Jul 17, 2015
Why This? I ask. What made me reach out to this website and start writting a journal. "Is his life that bad" some may ask. Sad to say but ya, my life is that bad, thats what made me reach to this cause i was looking for help for my anxiety disorder. I dont have insurance, so i cant afford to see a doctor. Since thats the case how do i know i have an anxiety disorder if a doctor hasnt checked me out. Heres my story. " I Grew up as one of Jehovahs witnesses with my grandma but i lived with my mom who doesnt attend none of the meetings and at the time didnt have a any type of disorders i was a happy kid that had fun, but growing up i watched my mom get beat my many guys that came in and out of our lifes. Everyone of her boyfriends abused her, me and all my little brothers and sisters. Having to watch my mom get held to the floor and spit on her face made me hate men with a passion these disgusting men that deserve nothing took everything away from me, so i thought. So by the age of 13 i stoped being a jehovahs witness and started to run away from home, and got picked up by the police over and over again. It wasnt till i was 15 that i started smoking cigerrettes and pot, now by the age of 16 i ran away to a meth house and started using meth from 16 till 21. I became really addicted to meth and other things and i really just lost it i would say. My family tried to help me, my dad tried to help i mean everbody tried to get me off the drugs but evertime they did get my off the drugs i always found myself going back to it for some reason. Now when i was 21 i got visited by one of jehovahs wittnesses and they offered me to attend one of there meetings. I thought to myself why not, nothing else has helped me clean up my life so i thought to myself why not give the bible a chance, and so i did and i change my life completely around and i was happy again. i got baptized december 29 2012 it wasnt till 2014 that i started to feel different, i couldnt think right, i couldnt talk to anyone one, my body wanted to run on the inside but i couldnt go anywhere. I didnt understand why i was feeling the way i was, i didnt know what to call it. i started to become scared of going outside. This might sound crazy but certain sounds didnt sound familiar anymore so it scared me. I felt like my body was shuting down and i didnt know what to do. So it cause me to become really depressed cause i didnt know why i felt the way i felt so late i night i got tired of it so i hung a rope in my garge and i was going to kill myself cause this pain in my head came out of no where and i just wanted it to stop. Back then i didnt know what was going on, no i know that what was happening is that i was having a panic attack and i didnt know what to do. Based on learnning what i know now is that i suffer from all sorts of anxiety disorders that i cant control, and one of these days its going to kill me. My anxiety causes me to become paranoid, and Schizophrenia. Today is july 17 2015 8:30p.m C.a. bakersfield time and i just had a anxiety attack yesterday and its still going right now. I was supposed to pick up my baby brothers today but i couldnt cause i cant and i gave there mom some money to take those two boys of mine to the movies today. And i said my goodbye. The only thing stoping me from ending my life right now is writing this stupid journal hoping it will do something for me. I just want to be happy again and not to ever worry. I want to be myself again but i cant.