Jan 30, 2010
Today was another rare out and about day. With a family member accompanying me a chance to see the photography museum in N.Y.C. and some surrealist photography from France from the 1920's. At the same time there was a short film playing by the film maker who would later become a well know French director Jean Renoir. That film was a wild surrealist take on the "match girl" story (with some anti-war overtones, this was in the 20's remember France had just been through World War I). One could do a google video search "La Petite Marchande d'allumettes". Of far more importance was the fact that I was noting what neurological reaction it brought out in me. The dissociation did occur but also echopraxia (compulsive copying of movements) and echolalia (copying words or sounds, that was supresssed until outside). The echopraxia occured when viewing the wooden soldiers in the movie with my arms moving in those fixed motions (aspect of Parkinsonism). There was a drop in consciousness and I was completely disturbed when security guards proclaimed "the museum is closing" because my orientation had dropped. When I exited the museum that turned into psychomoter agitation. Thus in seeing noting what I went through when exposed to an emotional trigger point, there were movement changes. All this is concordant with tardive dysphrenia as well as tardive dysmentia. As I approach a consult with the neurologist who originally documented the critiera "tardive dysphrenia" I am keeping track of it as well so I can explain it better from a consumer perspective.
People often ask why my recovery and tracking of it is so clinical. That's a very valid question. Well to tell you the truth I did enjoy today. I enjoyed the museum. The film was amusing. And it was nice to walk through Times Square on a wintry day without crowds, especially since the city was practically empty. And also to see some remaining historical buildings (such as an old pawn shop, almost of those are gone, those used to be in all cities and more people used them then to sell unneeded items to pay for things, now that the reccession is in force they are making a come back). As for that film, I remember seeing the title itself on a movie marquee on my first visit to Paris at age 12. French words sound unusual in English so the word made an impression on me at the time. Those are all normal emotional feelings. Why have they returned? The answer is that my inability to percieve emotions came from the tardive dysphrenia. The manganese has a dopamine boosting effect and is treating it. If you go through my collages any delusional aspects of them are either neurological or due to the flare ups of any dopaminergic boosting treatments (which my providers very carefully monitor). Very little are psychiatric and there may be some mood disruptions here and there which the Catapres and now the Vimpat has settled down. And this specific dissociation does occur in extreme cold or darkness. That is typically neurological. My providers agree with all this but its new to all of us. I do know my neurologist had a strongly favorable impression of the neurologist I am being referred to who originated the criteria "tardive dysphrenia". They had an extensive discussion. And my psychopharmocologist can confirm that what I experience meets the critieria the research neurologist first documented. But I can see that today in being in a very cold day (20's or below) with of course darkness (its winter) I experienced far less dissociation and did not feel "lost in the cold" neurologically and did enjoy the day. The question is what exactly happenned and how could it further be scientifically understood. Well that question will have to be left in suspense until I have a consult with the researcher and the "story" will be a very conclusive piece of scientific documentation that may have very tangible results..