancy, and is a constant reminder that all will turn out okay, even if our Conner is born with something. God gave me this baby for a reason, and I will treasure him more than anything.
I have learned to forgive what happened with my daughter, but the pain is always going to be there. I was very young and had never witnessed something like this in my entire life, I had never even been to a funeral until her passing. The trauma I went through with her biological father or in other words sperm donor is always a constant nag in the back of my head, as he blamed me every way possible for the death of my baby girl. I know it wasn't my fault, and I know there was nothing I could have done to fix it and im okay with that. She is in a better place in my opinion, the world holds very cruel trials and bullys and its not something I can bare having my child go through, especially a special needs child.
As for the disorder, it did run in her fathers family, we had genetic testing done after we lost her, and it proved to be on his side of the family. So I know in turn that the chances are slimmer of having a baby with Aperts again now that I am with another man.
But after all is said and done, I do believe in my heart my baby will be safe and healthy. I have refused all genetic testing results because Conner is already here, and I wouldnt do anything in the world to jeapordize his arrival, wether healthy or not. I have just decided to let this be in the lords hands, and I will strongly walk over whatever bridge I have to to overcome any trials.
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