I watched Pineapple Express, Shrek 2, I Am Legend, and Across The Universe in classes today. I also failed a test I didn't think the teacher would have the heart to give. My mistake, I guess. Merry Christmas, right?
I left early, drove home, and my mum drove me to YAP. I brought Fran and Kyle fudge- and had some myself. Maple candy and a cooking book from Alex! I miss her. It was kindof a quiet day at YAP, but then again, it never is, so there is no comparison. Ross brought ganache! It was delicious. I'm upset he's leaving. Not because of the ganache, of course. I just like cake. That's really unrelated. There's something I don't like about emily. It's not that she isn't nice or whatever, I just don't like a lot of the things she says. Maybe I'm alone in thinking that, I don't know. I don't care. I just don't like it. I don't mind though, I guess. She adds something to group. I just really can't talk to her. I mean general conversation, not deep, interesting conversation. I can't do it.
We went shopping- groceries and art supplies. Haha. shh. I'm sticking close to Shei.
I went to her house afterwards. I didn't want her to open her present, I never want to be there. I love getting presents, wrapping, carrying. I love it all. I hate seeing the looks on people's faces. I get too carried away when opening gifts and it doesn't matter how much I love my present, I twitch and I get sad eyes and I always look dissapointed. It's just a nervous thing, I know. I hate being looked at when I know what people are thinking. I'm thinking they're thinking things I think. And I don't want to know but when they look at me my mind takes off and it just inflates. And it doesn't matter who, not at all. Anyone, anytime. There is no discrimination, because I know how goddamn annoying I am. I know. I know so much. I always feel like I lived under a rock though. There's so much I still DON'T know. I could ask anything, and I don't hesitate to. I try not to hesitate to. I want to know, right? I do. We hung out and I held the baby. Logically. Not ridiculously. She's a pretty little kid. I want to watch her grow up. I want to know if she'll have big feet, if she'll keep her blue eyes, what her voice will sound like. I don't know any babies. I like to keep it that way. I'm making an exception, though. And I don't mind.
I'm very tired, I think I'm skipping around and not making sense like I should.
It's worth mentioning that I've had overwhelming and unreasonable suicidal thoughts recently. I don't know why. I don't know. But I'm certain. I was, I mean. I know I'll change my mind, as the day goes on. But every little blow is a smack to the brain. Every little comment is a tear at my heart. Every little compliment is a rope around my waist, hoisting me back up again. Only to take that plummet from the beginning.
I don't want to trivialize things. Honestly that's the farthest I want from anything. But I want to remember. I need to remember. I need to know this is real. I need to remember how every drop of blood feels running through my veins and that sinking feeling I get when I have a good smoke. And everything else in between. I need to hear it all, and I need to memorize it. Actually that's a lie, I don't need to, but I know I will. I want to. Want is a strange thing. I miss having passion in my life. I miss it more than anything. I miss being human. Having human reactions. Being able to CONTROL my reactions, and understand.
I got a piggy and I'm not sure what I'm going to name him yet! I'm thinking Jacob. I like Jacob. I love that name. Not because of Twilight. That doesn't matter either way. It really doesn't matter to me. He looks like a Jacob. Maybe it's his eyes. I have a cousin named Jacob. My old guinea pig's name was Jakob. He was a sweetheart. I miss him too.
No, no. I'm going to bed. I am. I think I'm going to start crying and I can't decide, am I hysterically happy or sad? I can't even tell. What the hell is wrong with me. I don't even know.
Devra sees me 45 minutes and knows immediately I need my antidepressants upped. But I feel like I am manic. I feel like I am losing my grip. It's not good manic. It's a wierd manic. A bad manic. I have a crazy laugh going on, but I'm losing my grip. I can't even keep up feeding myself. I'm trying. But time is either so slow or so fast all the time. Did I just eat, or was that yesterday? Didn't I have cookies? What happened to my candy?