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Not such a bad day, really

Feb 06, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

Crying

,

warmth

,

ruckus

,

mom

,

dad

,

school

,

waking up

,

Weight

,

104 lbs

,

memories

,

noticing

,

skinny

,

loose clothes

,

chelsey d

,

nausea

,

cereal

,

yeast bread

,

cupcakes

,

dinner

,

Dave

,

sara

,

jon

,

Brendan jon's friend

,

steve

,

call of duty

,

modern warfare 2

,

hallucinations

,

driving

,

darkness

,

noises

,

voices

,

shadows

,

faces

,

Anxiety

,

Panic

,

yeast infection

,

Urinary tract infection

,

dream

,

jonah

,

a baby

,

premature

,

shei

,

shopping

,

getting attached to dreams

,

someone to love

,

my baby

,

plans for the future



Much better than yesterday. Well it's the end of the night and I feel much better. Last night I just kept crying and didn't want to get out of the shower, and I was so ridiculously tired. I woke up today and it was quiet. That's a lie. I woke up to ruckus of my mom running around and dad going to bed. And I FREAKED because it was almost 8 and I was not at school.... And that's how much it worries me.

But then I woke again and it was quiet. I slowly got up and brushed my teeth. It was noon. I felt ok. I weighed myself, and I now weigh 104. My BMI is 19.0. I am lower than I ever have been. I remember, in the ninth grade, becoming sick and not being able to eat all day, which only led me to be more nauseas, and then the next day I was only 105 lbs. And that was almost a miracle, through my  fourteen year old eyes. The next day I ballooned back to 110. I fluxuated a lot back then. Now I'm pretty solid. But then, 105 was magical. I was ecstatic for days.  And 104? No biggie. I don't really care either way. Part of me wants to get down to 95, like I alwasy did.  But a larger part of me says that's too small.  That I already get called crack-addict skinny and my boyfriend's  mother has even noticed. And becasue it seems to be out of my hands, the current weight loss. I mean I couldn't try harder if...I tried.  I've just been dropping. And so maybe I will get to 95. But not on purpose. not becasue I'm trying. And how I feel then? I don't know. I guess that'll be the answer I searched for for years. How will I feel then?  Nothing will fit me. Nothing fits me already. Not even my underwear.  My friend weighs 100 lbs. I think that;'s a record for her. She's small boned.  I'm not- and I like the wider hips I've got.  But now, for the first time in so long, I am only 4 lbs more than her, and  she still looks smaller. I'm not imagining  it. She's smaller and I know that.  I mentioned it to her, that I'd lost weight.  She said Oh and gave me a once over. Then we tried on dresses and one fit me perfect, but wouldn't zip all the way for her.  I want people to notice. Not in a bad way though.  I just want  people to see me and think I'm beautiful. To want to know me. To wish they had me.  To see me and be interested. Not  even sexually, just interested. Curious. Wanting to know  my name.  Wanting to remember my face. Wanting to hang out with me.
But her opinion doesn't really matter, I guess. No more than it should.  I am me.

By the time I got to the kitchen, I felt so nauseas from the long sleep to eat.  Isat in front of the cupboard and all made me burp a little.  I had a small bowl of cereal, and struggled through it.  I didn't feel well, like always.  I made some yeast  bread! I was so proud.  I kneaded it, and  rolled it, and  rose it, and cooked it.  And it worked perfect.  It was a little dense, but fabulous, in my eyes.  You know? I like to have pride. I also tossed in some cupcakes for dessert.  Forsted and sprinkled. They were pretty big.  Yummy though. I love confetti cake.  My brother, his girlfriend, my other brother's friend, and steve came over for dinner. It was loud and pleasent and great. I miss loud dinners like that. My mom, Dave and Sara and I talked for a while. It was interesting. My parents got mad at each other, but it awsn't as bad as it could have been. I guess.

My brotherhis friend and steve and I played COD. I'm the odd one out, casue I'm terrible. But I did ok  when we did riot shield  battles.  I'm ok at that.  It was really fun anyways.  

I took Steve home, and I wanted to. I wanted to say goodbye to him right and talk to him and enjoy just being us.  I don't mind driving. It's the dark I mind.  It's the faces. And the sounds. And the voices. The movements in dark air. Shadows.  Noises in the car. All of it. I'm alone,  and I trun the music up and try to let my mind wonder. I try not  to exceed  40 MPH rushing home.  But the dark- and then I hear breathing- and as Steve was leaving, I started to cry.  Just too anxiously, I just started crying.  And he got back in the car til I could stop.  And then I left, and drove and ran from my car to  the house and I was fine. I called him, still shakey but feeling more confident.  And we talked, and I felt better. And the night went on.

I think I have a yeast infection. But without getting into the gorey details the symptoms aren't all right.  There are things that aren't  a UTI, all YI. But  the smell is definetly UTI. I have no clue. I'm ask my mom to get me a YI treater. Because I hate taking antibiotics. So whatever. And I'm still leaking with no basis.  And all the google had was about dogs. I was like great, I have something wrong with me that only occurs in dogs.  Hopefully it's sjust some strange YI symptom thing, though. And I'll clear it up.

I almost forgot to mention the very, very wierd dream I had last night.  I was just awalking around and suddenly I looked down and Iwas bleeding, and I started to yell and  then a baby fell out of me.  A small, dangerous looking baby. Obviously too small, obviously not nurtured. He was three lbs.  I just knew. And I was scared and it was like ohhh darn  I didn't even know Iwas pregnant.  That must hav ebeen why I was losing wieght. So I brought him to school and couldn't figure out what to tell my teachers. I thought about telling my friends, but couldn't make the right words. How to tell people ou have a baby when you weren't even pregnant?  And then I asked Shei if our babies could be friends. And she said yes, like she already knew about him.  And I thought it was kinda cool, how ther would onl be a four month differnce  in ages.  I'm a weirdo.  I took him to the grocery store to buy a crib and I was at the rigister when it dawned on me that I wasn't holding him anymore. I was mildly  worried, but apparently my dad had him. I don't know.   I watched him go to sleep and he was precious.   I wondered if he'd have red hair.  And I pondered what ot name him.  I guess I settled on Jonah.  A name I like- but I'm not sure I would name a kid.  But he was my baby, and I think I did random things for the rest of the night while carrying him.  Just mundane things, but everytime I looked down there was a baby in my arms. Now to think, though, it was wierd. He never made a sound. He was small and fragile- but almost solid like a footbal.  He somehow didn't seem like a baby.  And no one was upset, just like "Ohh, Kristina, you've done it again!" .  I kinda fell in love with him,  you know? In that way that can happen in dreams. I dreampt I woke up- beacuse in my dream it occured to me I was dreaming, and then in my dream I woke up. Not in my bed though. And there he was, my baby.  Just there. I was like oh.  Bad because I didn' ttruly want a REAL baby.  But good becasue he was still there, he was real. I wasn't losing it, becasue it felt good to have someone. Someone to hold onto.   And then I knew he was real. For realsies.  And then I woke up again and just thought about it. And got up to go find him and wake him up and play with the infant. But he wasn't there. That was oay. but I missed him a  little. Just a little.  I wanted to actually hold him. But i don't want a baby now. I am not olde of  stable  enough anyways. I don't want that , right now.  But for the future, I want kids.  I could have kids. But then I got all freaked out that after that I would't be fertile or something would go wrong... It's too much for right now though, lol.  

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