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New Pain is WINNING

Jul 07, 2008 04:00PM - 1 comments

My new pain is winning. I've been  fighting depression days after I was bucked off my horse. Today my daughter had her all saddled up and I used a step stool to get on. I wanted to GO for a ride. Not just ride her around the pasture.  I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. I feel like screaming, crying,and curling up in a ball under the  blankets.
I'm supposed to be on bed rest but it is so hard to do. My husband had a long weekend and I wanted to be with him. So I went fishing in a river that runs along the redwoods. It was just beautiful. But now I pay. I rested almost all day yesterday then went outside and I couldn't help but do some yard work. In twenty minutes I undid the whole day of resting. I feel so useless and helpless sometimes.
And now I pay and pay. I must have been a very evil person in my past life to have so much pain it this one. I just pray this new pain eases up. My regular pain  I can deal with. This one is just too much.

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by SBF, Jul 09, 2008 06:13PM
Not funny, had the same thought just the other day... that I must have been very wicked indeed to be paying with this life.  I don't feel evil now though and I'm betting you don't either.  Life has some monstrous battles for some of us and daffydownlillies for others, and sometimes we have one for awhile and then the other.

I've lost the husband, the parents, the child and all the animals... hmmm must be careful not to loose the me.  I would love to help you... can you help me?  Would you please hug your horse sometime soon and wisper in her ear that (S) misses the horses most of all?  I hope you are feeling better soon, restrain the urges to do this AND that, try limiting your physical exertion to one thing today, and another tomorrow...

I walk because my legs still work, head is OK some days too, but everything in the middle is pretty much of a mess.  So some days I walk, and others I try to use my head and when I MUST do both I know I'll pay a high price.,, but I try not to agonize about it, before or during and then after I meditate, medicate and sometime cry out in failure.  The trick seems to be in getting "back on the horse" and not kicking myself for failure.  I may have been evil, but I'm determined not to go that way again.  I may have been cruel, but will never allow it again and I hope to raise this child inside me to be a better person than their parent... SBF  

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