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So mad!

Jul 01, 2008 07:05AM - 16 comments

I just want to write this out, it makes me feel better when I do!!
GRR!
My step dad and mom come down the stairs earlier griping at eachother, while I'm napping [FINALLY] on the couch and wake me.. Then my step dad comes in and starts wrustling around bags and cans and such. Paying no mind to the fact that I would LOVE some freaking SLEEEEP! >:( I went upstairs to the bathroom then he come up to his room so I went and asked if he was done and he says angrily " Yeah! There's nothing to fix down there." I said with clear attitude "Uh Yeah! Trust me, I KNOW that." It just gets me so mad when I really stop to think about it.
How bad of parents they truly are. Going out to fast food almost everyday. [Just as well. Let him clog his arteries with his own greed!!] And getting nothing for us! Nothing!! While we sit there hungry, loathing the next time we have to cook another damned frozen pizza, canned ravioli, bagel or poptart! EW!!! Makes me so MAD!

They pay no mind to us and go about their daily lives as if they did not ever have kids. When I think about my earlier years, at the ages of 12 and 13, a hurt and angry adolescent, I recall all of the extensively eratic behaviour.  My cries for help. And how they were ignored. I think about the screaming-almost crying, to loud music in my room on almost a daily basis. I think of the cuts that began to find themselves across my wrists. I think of the times I would not eat. I think of eating and imediately puking. Of hating myself. I think of sneaking out at night, barely 13, with my best friend wondering the cold, dark streets of the lower-end of town in the middle of the night. I remember the drinking, the drugs. I think of all of my F***** up problems.. Where they stemmed from... And most of all, how they were ignored.

No one noticed a single cut on my wrist, I bared them loudly on my arms as a constant reminder of my internal agony and a bright red flag dying for some attention. They were not concealed all of the time. And yet, no one noticed. That hurt more than the knife that pierced the skin. The times I would sit in my room and bawl my eyes out just wishing someone would come and comfort me and truly ask, with concern rather than frustration, what was really wrong with me. Was it the step dad that treated us all like dirt? The new step-sibling appearing out of nowhere that I was forced to accept and get used to? My father running out of my life with my then-baby brother who I adored? Or was it the simple emotional neglect I experienced on a day-to-day basis?
Who knows.

They got me into counseling, but I saw it more of... so that they didn't have to deal with my depression and fits of rage. They ranted on to the Dr.s about how bad I was all of the time.. They didn't look to themselves for my behaviour... They didn't try to find the cause, just the cure. Threw me on some medication and figured suppressing my emotions with pills would fix their own problem. Me.
One day, for no real reason, I had a revalation and appreciated the world. I stopped the fighting. I straightened up, for the most part. I matured. Made an effort to change.. Unfortunately in that effort I left everyone else behind.
Everyone still has the same old problems. The same poor unhealthy lifestyle and habits. The same uncaring. They ignore my step brother just the same and I see it. I see how it effects him emotionally, and how behind he is, socially. How he could be 'better'. And how, as much as it pains me to say it.... At this point I'm failing to even care.

:(

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by msgorgeous, Jul 01, 2008 07:30AM
Im sorry your going through this i was in a similar situation. Its tough and only the strong survive. you were one of the strong ones. i feel my moms now ex husband (never called him dad he was a piece of sh!t) excuse my language ruined my life not entirely but in some sense he did.I dislike him very much so. I just want you to know your not alone. times are tough but hang in there theres a light at the end of the tunnel even tho it seems like a never ending tunnel. as for your step brother i dont know what to say really i just hope he dont let it affect him. it can do alot of damage. low self esteem no confidence insecurities i know that because i have all those and i have my ex step dad to blame ppl may say im wrong for blaming him but till they put themselves in my shoes back then then they to would say the same thing. Again im sorry for whats going on keep your head up. Im here for you! i may not know you in person but you have a big heart and your a great person. :) Dont think about the bad in your life it just brings you down. think about the positive things in your life :) sorry its a lil long :)

by Michele, Katy, TX, Jul 01, 2008 07:35AM
Wow K........

I suggest you continue to keep journals.  You know reading this journal, sounds just like me when I was a little bit younger than you.  Sad part is, I can't ever say that I was neglected but yet I did some of the same things.  I cut on myself, attempted suicide and then went on to have an eating disorder when I was in my early 20s.  I was a young teenage mother just like you.  I do know how you feel.  I hate this for you.  You just had this beautiful little angel.  I'm sitting here racking my brain trying to think of something to say or do that will help you.

I'm sooooo very sorry.  No child should ever have to experience what you did.  But you have a wonderful head on your shoulders and your lil guy will be the better for it.  Always here if you need to talk........

by jeh57, Jul 01, 2008 07:47AM
Hey Kelsey.....First.....Congrat. on your new arrival.He is adorable! Now that you have a son to care for,you must take good care of yourself..so you can be there for your baby.He needs you to be there for him.It seems like you have stepped up to the plate...that is something hard to do,especially at your young age. Concentrate on getting your education...so you will be able to provide a good stable home for yourself and your son.Life is hard..and parents are not perfect,even tho most of us try to be! You can learn alot from your parents and in your case..maybe where they went wrong.and try not to repeat the same thing with your child.Try to be happy and seek out good positive friends that can help you stay on the right path! You have a long road ahead of you..and their will be twists and turns along the way...but always try to get back on the right road.Look how far you have come...you have a beautiful baby now that depends on you!!! Stay positive and look to the future! Janice

by jenshim, Jul 01, 2008 07:48AM
KStarr-you have a similar story to me. You know what though? I rose above! I got pregnant when I was 17 and moved out of that sick house and created a life of my own. Looking back, the pregnancy was a way for me to show unconditional love to someone. Problem is, I married an abusive man and spent about 10 years with him before finally getting myself and my four kids (by that time) out. Everyone is in control of their destiny. You have intelligence on your side, I can tell. Use that to keep your head up. You know right from wrong. Don't use your upbringing and surroundings as an excuse to settle for that kind of lifestyle. Continue on with your education, surround yourself with people that care, show an interest in you, and have similar goals.

I kept my journals. I go back to them occasionally and read them. I realize how far I've come and how I didn't use their sicknesses as an excuse to behave the same way. I'm happier now than ever and have a great life but it does take work. It takes determination and, even still today an almost constant reminder of who I want to be. I question every step, making sure I am making the right one. Just keep your chin up and keep journaling. Do you have any other healthy family members you could stay with?

by tiredbuthappy, Jul 01, 2008 07:55AM
use this knowledge and all of your experiences to be the best mom you can be to Riley. And honestly, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job so far.

i also want to add that  I have been very impressed with you (not that i'm here to judge people- you just can't help but get impressions of people who are on here). Anyways, until I read your profile, i NEVER would have thought you are 16. You are very articulate and obviously intelligent. Lots of teens come and go on here, asking silly or immature questions. Their grammar and lingo is so foreign to me that it's hard to comprehend them most of the time. Your priorities are clear- you want to do the best you can for your baby. I was actually wondering what you would like to do, in addition to being a mommy. I have a feeling that you will be successful.

I know that was a bit off topic, but it does kinda relate because all of those experiences, as terrible as they were and continue to be, have made you into the person and the mommy you are today. you got pregnant young, but are strong enough to handle it. it ***** that you had to go through all of that when you were younger, and it makes a person wonder who you could be if you had more support. But I hope you do realize what a strong person you are and what a good person you. I hope you do have a dream and ambition, because I strongly suspect you can achieve it.

by AJH84, Jul 01, 2008 09:03AM
Hey KStarr. You are so far above all this negativity intellectually. You are so fortunate in that you realize the roots of all these issues and that you have enough motivation, determination, self-respect, and love for your child to rise above it all.
I've been in your shoes; I know I've told you some of my past, so I won't go into detail. But reading your journal brings back so many of my own memories of many, many miserable years that I was imprisoned in. Those years I suffered through defiinitely shaped me into the person I am today though, because I knew that I didn't want to be like the people that hurt me. I also knew I didn't want to ruin my own life and use them to blame. I just wanted to get my life together and make it into MY life and become better than so many of them. I had no desire to become a "product of my environment."
I still struggle with the emotions that bubble up sometimes; the resentment, anger, disgust, and disappointment. I don't think those ever truly go away, but I try not to dwell on those negative feelings too long, or else I just find myself miserable, unmotivated, and depressed...risking becoming exactly who I don't want to be. When I get like that, I make lots of effort to surround myself with loving, caring friends and go places I know will lift my spirits (for me, that's mainly church. It's a small church and I'm very close to most of the people there).
As for your step brother, there's only so much you can do. He is his own person, and he's under your parents' care, not yours. The most you are responsible to do for him is be his positive reinforcement if he seeks that from you.  Let him know you are there for him so he can seek your support if he chooses. Other than that, his life and his emotions are out of your control.
Personally, I think you're doing a great job keeping yourself together in these living conditions, and you have an absolutely beautiful son. I'm sure he's helping you stay motivated to be the best you can be for yourself and for him--I know that's how it is with me every time I look at my son!
You'll both get through this, just stay strong. Your little guy is counting on you. And you can always send me a PM anytime. :-)

by KStarr07, Jul 01, 2008 08:01PM
Thanks for your support, girls.
You guys are like my own personal sanctuary here on medhelp. :)

by JoyRenee, Jul 01, 2008 08:17PM
I second tiredbuthappy's note to you. There's a lot of people who've gone through what you have (the cutting, the therapy, no food, etc.). In fact, one of them happens to be an old friend of mine from highschool. She is an AMAZING mom BECAUSE of her awful childhood. Be the best you can be for Riley. Finish your education. Get the heck out of there! You seem to really like writing so I think it'd be awesome if, in your spare time (if you have any) you could write a book. Get it published! Help get you some money, you know? You can do anything you put your mind to, so go for it, sweetie!

by luv2bmommy, Jul 01, 2008 09:09PM
Oh honey I am so so sorry about the things in this post. I cannot even imagine all you have overcome. And the other girls are right, you sound so enlightened on this life for such a young age. So many others can just repeat the cycles of life that they know and are brought up with, but you have broken the mold and decided to be stronger than that, for yourself and for your baby. That takes SUCH personal strength and disclipline. I have never met you but Im glad to have read this and heard a little peice of your story, and am VERY proud of you! We are all impressed and proud. I can't wait to see what you do with this new outlook, but am very close to tears to know that you had to suffer for so long to gain it. That is what happens sometimes when people are hurt for so long and there is nothing they can do about it, why even fight it or wonder why any more? Just enjoy YOUR life the way YOU want to, and dont hold on to those negative things and let them eat at you. I wish you had parents like mine, who would see what a brilliant woman you are and how wonderful of a mother you are going to make. Your son is one lucky little guy! anyway, keep your chin up, continue being you. You are doing an amazing job and I hope to hear an update soon.

by KStarr07, Jul 01, 2008 10:43PM
JoyRenee and luv2bmommy,  you two should read an encouragement article about emotional neglect that I wrote for a site I go to. I do like writing joy, I've tried, but I always come across a block and can't figure out what else to say, eventually.
You guys help me keep sane, so much.. I will keep posting journals here..
I can't wait to give Riley the life, attention, love (and home cooked meals lol) that I never had.

by becca_3456, Jul 01, 2008 11:14PM
This is the saddest thing I have ever read:( I am sorry for all you have had to endure in such a short amount of years.   It breaks my heart to know that every day you and more young people have to live in this ****** world were it seems like no one cares. I dont know if you believe in Jesus but I know that he cares for you and what happens to you. When you feel alone and abandoned HE is always there. If you let him he will wrap his loving arms around you and be there to comfort you. I know it may sound corny or stupid to some people but even though we may forget about him sometimes, he NEVER forgets about us. I wish you the best in life. I know from reading your post and journals that you love you little baby more than anything and I believe that you will do everything you can to make sure he is happy and loved. I am impressed that at your age you would even attempt to breastfeed your baby. Most young girls would not have even considered it. To me that proves that you are not just another teenage mother having a baby but someone who actually cares about the life they brought into this world. Good luck with everything and I hope one day you get some peace:)

by babyscience, Jul 01, 2008 11:28PM
I can say I had a bit of the same rebelion you have had, except I had an over bearing mother that was always in my business, always needed to know what was wrong and never gave me my own space at times.  However, I had my own set of issues beyond her.  I can now say at the age of 28, I became my own worst enemy.  I did things I shouldnt have just to rebel.  It is like you just want to rip yourself out of your own skin because the anger you have inside of you and screaming at the top of your lungs eases the stress a bit but doesnt take it away.  I think the cutting is a way to release pain and hurt....funny because even though it hurts to do it does feel like a "release" and a step of independence.   It seems like you have gotten past that point and now you truly know who you are.  Sometimes people just have to go through that to grow and realise you can only count on yourself for your own comfort.  
It is so funny how each parent will raise their child different from the generation before!  I know I will give Ethan more space than my mother gave me....I just hope it isnt too much space, but a happy medium!  

It also s u c k s that you have to live with a j e r k off of a step dad!!  One day you will be out of there and be so thankful.

by tiredbuthappy, Jul 02, 2008 06:03AM
that's funny because i was also thinking you should write :)  it could be a way for you to earn some extra cash. start simple- if you find you hit blocks while writing the great american novel, try writing short stories or even essays. honestly, i think that your experiences as a teen mom can be very helpful to others. i know there are many teen moms out there who have experiences to share, but not many are as articulate as you are.

by KStarr07, Jul 02, 2008 06:21AM
I put this journal inside the article. I'm going to put my article up in a different journal for you ladies to read and tell me what you think, how about that? :P

by KStarr07, Jul 02, 2008 06:56AM
**Whenever my internet on my own computer is working because that's where it's saved.

by jenshim, Jul 02, 2008 07:51AM
KStarr...the thing that kept me going and wanting to be more than a product of my environment was to constantly remind myself that I was NOT going to be a statistic...I was NOT going to be what they (society) said I would be. I was a teen Mom...of an alcoholic...who had many boyfriends that did not care. My little brother was the golden child and I was, well, the "bad" child. I was the oldest and the "caretaker". I grew up to be a responsible adult...but did make some bad choices at first. Without even realizing, I started to become what I didn't want to be...self fulfilling prophecy they call that. However, I was able to open my eyes and see what was happening. I was able to remember the promise I made to myself years ago...that I was NOT going to be what they said I would. Set goals, stick with them it helps build self esteem. Believe in yourself and choose to associate with people that you know mean well and are good people. People that believe in YOU and want to help you be everything you can be. You have great potential...

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