All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

Feeling numb and exhausted

Jul 22, 2015 - 1 comments
Tags:

Anxiety

,

Depression

,

Health

,

Mental Health

,

hopeless

,

therapy

,

chronic depression

,

pain disorder

,

medications

,

Addiction



Sometimes I wonder if I'm a mixture of extreme negativity and laziness, or if it really is severe depression.  I feel like I've been stuck in a black hole for a few years already and each time I started climbing out I would eventually slip back down.  And people, they can only hold their hands out to help me up for so long until they get tired and give up.  That's one of the worst things about chronic depression I think.  Most times I have already given up or I am barely hanging on to hope, so when I notice others are sick of it and start to give up hope it makes it that much worse.  How can I believe I am meant to be here, that there's hope and purpose and a future for me?  How am I supposed to believe I can win the fight when everyone around me has finally just accepted my depression and anxiety as my personality.  To my family and some "friends", I AM depression and anxiety.

I never leave my room anymore.  For the first time my body is actually responding to my mental health in the form of serious illness and sickness.  I panic when I'm out of my room for too long.  I have anxiety at the thought of putting on makeup to go somewhere and even worse I dread having to come home and use so much energy taking the makeup off.  I'm distant and mute around everyone now.  I hide away in corners and dodge interaction at all costs.  I'm beyond the point of faking a smile.  

I miss when I had the strength to get help.  Medications, intensive therapy mostly twice a week and sometimes a 3rd time for an "emergency appointment".  But I did it.  It got way worse before I began feeling better and lighter.  For two years straight I didn't give up.  Suddenly it just stopped.  I don't have the energy or motivation to fight. I only put off my general health and well-being now.

I WANT to want to get better.  I want to feel that motivation or courage. I can't seem to find the push or the faith now.

Comments
Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by Lisaep, Nov 09, 2015
I am so very sorry no one has responded to you. It can be an exhausting uphill battle. I often think I don't want help. That I want to just give up on faking I am okay.

I feel better when I make a to do list and then do it. Start small and make plans and build on it. You are meant to be here!! The purpose for life is that you  are God's child. Life is a journey and the guide on how to live it is in the Bible. We are meant to work and to serve others. Love God the father, pray to Jesus to help you, have the holy spirit fill your heart. I would suggest a Christian church, a Calvery Chapel is a great option. They teach the Bible, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Find faith in God, I promise you!!!!!
The Bible, Gods words, tell you how to live a happy fulfilled life and warn you what will keep you from that. I will pray for you and a good church will help you, pray for you and lift you up. Not having our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to pray to and to have a personal relationship with will leave you without hope.

Try going to greglaurie.tv and also look for his program, Harvest on Weds evening with a repeat on Friday(TBN network). He has good sermons and isn't selling false religion. He preaches the truth, straight from the Bible. Be careful lots of false religions ex: Catholic, Mormon (LDS), Jehovah Witness and they are very good at mind games and are about getting your money. More followers and their money.

Post a Comment