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A journey comes to an end.

Dec 26, 2009 - 18 comments
Tags:

loss

,

Miscarriage

,

D&C

,

TTC

,

journey



I guess it is time to release a little. I stopped BC on October 20. I started ttc on October 22. I charted every little change in my body and counted down the days. The Monday before Thanksgiving, I did a HPT only got get a BFN. I knew it was wrong so I waited. After a negative test at my doctors office a few days later, I waited and had a blood test the following Monday. December 1st I got my BFP. Thrilled and not worried because it was my second child, I told the world. On the 21st I think it was, I saw a small bright red streak of blood in my CM when I wiped and immediately called the DR. The next morning the CM was light pink. The 23rd there was no more blood, but they did a sonogram just to see what the baby looked like. Eager and nervous I laid in the chair. When the sac showed nothing, I convinced myself to just keep watching. Still nothing. My heart dropped. When the doctor explained there was no baby and that it was called a blighted ovum, I cried and cried. Later that night they did a D&C at 7:30.

Since the D&C I have done nothing, but mope around. Christmas has been awful. The only thing I wanted got taken from me. I can't stand pregnant women and get mad when I see little 15 and 16 year olds who are pregnant, especially when they are pregnant with multiples. I can't stand the word baby, it makes me cry. I want to ttc again and started doing the baby dance yesterday. I try to keep a strong face for everyone, but inside I am dying. I shouldn't be trying again, I should be a few days past 9 weeks right now. I should be weeks away from feeling my baby squirm and kick as he learns to use his limbs, but I'm not.

I keep praying that there won't even be an AF before I conceive again. More blood might send me to a psychiatrist.

It's hard and devastating, but I know that I am not the only one who struggles and feels this way. Unfortunately this happens a lot more than the statistics say I think. I am glad to have found such a helpful site where I can share and find comfort in other women's stories. I look forward to getting to know everyone and making friends all over.

Thanks for allowing me to grieve with everyone. Husbands are great, but mine's not the best at understanding. He thinks it's not a huge deal and we can just keep trying (which doesn't bother him a bit).

Comments
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by DMarie919, Dec 26, 2009
Oh honey.  I know exactly how you are feeling.  I had a pretty similar experience.  I had just got through telling many people about the pregnancy and then we went in for a routine ultrasound and the didn't see a heart beat.  I had no bleeding and no other symptoms of m/c so I was in shock.  I am sorry that you are going through this and yes, you are not alone.  We all completely understand.  And the husband thing....ditto.  Mine was sad but thinks that it's no big deal to keep trying again.  Now, after 8 months he is starting to realize maybe we've waited long enough and that we should see if we can get some help, but, to tell you the truth, I am too exaughsted to even think about that.  And i Know what you mean about feeling like you shouldn't be "trying" again.  It's not fair.  My baby would be 3 1/2 months old right now and instead I'm stuck in a holding pattern.  Feeling more and more empty every day.  I wish you the best of luck.  Just know you have found a good place here.  Hugs to you!

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
I think you are amazing for not ending up in a psych ward after 8 months! I think if I don't conceive before my first AF post D&C I'll cry myself to death. It's strange how a woman can get so dang obsessed with having another baby after she loses ones. It's like I'm trying to fill a hole sort of. I can't wait till Feb 1st which is when I will test if I don't get AF between here and there! The time in between is going to be worse than a kid waiting for Christmas. I want to be pregnant SO bad. I'm miserable inside!

*UGH*

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by DMarie919, Dec 26, 2009
I know how you feel.  I, too, kept thinking that if I got pregnant right away it would take away some of the hurt.  And, I'm sure it would have, except..it's just not happening.  But, the truth is also that it will never replace the one you lost. I sure hope you get that BFP but please don't wrap yourself up in that.  I know that it is such a strong desire that it can really take over your life!  My best advice is to not lose sight of the things that you have...(sometimes i need to listen to my own advice)  Good luck...and I'm not far away from ending up in that ward...believe me....LOL....  and many tears I have shed...and still do...and that's okay...:)

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
I originally wanted to have another baby so that my son has a sibling and now it's so much more to that. I've always wanted a huge family with 5 or 6 kids and I'm so scared Ill only end up with the one... but don't get me wrong he's a perfect child. Growing up you never think it can be hard to have babies. Moms don't tell you about the struggles when they tell you about the "birds and the bees". I blame BC personally. When I had my first son I had JUST gotten on BC and never been on it before, now two years of BC and I can't seem to get it right. Are there any vitamins or tricks to getting pregnant. We're trying the whole laying down afterwards and basically as tiring as it is doing the BD every night and at minimum every other. Talk about tiring. haha

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by smr08, Dec 26, 2009
Your story is so much like all of ours. We all put dates on a time we "should" be pregnant by and when that time comes and goes we just get more discouraged. I was trying for a year before I got my BFP only to have it end in a loss. I had early losses and an ectopic and my DH wasn't to bothered, he was upset but moved forward faster then I did. It wasn't until Oct. 08 when at 5 months we found out that our babies heart stopped beating and I had to be induced and deliver him, it was then when my DH looked at his son and realized how precious life was at any stage. Try not to beat yourself up to much, it really doesn't help in the TTC process. Our time will come and we will all have the babies that we so want and deserve. Sending you tons of SSBD.                                                  Lori

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by DMarie919, Dec 26, 2009
Tricks to getting pregnant.  HA!  Don't you think if I knew them I would be in this perdicament?? :)  LOL.  Just kidding.  There are many strategies, etc, but my husband once compared them to perfecting a golf swing.  They have videos, gloves, etc. different tools that "swear" will improve your game, but when it all comes down to it, it's purely chance!  There is only like a 20% chance that conception will be possible each month and it's really a miracle when it happens at all.  I've tried the whole laying with my legs up, etc, pretty much everything except standing on my head....i've drank grapefruit juice because it's supposed to help with fertile CM, and i HATED it, and it didn't work....let's see...some of the girls swear by evening primrose oil to help with CM and a supplement called Vitex that is supposed to help with hormones but I hesitate trying any herbal supplements because of the possible side effects.  WE have BDed anwhere from every day to every other day. I used the ovulation predictor kits and i've done temping.  In my case, I dont know HOW we can be missing it every month.  The best thing i think to do is watch for the eggwhite cm and then bd a lot around that time....I wish I had better advice! LOL!  

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
oh man smr08, that would be so awful. I can't imagine actually giving birth then seeing your baby. You are truly a phenomenal woman. No doubt. and DMarie919 I'm so in sick that it's taking that long for you. I really feel so much better already just talking to people. I have been on other forums and can't seem to get responses from ANYONE and then when I do they are so negative and unsupportive. One woman actually told me that getting pregnant is dangerous and irresponsible and told me I was lucky to have lost a child before it had to be born. It was awful. I can't even express in words how happy I am to have met you women who are there to lift and support anyone and everyone who's ttc after a loss.  My name is Sam btw and I'm from Kansas.

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by bam1014, Dec 26, 2009
Wow Sam, I'm glad you didn't give up and found this site!  What a nasty, nasty thing for some woman to say to you!

I think Dana said it best, when she said not to lose sight of other things in your life.  I, too, am well aware of that all encomposing need to get pg after a loss, but as Dana also pointed out, a woman only has a 20% chance of success at each cycle.  If it doesn't happen the first go round for you, I would hate to see you set yourself up for a huge disappointment.  It is very important to realize that it can take several cycles for your body to get back to normal after a loss.  Some dr's say you are more fertile, while other dr's disagree completely and say you won't even start O'ing right way.  I'm not trying to be harsh, I just don't want you to get more hurt then you already are.

There are all sorts of "tips and tricks", but I think as long as one has never exhibited fertility problems, then they just cause more stress then they help.  Just go with the flow and love your DH and you'll have a sticky BFP before you know it!

bam1014 aka bridgette

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
Nice to meet you Bridgette. I know it can take awhile, but I can't help but hope. I will be busy with school in a few weeks so hopefully that will help me keep my mind busy! I see the struggle a lot of women are going through and I hate reading all that. It's just not fair to anyone to want it so bad and not be able to have it.

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by ilovemyson23, Dec 26, 2009
Oh I am sooo sorry you feel that way but totally understand i also had a M/C back in nov 09 and the doc said it was normal and just bad luck well so the very next cycle got pregnant again and another M/C so i took a few month off. I went through a long period as well crying and crying and not understanding why because i carried my son with no problem at all. Hated everyone and didnt want to see or hear anything about babies. How you feel is normal but i recently started ttc again after 9 months and still nothing. I wish the best of luck to you and dont give up its possible to recover and to be scared is normal im scared and havent even gotten my BFP yet and Im already worried about it but im trying to positive its the only thing i can do with out driving myself crazy its all i think about 247 and my husband also blows it off. They dont get it I would have my little baby twice now and I dont hang in there Michelle Thats my long story but you are not alone

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by k10road, Dec 26, 2009
I feel your pain.  Just about a week and a half ago, I went through my second miscarriage THIS YEAR after having 2 healthy pregnancies.  Why in the world???  I wish I had an answer.  And I was talking to my midwife about the same exact thing about the 15 and 16 year olds that are pregnant.  I was PISSED off sitting in church the other day because this little 16 year old girl sits in there with her cute little belly - except it wasn't cute!!!!  I was PISSED OFF!  Midwife said, "I'm glad you're telling me this because this tells me that you are grieving normally and I don't have to worry that you're not.  She said it's totally normal.  Phew.  I thought I was going to be in that same ward!  And today, I go to the grocery store, and I swear to you that for every non pregnant woman there, there was a pregnant one.  I mean, I am in Utah, freakin baby capital USA, but really?!?!?!  REALLY?!?!  WTF?!  So, yea, you're normal.  LOL.  My midwife told me to wait a cycle before TTC again, but mainly so that we can date it properly.  I told DH, and do you think that he is obeying?  Um, no.  So, if it happens, it happens.  But if not, I figure that it's my body's way of telling me that it isn't ready yet to carry a baby in a healthy manner, so I'll try to be patient.  M/C started 11 days ago today, and I swear I think I'm O'ing???  Which would be perfectly normal for me.  I have 25 day cycles and normally O on CD 11.  I just can't believe that it would work like that so perfectly...that 11 days after the beginning of my m/c I would O?  I guess it's possible??  

Good luck to you.  I feel for you.  SSBD.

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
Ha, I'm so glad to know someone else is questioning their mental state like I am! We are ttc at the same time. Maybe we can race and see who gets a BFP first. Ha. sick in the head aren't I?

I'm so glad to hear that someone else gets mad over little girls and their baby bumps. I seriously blame BC. GR. It's the only thing I can blame. I'd rather be Michelle Duggar than have an only child. I am not telling any of my family until I am 20 weeks along. It's going to be hard, but I'll share my excitement with all my new MH friends! You guys are amazing!

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by Tiffiepooh, Dec 26, 2009
I'm sorry that you had that happen to you and I know exactly how you feel about the 15 and 16 year olds having babies. It makes me so mad and they don't understand the amazing things going on inside their bodies and that they have a miracle from God. It was just a mistake that came from having "fun". I also thought I was pregnant this cycle had a gut feeling and AF was 6 days late and on Christmas day I began spotting then it turned into a light flow. I hoped and prayed that it would stop but it didn't. I am almost 100 % sure that Monday when I went in for my blood test I was going to get a BFP and now I know i'm not. I had a large (for lack of better words) glob of tissue come out today and I think it was the beginnning of my first baby. I think I had a very early miscarriage. My husband and I are very disapointed to say the least. I hope that you can get your miracle this cycle. I know I am hoping too. Good lcuk, God bless, and tons of baby dust.

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
At least we are still young and have a long time to go before we aren't supposed to ttc. Cheers for next month! I feel so much more positive after all the support your ladies have shown me!

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by bevfly, Dec 26, 2009
I really want to say to all you truly wonderful ladies that you should never give up hope.If we did where would it get us.We are all here to help each other and to hear other womens stories of tradgedys and upsets that sometimes end in miracles well it gives each one of us inspiration to carry on.I have had days when i thought about just giving up and resigned myself to the fact i will never become a mother,but something inside me makes me carry on because i have hope,and if we all help each other we can build strength and pass it around us all.Please dont give up we need each others support ladies.love and best wishes to you all bev xxx

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by k10road, Dec 26, 2009
I said the same thing about not telling my family until I'm way far along.  I said that I would use MH to be my release...since you have that urge to tell everyone and their mother..lol.  I blame the Mirena in my case as that was what I used.  But truly, I never had any problems at all, and then after my mirena, look at this sh*t.  I had a blighted ovum in April and d&c may 1.  Then had a spontaneous abortion on the 16th of december (this month).  Grrrr is right.  

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by szw2008, Dec 26, 2009
I actually had a mirena placed early september then removed it october 20th after reading all the fertility problems people had after removing it. GR BC is only supposed to work while you are taking it, not after you stop!

I can't wait to get through this month and I pray for a BFP again really soon with a healthy baby!

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by k10road, Dec 26, 2009
good for you for having it removed!!!  I wish I had done the research that I did BEFORE having it put in.  Instead, I did it after I had it removed??  Duh.  SSBD to you....hope you get your BFP.  

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