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Seperation Anxiety

Jan 08, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

seperation anxiety

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family

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Pets

,

ferrets

,

Fish

,

guinea pig

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steve

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pedestal

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Perfection

,

shei

,

sleep over

,

icy roads

,

snow

,

car

,

driving

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spoiled emotionally

,

the favorite

,

self censoring

,

familiar thigns

,

detailed accounts

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memory jogs

,

disliking a person

,

Love

,

catching details

,

billy

,

rotten

,

school bus



I've got it. My family couldn't have been looking at me stranger while I hugged all my pets a third time and told everyone I loved them one last time. I could have cried. I didn't want to leave Steve here at home- I didn't want to take a chance. I still don't. Kinda wish I hadn't. I wait for everyone to fall off their pedestal in my head. I put them up there and then wait for them for fall. And they will. We aren't perfect. But I need to hurry here. I fed myself and went to Sheis' house. Steve drove me, and I was terrified the whole way. What if the car slid? Come on now, it was kinda icy, I should think. I got my car back. He just wanted to drive me. He insisted. And I didn't want to drive alone- I couldn't do it. I couldn't go alone. I think I'm not the best thing out there. I've always known that, and I've been spoiled having someone who always thinks I'm the best thing since sliced cheese. Obviously that isn't everyone, but when I climb my way up and think I'm there, that I'm important, well I'm not. Uh doi. I've actually decided I don't really want to about this. It's stupid of me to be lying to myself about these things, to not accurately put it all down. To be leaving things out so that when I finally do stumble here again in the future, I'll be protecting myself. I won't remember how suckish I feel and stupidely I acted. I won't have a detailed enough account. That's what I need. Otherwise it will take random memory jogs- Standing in a familiar place, hearing a familiar voice, moving in a familiar way. or else these feelings are lost forever. How I feel, exactly right now, will be gone. To see someone rely so heavily (emotionally) on their dislike of a person. To hear how they feel about someone, and when they act it's something so different. Love is a funny thing. I wasn't expecting it though. Not at all. I prolly should have. I should have caught that. I was feeling down about people in general. That happens. The current situation overshadows everything I already know. I'm rotten. I mean just plain rotten. Not good, left on the shelf too long, mean, however you want to picture me. I'm sure you're right if you've been listening.

I got off the bus yesterday. Well no, I want on the bus, and I was in a seat, and for some reason I expected to look over and see him. I stepped off the bus and I could have been thirteen again. I felt rotten. I've been lucky, that I don't ride the bus, and he's gone, and she's at a different school. Yeah, luckys the word. I can't not remember though. I can't ever forget.

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