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runnin low

Dec 14, 2007 - 1 comments
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baby seizures

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family

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son

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daughter

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forgivness

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Baby

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bills

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illness

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sadness

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immune

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memories

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marriage

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My family

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Depression

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Jesus

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Counseling



,Have you ever just felt so broken so tired and overwhelmed for so so long  you know you cant keep on anymore?  but you do . Your the one that just keeps going blow after blow after blow! There  has been alot of devestating sadness in the life I live. Most of which i had/have no controll over. life happens  You put it  all away somewhere out of sight in the corners of your heart and mind. and you just keep on going because there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change any of it.you continue  doing the best you can to meet the many daily needs of the (special needs ) children,and adult children ( the family). meals.dishes.laundry. bathes,bill paying and bill worrying, homework,pets sombodys crisis.drs, dentists ,gas the car, take out the trash,call for propane.clean the tub, pick up your toys and your dirty clothes ,wash your face blow your nose.wheres the phone ?anwser the door! feed the dog.my oldest son has iga linear disease ( his immune system attacted his own body) full body breakout like open boils.he has gained controll of the break out with medication sees an immunology specialist 3 years now. the little boys came to live with us because their parents were addicted to herion they all suffer from various issues.17 yr daughter has weak immune system sick 75 % of the time. really sick 25% pnemonia .mono, pluresy etc.I am so tired of life, so many heart aches , I am so alone.so many memories of devastion keep  flashing into my mind  lately  i dont seem to have any controll over it,my dad was shot when i was 14  big mystery? he lived. later a boulder rolled down the hill hit the top of the cat bounced off and crushed a quarter of his skull. again he lived.my sister and i worked at diner nites.  one morn her new born baby died .my brother was killed  in a car accident on his way home from the corner store on my birthday 1991 he was 30 married with 3 children.my son was recently engaged to be married december 22 his fiance changed her mind. is pregnant with his child , our grandchild and is wanting an abortion. we are so deeply hurt.I have no words to describe  what this horror feels like. I cannot do this anymore.our oldest grandson molested his little brother ,we immediately persued help for him. he is not living in our home right now he will begin specialized counceling next week. we miss him very much.he was 5 when he came to live with us.we have a new grand baby from our second son and daughter inlaw their first.  the baby was 5 days old when he had his first seizure . the kids were living here with us  the baby began to jerk at perfect intervals we rushed him in to the er he was sent to childrens for a week the kids stayed there with their precious baby his seizures were brought under control with feenabarb  he is 7 months now and off the meds . he is doing well .yay!!! the kids are in their first home now as a family and well.thankyou lord. my dad left us when i was 12 he married his brothers x my aunt by marriage, my cousins became my stepsisters, my fathers step daughters.God forgive me, I hated them all. how could they do this? at school i told the ones who heard rummers that my dad died ! they divorced 4 yrs later. but my heart wont forget.   some how i thought if i just felt like i was talking to someone i would feel a bit better.  i have been like this for awhile now, this stuff just wont stop bombing my thoughts its trying to take me down . im tired of fighting tired of trying tired of this.  the dr bills are piling up again .weve recently lost over 1000 in monthly income ,the morg intrest just increased by2% whats the point? the faster i go the behinder i get! what am i thankfull for? hmmmm.....my lord jesus he is with me, he will never forsake me ,he shares my heart ache ,he is here when i feel so alone,i am blessed right now! the nite is quiet ,the christmas tree is lit ,my favorite candle is burning, i'm listening to praise 106.5( I'll fly away) one of my favorite songs. everyone is safley tucked in and asleep it is so peacefull at 3am smile... thankyou jesus

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by 3silvermoons, Jan 06, 2008
Hi Kas3814,

I just happened to come across your posting as I was browsing here and just wanted to send a note to say hello and to send some positive sweet energy and thoughts your way.

It sounds like you've had a lot of challenges in your life, so I'd say that all the sadness and heartache and the stuff bombing your thoughts is totally understandable and normal.  

I, too, have periods when heartache and thoughts of past and current sadness and stress wash over me, when I tears are so near the surface I cry uncontrollably in a sudden burst.  And, I sometimes think that it must just be all the painful and challenging things I've survived in my life, the things that for me have been really hard... almost losing my father when I was 5, alcohol problems in my home, father unemployed for a period, feeling lonely a lot as a child, parents that argued more as years went on and who eventually separated and divorced leaving all of us with broken hearts (but less arguing), father who moved overseas when I was 19 and lived far for 15 years, worrying at some point about each of my family members committing suicide (luckily none did), younger brother who realized as a teen that he'd been raped and molested more than once as a small child (the memories were blocked until late teens) and who then went through years of battling that-- including severe depression and suicidal talk and thoughts/anorexia/etc., me getting involved with at least two different guys who turned out to be emotionally abusive, losing my mother unexpectedly and suddenly in my late 20s-- breaking my heart, breaking up with my life mate after 10 years, having a hard time figuring out my life path and how to be happy and let go of depression.  I think also of all the pains of my loved ones-- each family member's pains and sorrows from their lives, and that leads me to tears sometimes and great heartache.

Despite all this, I still am grateful to have had a family full of true and deep love and committment, whom I still feel safe and loved around.  I'm grateful that my family has been kind and good, despite the fact that each of them have experienced abuse and hurt of different kinds in their lives.  I'm grateful that I always had enough to eat, a warm home and bed, parents who wanted to and figured out ways to help me go to college, a sweet brother who not only survived his ordeals earlier in life but who has gone on to be one of the most gentle and kind and "together" and content humans I've ever known, a job now that pays pretty well (even though it's not my dream or my perfect life path choice... it's ok for now... I've worked some unpleasant jobs in my time!)

So, I guess despite the hard stuff, when I'm able to get some perspective, I consider myself to have been lucky with much of what I've been given in this life.  I still deal almost daily with my internal struggles and trying to let go of periods of my past that still wash over me now and then causing a heart that just hurts.

I don't share all this as a way to compare or even say that I understand or know what you deal with... but just to let you know that you're not alone.  Sometimes it helps me to know that I'm not the only one suffering inside when I am-- it can help to hear that others deal with their struggles, and there are always others out there at any given moment living some sort of hell that we can't even imagine, it's so horrible.  For me, that helps put things in perspective!  

My father tells me sometimes "try to stay positive... look on the bright side of things, focus on the good things."  He's been through some major rough periods, and has pulled through, and says that thinking about the positive helps pull him up.  I also started doing yoga a few years ago, going to classes sometimes, and sometimes at home... and that has helped me lots-- it helps center me when I'm feeling frazzled and torn in different directions, calms my mind and heart for a bit, teaches me how to calm myself inside even during stressful times, teaches me how to let myself feel content and grateful for what I have even in the dark moments.  I have one yoga teacher who says at each class "think of what you are grateful for right now-- let yourself think of the things you are grateful for-- maybe your friends, your healthy body, being able to be here in this class right now, ... whatever it is, if you can focus on that for just a few minutes and let yourself feel a smile about those things, it will raise you up..."  They also always say, these yoga teachers, to focus on being in the "present moment"-- to take a few minutes to let the past dissolve away, let go of the future, and focus on being in the moment when you take a few quiet moments to yourself.  And, so, between my father's advice and that teacher's advice, I think they are right.  Sometimes, our perspective is all we have.

I think of that saying "...have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Some people start it off "God grant me to..."  Whatever your religion, I think there's a lot to be said for focusing on this prayer or meditation when you are overwhelmed or sad.  

You remind me a bit of a friend of mine, who has faced so much in his life, but keeps going on... he lost his mother when he was about 7, then his step mother when he was about 12 (both to illness), has had a couple of cousins die in gang violence (innocent bystanders), has a father with ongoing bad health, was diagnosed with diabetes in his late 20s, dealt with major depression and ending up almost homeless in his 20s, diagnosed with prostate cancer when he was 39 and had to have a complete prostatectomy (leaving him incontinent and impotent at an early age).  I've known him since our early 20s, and have watched him go through these different periods... and he has now come through and is still dealing with much of this but doing well, has found his life's path as a unitarian minister serving people, and is one of the sweetest, most genuine people I know.  He's accepted help in life, and he's given a lot and continues to.  I think of him, and I think that maybe some people are born on this earth with a rough road ahead, and the challenge is what they choose to do with it-- if they keep on, and figure out a way to accept and make the best of it.  And, I think those who do end up very valuable souls on this earth.  

I think maybe you're one of those very valuable souls.  It's not easy, and you carry a lot on your shoulders, but at the end of your life, you can probably say that you worked hard, you carried on despite the challenges, and you did a lot of good... raising all those kids, caring for them as you do, and providing that role in the world is a respectable one.  In a way, it's an opportunity, and you have taken it and are contributing nicely.  :-)

I think also that you deserve to give yourself some credit and rest... buy a little journal at a store, and take a few minutes, even 10 minutes a day early or late, or during lunch... and just write a journal entry, write about whatever you feel like writing.  Just be sure to end it with writing down at least one thing positive-- a nice moment from the day, an accomplishment, a sweet memory, even a quote from a book or song that gives you peace or a smile.  Just 10 minutes a day to write something down, take a minute to close your eyes and sit and take 3 deep breaths from your belly.  

You can't change the things going on around you in life, or other people's choices, or circumstances.  Acknowledge what you have done that has improved others' lives, even in little ways.  Think of what you CAN do-- You can choose to do your best, to take a few minutes out each day just for you to do something nice for yourself now and then, to think a moment each day about what you ARE grateful for.  We can work to control our own perspective and attitude-- it's very challenging sometimes, but it helps pull you up.  

I hope somehow this helps.  If nothing else, just know that someone out there who doesn't even know you, read what you took time to write, and cared enough to think about it and write back.  :-)

I hope the new year ahead blesses you with peace inside and out, better health for your loved ones, good fortune, sweet moments that linger, good times with family and friends, love, and all the good important things in life...

Take care,
K

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