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I seem to have a lot of knives

Jan 15, 2010 - 2 comments
Tags:

knives

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sleeping meds

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logic-missing

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knife balance

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sharpness

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skin test

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shaking

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Blood

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bandaids

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chopping

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Vegetables

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serrated knife

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lemon grass

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lettuce

,

stab wound

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knife skills

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missing nail

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clean cut

,

mom

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dad

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dissecting

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earthworm

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Headache



In my hands today. Actually, just the sharp ends. That's all I seem to have. I took them out of their plastic last night, and well in the retrospect I probably should not have been messing with knives on a new sleeping med while I was already exhausted to begin with, it was already late, and I love those damn things. I simply had to try them all out and make sure they were balanced and nice and sharp. Of course, if I had examined them any closer in the store and then at home, in the car, everywhere else I happened to have them, maybe I would have found a flaw in every knife I picked up. Either way, I was no balanced, so I couldn't balance a knife on my shaky finger. God willing, I certainly tried every other finger too. But they just kept seeming to fall. And fall. And I was covered in cuts but it didn't hurt. I was numb. And they weren't even bleeding really. Actually they were. But it wasn't important. They had bled through the bandaids in the morning. I changed them and it was fine. Some of them may have been intentional. Not really intentional, because I wasn't really all there. I was logic-missing. But I got the idea in my head I needed to test out their sharpness, and my hand would be the best place for that. Especially the serrated knife. Still doesn't hurt, actually. but they look a little silly. I have those little spot bandaids on.
Of course, I'm chopping all morning. Vegetables. Lemon grass. Lettuce. I enjoy chopping. But I have to turn the lemon grass, and push towards my hand. One tiny slip, and I stabbed myself! It looks like a very tiny stab wound. You know how the skin kindof curls in around it? It's smaller than a paper cut. Just the tip. It's just kinda deep. It's fine though.
Tonight, I was practicing my knife skills and,  well, playing with my new chef's knife. I was shredding lettuce. I find it pretty fun. So I'm shredding this whole head of lettuce. I completely thought to myself, hm, blades getting awfully close to my finger. But how much harm could it do? Damn that was my nail. Ohh, super damn I broke the nail. Ohhh, hot damn, I sliced my nail off halfway down my finger. Clear off. No pulling, no tearing. I just sliced that nail right off. And yes, it was bleeding. I gave up for the night. My mom was going to kill me anyways. I look like someone ATTACKED my left hand. I have 3 bandaids, because one fell off today.

The bandaid fell off because I was dissecting an earthworm. Not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, the worm was not NEARLY as creepy and puke-making as it would have been alive and moving. I killed that poor little worm's body. I resisted naming him. But I did get to know him rather personally. I felt weird not knowing what to call him by. I scalped his body and pinned it open. I cut open his skin and sliced through his hearts. I was curious. I needed to know what was in there. Again, a knife put into my hands. I feel so lethal.

My head is really aching because the lights are so bright. I can't stop squinting and frowning and now I hurt. But I can't stop doing it. It just happens. Even when I am directly thinking to myself, stop doing that.

Shei is upset and I am not good at this. Less serious things,  all I'm good for is comedic relieve. It's not that I don't want to help, and I love to listen. But I don't like getting help and advice, so I don't know what other people need to hear. I'm trying but my effort is futile. I will always listen though. I will not stop trying to help.

I'm really dizzy. It's probably all the blood I've been seeing. But hey maybe I'm just silly. Either way it's late and there's too much blood pumping into my finger. I ate more carrot cake today than you would believe. I love carrot cake. I could live on it.

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933174_tn?1375796153
by tweekie, Jan 16, 2010
Are you stoned? Your post sounds altered but you may be just that if you're cutting yourself repeatedly. It sounds like a good account of a depersonalization experience. Are you actually being real or are you just dramatic, not to be insulting. If I were you I would get to a hospital immediately, because it sounds  like you're willing to hurt yourself for whatever it does for you and these types of things can land you in serious danger.

908149_tn?1248719819
by Krisiness, Jan 18, 2010
I wasn't stoned. Haha. The first night I had started Trazodone. I'm on Ambien already and if I don't get to bed after X many minutes, there's no telling where I'll end up. But occasionally I'll wake up with cuts all over me and bruises and not remember how I got them. I have no doubt that they're my doing-whether it be I found something sharp, or I was just running around in my underwear and kept bumping things and falling over. The Trazodone hit me a lot faster than I was used to, so I didn't make it to bed. My knives are Culinary knives.
I really don't lie or exaggerate unless it's something stupid like "I'm so tired I want to die!". These things are really me. They really happen and this is my personal take on them.

My stab wound and missing nail were accidents. The others were me already knowing what would happen if I tried to balance a knife in the air while on sleeping medicine. And then doing it anyways. And then just getting carried away testing their sharpness.
I wasn't on medicine or drugs when I wrote this either- I'm not sure why it sounds altered.  

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