Being a single mom: what it means to me
Jun 26, 2008 04:45PM
- 8 comments
I just wanted to share what it means to me to be a single mom.
It means waking up each morning with the first thought being, "Another day. What am I going to do to make the best of it for my child?"
It means having a routine plan made for the day, although most of the time, routine goes out the window and improvising becomes an art form. Along with juggling...everything from making phone calls, paying bills, feeding the pets, starting a load of laundry, and getting my son's hair combed and breakfast made. It IS possible to do all these things at the same time, although most people don't believe til they actually see it in action!
It means that my memory becomes absent when it comes to finding or doing things for myself, but I know exactly where my son can find his favorite toy, blanky, or shoes if he asks at any given time.
It means going to a job each day that isn't very exciting, but hey, it pays the bills. And the cost of daycare.
It means my job description expands to include my career profession PLUS cheauffer, teacher, nanny, petsitter, maid, chef, personal accountant, secratary, personal body guard/chapparone, advocate, counselor, and nurse.
It means that my life very seldomly belongs to just me anymore--everywhere I go, my son goes with me. Everywhere. I've learned to never take for granted the few savoring moments of getting to do something just for me, because "me time" is mainly a fantasy. Yet somehow, it's worth every minute of my own sacrificed time when I know that my son is with me, even in the most trying and unpleasant times.
It means I've realized that I'm my son's sole source of dependance. He will always depend on me before anyone else. It means that I don't have anyone to turn to on a dime to ask for help. I am extra thankful for those in my life that I can depend on as much as my son depends on me, and that's mainly my mom and sister. Except I don't have the convenience of living with them anymore.
It means I have to be Mommy and Daddy in most cases. Which means I've had to learn how the opposite sex thinks and responds in most situations, and then try to combine the two together the best I can and use that knowledge when necessary. Not easy, but definitely necessary, because my son's father (or rather, sperm donor), or the wonderful men I know that are just good role models to him, aren't going to be around when me or my son need them sometimes. Usually I'm on my own with my son.
It means that my whole world revolves around my son. Everything I do, every breath I breathe is to make the best life possible for him. Each decision I make will affect him. Every minute I spend, with or without him, will affect him somehow. Every word I say, every tone I take, every place I go, every action I do or don't follow through with will, on some level, affect my son.
And mostly, it means that I've come to a whole new level of understanding self reliance and sacrifices. I believe that being a single parent has the potential to turn anyone into the best person they can be, if they have the selflessness, maturity, and strength to handle the job. Although at the same time, I'd never wish single parenthood on any parent or child.
It means waking up each morning with the first thought being, "Another day. What am I going to do to make the best of it for my child?"
It means having a routine plan made for the day, although most of the time, routine goes out the window and improvising becomes an art form. Along with juggling...everything from making phone calls, paying bills, feeding the pets, starting a load of laundry, and getting my son's hair combed and breakfast made. It IS possible to do all these things at the same time, although most people don't believe til they actually see it in action!
It means that my memory becomes absent when it comes to finding or doing things for myself, but I know exactly where my son can find his favorite toy, blanky, or shoes if he asks at any given time.
It means going to a job each day that isn't very exciting, but hey, it pays the bills. And the cost of daycare.
It means my job description expands to include my career profession PLUS cheauffer, teacher, nanny, petsitter, maid, chef, personal accountant, secratary, personal body guard/chapparone, advocate, counselor, and nurse.
It means that my life very seldomly belongs to just me anymore--everywhere I go, my son goes with me. Everywhere. I've learned to never take for granted the few savoring moments of getting to do something just for me, because "me time" is mainly a fantasy. Yet somehow, it's worth every minute of my own sacrificed time when I know that my son is with me, even in the most trying and unpleasant times.
It means I've realized that I'm my son's sole source of dependance. He will always depend on me before anyone else. It means that I don't have anyone to turn to on a dime to ask for help. I am extra thankful for those in my life that I can depend on as much as my son depends on me, and that's mainly my mom and sister. Except I don't have the convenience of living with them anymore.
It means I have to be Mommy and Daddy in most cases. Which means I've had to learn how the opposite sex thinks and responds in most situations, and then try to combine the two together the best I can and use that knowledge when necessary. Not easy, but definitely necessary, because my son's father (or rather, sperm donor), or the wonderful men I know that are just good role models to him, aren't going to be around when me or my son need them sometimes. Usually I'm on my own with my son.
It means that my whole world revolves around my son. Everything I do, every breath I breathe is to make the best life possible for him. Each decision I make will affect him. Every minute I spend, with or without him, will affect him somehow. Every word I say, every tone I take, every place I go, every action I do or don't follow through with will, on some level, affect my son.
And mostly, it means that I've come to a whole new level of understanding self reliance and sacrifices. I believe that being a single parent has the potential to turn anyone into the best person they can be, if they have the selflessness, maturity, and strength to handle the job. Although at the same time, I'd never wish single parenthood on any parent or child.
I can relate. I had four children in five years and was a single parent. And people wonder why I'm crazy lol
At least I learned a lot about Ninja turtles and SpongeBob. I don't regret it. They are all adults now and are doing well. All of them are working, some are university grads, they don't do drugs, drink or smoke. That's an accomplishment since they grew up in the ghetto.
It's difficult but it sounds like you're doing a good job or you wouldn't be posting here and the rewards are wonderful.
Hugs to you and your son ....
At least I learned a lot about Ninja turtles and SpongeBob. I don't regret it. They are all adults now and are doing well. All of them are working, some are university grads, they don't do drugs, drink or smoke. That's an accomplishment since they grew up in the ghetto.
It's difficult but it sounds like you're doing a good job or you wouldn't be posting here and the rewards are wonderful.
Hugs to you and your son ....
Wow, I can't imagine raising more than one kid on my own! You handled four of them, all within a year apart of each other?! Okay, I have a whole new level of admiration for you!!! Lol! Sounds like you certainly did a great job raising them into adults. :-)
But one thing is for sure--the rewards ARE wonderful! I've been through so much, and I'm still going through a great deal, mainly with his father (grrrrr), to raise him into a healthy, happy, respectable young child and, from there, into a good adult man.
So far, so good. And I'll take on any struggle or hardship to make sure his life continues moving in a decent direction.
Thanks for your comment!
But one thing is for sure--the rewards ARE wonderful! I've been through so much, and I'm still going through a great deal, mainly with his father (grrrrr), to raise him into a healthy, happy, respectable young child and, from there, into a good adult man.
So far, so good. And I'll take on any struggle or hardship to make sure his life continues moving in a decent direction.
Thanks for your comment!
AJH84 you know I got a preteen who is out of control and my one year old. One doesn't need me or so she thinks and the other needs me all the time. I get up do the bottles, get myself ready, get ryan ready and off I go. I don't sit down when I come home - if only my 12 year old helped me better.
Kris123
Ah, the lovely ages of preteens and teens. My sister is going to be 13 years old next week, and I'm basically her "other parent." Always have been. She usually stays at my house 2-4 times a week when she's in school because I live so close to her school and I take her to her taekwondo lessons. Anyway, she has been a headstrong, near-impossible kid for years, but when she hit the age of 10, omg...it was like suddenly she was convinced that she knew everything and her poop doesn't stink!
Just think of it this way though--your daughter may act like she thinks she doesn't need you for much (because after all, she's SO wise and grown-up now), but I can guarantee you, she loves you and appreciates she has you each day and knows you'll be there for her if she decides sometime that she DOES need you. Especially knowing what you've told me about her dad, and what she thinks about him from the way he's treated her in the past.
The best you can do for her, as I've figured out with my sister, is not put up with her cr*p and snotty attitude, but at the same time, let her know that no matter what, you're always going to be there for her.
My sister and I are like cats and dogs together, we drive each other nuts...she doesn't think I should treat her like I'm her other mom, blah blah blah...but we have a really close relationship because she knows that she can talk to me about anything and that I'll treat her with respect and help her with anything. She knows I'll be there for her, stick up for her, and protect her just as much as our mom would.
But--she still thinks she knows everything and her poop doesn't stink!
Ah, the lovely ages of preteens and teens. My sister is going to be 13 years old next week, and I'm basically her "other parent." Always have been. She usually stays at my house 2-4 times a week when she's in school because I live so close to her school and I take her to her taekwondo lessons. Anyway, she has been a headstrong, near-impossible kid for years, but when she hit the age of 10, omg...it was like suddenly she was convinced that she knew everything and her poop doesn't stink!
Just think of it this way though--your daughter may act like she thinks she doesn't need you for much (because after all, she's SO wise and grown-up now), but I can guarantee you, she loves you and appreciates she has you each day and knows you'll be there for her if she decides sometime that she DOES need you. Especially knowing what you've told me about her dad, and what she thinks about him from the way he's treated her in the past.
The best you can do for her, as I've figured out with my sister, is not put up with her cr*p and snotty attitude, but at the same time, let her know that no matter what, you're always going to be there for her.
My sister and I are like cats and dogs together, we drive each other nuts...she doesn't think I should treat her like I'm her other mom, blah blah blah...but we have a really close relationship because she knows that she can talk to me about anything and that I'll treat her with respect and help her with anything. She knows I'll be there for her, stick up for her, and protect her just as much as our mom would.
But--she still thinks she knows everything and her poop doesn't stink!
Kris, I can relate. I have a teenage daughter who is very headstrong and stubborn. She always has had to learn things the hard way. I don't know why. I know that can get exhausting dealing with a child like this. I try to talk to her, warn her, teach her, etc. but she tends to jump in the fire and get burned before she learns that "Gee, maybe Mom knew what she was talking about!" She's getting better as she's getting older but she still can be soooo stubborn and strong-willed! So, if you ever need to talk to someone who understands, I'm here!
One thing I've heard that I hold onto is hearing that strong-willed children grow up to be great leaders. I try to look at the postive in everything! God bless you. :)
AJH, your job is not easy. I already think parenting is the hardest job on earth but I think single parents deserve the most applause. My sister was a single parent from the time her two boys were small. For awhile there I lived near her and it was so nice. I was able to see her more. She used to come to my house every weekend and spend the weekend with her two kids and she would be so tired she'd fall asleep on my sofa! I just can't imagine how hard it must be to have to work full time and take care of a house, laundry, etc. and two kids and never get a break! I think that was her break, getting to come to my house for the weekend. We got so close then. I miss that.
I know it's hard to be a single parent but your son will appreciate all you do someday and probably be closer to you than a child from a two parent family. That's one thing I noticed with my sister. Her two boys are grown up now but I noticed since they were teens that they were always close to their mom and protective. It's as if they kind of took over the man of the household thing or something. She didn't expect them to but that's how they've always felt about her. They're very close to her. And they're good kids (well, I don't know if I can call them kids anymore! They're 21 and 23! :) So, kudos to you for being a great mom! You will reap the rewards of all the sacrifices you've made someday. It will be so worth it when you see him walk across that stage to get his diploma, and when you see him get married and have his first child. Your ex doesn't realize all the blessings he's given up by not being there now. God bless you for being a great mom! :)
One thing I've heard that I hold onto is hearing that strong-willed children grow up to be great leaders. I try to look at the postive in everything! God bless you. :)
AJH, your job is not easy. I already think parenting is the hardest job on earth but I think single parents deserve the most applause. My sister was a single parent from the time her two boys were small. For awhile there I lived near her and it was so nice. I was able to see her more. She used to come to my house every weekend and spend the weekend with her two kids and she would be so tired she'd fall asleep on my sofa! I just can't imagine how hard it must be to have to work full time and take care of a house, laundry, etc. and two kids and never get a break! I think that was her break, getting to come to my house for the weekend. We got so close then. I miss that.
I know it's hard to be a single parent but your son will appreciate all you do someday and probably be closer to you than a child from a two parent family. That's one thing I noticed with my sister. Her two boys are grown up now but I noticed since they were teens that they were always close to their mom and protective. It's as if they kind of took over the man of the household thing or something. She didn't expect them to but that's how they've always felt about her. They're very close to her. And they're good kids (well, I don't know if I can call them kids anymore! They're 21 and 23! :) So, kudos to you for being a great mom! You will reap the rewards of all the sacrifices you've made someday. It will be so worth it when you see him walk across that stage to get his diploma, and when you see him get married and have his first child. Your ex doesn't realize all the blessings he's given up by not being there now. God bless you for being a great mom! :)
All I can say is that your journal was so beautifully written.
I was a single parent with my son until he was 7, so I know how you feel. Everything I did and every decision that I made was based on what was best for him and not myself. Infact, I almost got married to someone that I was not inlove with just because I so desperately wanted my son to have a father. He was 5 and was starting to ask about his and where his was. His sperm donor has never been around. So, there was someone interested in me that I thought would be good for my son and I almost married him. Invitations were out and everything. All we had to do was show up at the church. In the end, we called it off and that didn't happen. But I am so glad that we didn't end up doing that. I am now married to someone that I love deeply and we have gone on to have 4 daughters together ranging from ages 7-1. We do have our problems though. But the difference is that I am inlove with him, problems and all.
I do feel like a single parent of 5 often times though. My husband works A LOT, so I do most of the taking care of the kids. Not that he doesn't want to help. He's just not around much to help. Sundays are our family days and he is normally pretty tired on those days. And let's face it......Even though I work full time 30 miles from home and take care of 5 kids constantly, and am tired myself come Sunday, as women we keep truckin along......Women are def the stronger sex!!! LOL!!!
I was a single parent with my son until he was 7, so I know how you feel. Everything I did and every decision that I made was based on what was best for him and not myself. Infact, I almost got married to someone that I was not inlove with just because I so desperately wanted my son to have a father. He was 5 and was starting to ask about his and where his was. His sperm donor has never been around. So, there was someone interested in me that I thought would be good for my son and I almost married him. Invitations were out and everything. All we had to do was show up at the church. In the end, we called it off and that didn't happen. But I am so glad that we didn't end up doing that. I am now married to someone that I love deeply and we have gone on to have 4 daughters together ranging from ages 7-1. We do have our problems though. But the difference is that I am inlove with him, problems and all.
I do feel like a single parent of 5 often times though. My husband works A LOT, so I do most of the taking care of the kids. Not that he doesn't want to help. He's just not around much to help. Sundays are our family days and he is normally pretty tired on those days. And let's face it......Even though I work full time 30 miles from home and take care of 5 kids constantly, and am tired myself come Sunday, as women we keep truckin along......Women are def the stronger sex!!! LOL!!!
While I stand up and applaud you for everything you've done and everything you are. and I truly do! Don't doubt that.
I could have wrote the same exact words (except paragraphs 8 and 9) in my own journal entry as a married mommy. And that isn't saying that my DH is a wonderful father...it's just well, Mommy is the 'all' the time parent....
The most self sacrificing parent....I think single or married, the strength and resolve Mommies have....well, it's indescribable.
I could have wrote the same exact words (except paragraphs 8 and 9) in my own journal entry as a married mommy. And that isn't saying that my DH is a wonderful father...it's just well, Mommy is the 'all' the time parent....
The most self sacrificing parent....I think single or married, the strength and resolve Mommies have....well, it's indescribable.
I was a single mom as well. Raised my daughter all alone until she was 12 so I can really identify with what you say. It was in the early days when women were just beginning to feel strong and independent enough to have a baby without benefit of a spouse, usually over 35 but I was 32. I joined a support group in NYC and I believe we were the pioneers back then in 1982. I'd like to chat about our common experience more now but gotta run, but I'll be back soon. Your son is a cutie! And so is your dog! They look like they're a happy pair! tjoyce
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