Laziness and Craziness

That car horn went off again at 3:30 am this morning.  This time it was parked directly in front of my balcony and again the owner never came out to do anything.  I didn’t bother calling police non-emergency this time, because last time when the whole neighborhood pestered them for two hours about it, they never had the car towed or came looking for the owner.  

I think it's supposed to be an alarm, but it's a horn and it beeped one long two-hour beep that finally dimmed and petered out around 5:30am.  I got up when it first started and ripped apart the block that I so meticulously made for the AC hose...tore it out of the sliding glass door so I could close the door all the way.  It still sounded like the car was parked next to my bed.  I put in earplugs.  Still deafening.  I squished the warmed up gel ice pack left over from yesterday's migraine on my left ear, with the plugged right ear pressed onto my pillow.  The noise was still driving me crazy.  

My ears started throwing in other sounds that couldn’t have possibly existed in this reality.  I am sane, but wouldn’t have been certain of that fact last night.  I folded the gel pack in half and piled all the spare pillows on top of it....it was quite the tower balancing on my head.  I felt like the pea in the princess story.  (I have a lot of pillows…)

Surprisingly, I snoozed fitfully until the car battery ran dead at around 5:30.  Then at six AM a slew of workers started up their compressor and their cement smashing devices, and had fun making as much noise clutter as possible...and it was almost as bad as the horn.  It wasn’t as bad though, because that horn makes the inside of my head ring.  

Needless to say, I didn't make it to my classes today.  I could not get up.  I actually didn't have a pounding headache, go figure…just a mild one and quite the kink in my neck.  But it was enough excuse for me to be the laziest hoodlum ever.  I finally got up at 2pm and I loathe myself for it...not really hate.  I just feel totally guilty.  And I'm in such fog still.  This is not good for me…breaking from regimen.  I wonder how I am going to pay for my irregularity.  The happy part is that I have not taken any imitrex from an experience that should have given me a migraine.  

Is it the Botox, or am I just dealing with stress better?  Don’t know because both things are going on.  I don’t have the energy right now to let anything bother me.  I am choosing to let things go instead of feeling upset about them…not any new trick for me.  Just doing it really well this last week.  I am really noticing how Billy takes the littlest thing and obsess about it endlessly…It’s really not worth his or my time.  As he magnifies the problem I’m thinking, “Can’t you think of anything better to talk about?  Why does our phone conversation have to focus on negative things?”  

I guess he really needs to talk about it….or maybe he just needs something less upsetting than his home life to stress about.  

But me?  I don’t care.  I really don’t.  They can all make a huge deal over these tiny little things and I really don’t give a duck.  It won’t make any difference in the grand scheme of my life.  All I care about is not having a headache.  And what I will remember is how these psychologists and nurses wasted all their energy on nothing, while important things flew by them…like the problem with Angelina and Jerry that is making everybody walk out of group.  Now that is the problem that should be fixed….not the “problem” of Billy and I getting intimate.  There are no other problems, other than their inability to see the big picture…and I am the one who supposedly needs the counseling.  I really just need less headaches and chaos…and people in my life who are at my emotional and intellectual level.  That’s all.  Then I could function the way I used to…and better.  I can’t make them wake up, so I really don’t care whether they do.  I’m leaving anyway.  

I try to imagine what it would be like for them if they were me and everything little thing made them violently ill.  They would have kamikazed into oncoming traffic ages ago.  They would never have a single moment free from the pain that they cause themselves.  How can people spend their lives focusing on every little thing that is wrong with other people?  How miserable of an existence…?  There is enough suffering in my life as it is.  I have to choose very carefully what I am going to let bother me, and let the rest of it go….and just not care at all.  And I don’t.  And I really am proud of myself.  And I’m not sure how I do it, but when I figure it out, I will let you know.  I think it has something to do with keeping my eyes on the prize or the big picture and staying objective.  This too shall pass.  

My mom said to me once…and it really pissed me off at the time, but she was right:

“It’s all about choices.  You can choose to let something bother you, or you can choose to ignore it.  How do you WANT to feel?”