I was so tired and unwilling to do anything. So I just didn't. I stared at the wall, and felt like ****, and finally fell asleep. Woke up several times. Was angry. Made it to school. Was very tired. Tried random foods at voc. Failed at learning Algebra. Almost cried. Held the whole class up for 20 minutes having this whole thing explained to me and didn't understand a word of it. Forgot to take my anxiety meds till after ulnch. Spent the whole day violently twitching , like bad, and trying not to squirm. I could not for the life of me stay in my seat. I was never comfortable. I could not focus. I was so tired and pissed off. I had to get quizzed on my new IEP. And I just don't flippin know! Just leave me alone, everyone.
I did try to be positive, things just kept going wrong. I came home and really wanted a nap, but I went snoboarding. I waas so thrilled- all myold friends and steve and it was sunny and I was ready! We get there and it's cold and icy and I'm still trying. We get aleout ther and steve is miserable, barely talking to me. He doesn't like to be there. I'm upset, I've done something wrong, I don't know. I don't kniow what. But he's not right. I meet up with Alex and we go tp the top of the hill. Alex is completely normal. I go in for dinner and they're all laughing how they're all fine and Alex is still messed up! Waving like a silly head and cracking up and stoned. Oooh, ain't she funny, everyone else feels fine for hours and she's still high as a kite. Even though hse HAS tolerance, obviously. Pised me off. I was yelling how she was fine ten minutes ago. And then it was all ALEX IS FAAAAAAAAKE. And maybe I got her in trouble, but she shouldn't be like this. I hate fakers. Everyone does. Why even bother? You don't look funny, you just get raped. End.
The really funny part is, I'm heading to the lift with her and steve, marveling over how lucky I am, how happy, even. I'm thinking how now I have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and a best friend. And ho that's all I need. But I have no best friend. IO think I have her back, but she's always out there. And she's lying straight to my goddamn face.
AND EVERYONE KEEPS BABYING ME. DO I NEED YOUR PITY? I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY.
I don;t need your baby talk voices, the little things I accomplish and you say " Good job answering those questions, Kristina. " The rest of the class did too. "You did very good today, Kristina." I was angry and rude and yelling. and dissagreeing. "That was good, Love" And it breaks my heart because I love him, but I want the way he used to yell "That was amazing! " I want a real, honest, genuine compliment. I scrape by, how is that so good? Am I so pathetic? I go over a small box, everyone oes. Four year olds do. But I get his baby voice. And he was rolling his eyes a minute ago. And I love that he watches and it ruins it when he says that. I don't know why. Maybe I'm "overreacting" again.