Dec 26, 2009
I guess it is time to release a little. I stopped BC on October 20. I started ttc on October 22. I charted every little change in my body and counted down the days. The Monday before Thanksgiving, I did a HPT only got get a BFN. I knew it was wrong so I waited. After a negative test at my doctors office a few days later, I waited and had a blood test the following Monday. December 1st I got my BFP. Thrilled and not worried because it was my second child, I told the world. On the 21st I think it was, I saw a small bright red streak of blood in my CM when I wiped and immediately called the DR. The next morning the CM was light pink. The 23rd there was no more blood, but they did a sonogram just to see what the baby looked like. Eager and nervous I laid in the chair. When the sac showed nothing, I convinced myself to just keep watching. Still nothing. My heart dropped. When the doctor explained there was no baby and that it was called a blighted ovum, I cried and cried. Later that night they did a D&C at 7:30.
Since the D&C I have done nothing, but mope around. Christmas has been awful. The only thing I wanted got taken from me. I can't stand pregnant women and get mad when I see little 15 and 16 year olds who are pregnant, especially when they are pregnant with multiples. I can't stand the word baby, it makes me cry. I want to ttc again and started doing the baby dance yesterday. I try to keep a strong face for everyone, but inside I am dying. I shouldn't be trying again, I should be a few days past 9 weeks right now. I should be weeks away from feeling my baby squirm and kick as he learns to use his limbs, but I'm not.
I keep praying that there won't even be an AF before I conceive again. More blood might send me to a psychiatrist.
It's hard and devastating, but I know that I am not the only one who struggles and feels this way. Unfortunately this happens a lot more than the statistics say I think. I am glad to have found such a helpful site where I can share and find comfort in other women's stories. I look forward to getting to know everyone and making friends all over.
Thanks for allowing me to grieve with everyone. Husbands are great, but mine's not the best at understanding. He thinks it's not a huge deal and we can just keep trying (which doesn't bother him a bit).