And possibly triedd them a few times. Yummm.
I finsihed the scarlet letter, and even though that's giving in, I still feel accomplished. I am done. I feel like I have the power to take control. I can stand upon my trials and irritations and conquer them- I don't have to let them bury me alive. That probably won't last but who gives a flying duck. I make myself laugh.
I went to YAP and it was fun. I knew it would be. There was snow but I wanted to go superly. IT was windy. And poeple were there. My friends. Some of the easiest people to confide in. I often wonder if that's becasue they're easy to trust, becasue they understand things others don't, or it's beacsue I see them only in a safe enviroment, and they are no other part of my life? I am starting individual. That's it. I give in. Take me and pry me apart and let me die. I need someone to talk to.Someone to help me understand.
We were outside and it was cold and we were huddling and she kissed me. In front of Cody. Actual inches from Cody's face. And that was a good thing. I've wondered if that was ok. If it was ok that people knew, if this was a secret? Beacsue I've had secret relationships before, and I was fine with it. But it doesn't end well when I ressume life. It ***** things up, actually. And I want more for her. I hope I don't sound creepy. But I decided way longer ag othan I even had a grasp of that- if I got my way and I got her- I wouldn't mess it up.I would put the effort into it. And not set boundaries before they're needed. I would let something new grow, and try to stop being so dependent. I would try to take my claws out of Steve and not put them somewhere else. I will always have him, amnd I know that, but I smother him. I need more friends. So it doesn't matter what happens, even if this ends, even if I'm terrible or something, Shei is my best friend./ Even if I'm not hers, she's my best friend. And I'm not going to waste away this time. But she kissed me in front of him and it was all I needed to smile all day and even tomarrow. I did solid this week. Tomarrow I'm going snowboarding with my love and Friday I have the Velentine's day party and then I'm sleeping over Shei's. Saturday is vaguely open till I go shopping with Chelsey that night, Sunday I'm going boot schopping with my mom! This isn't as hard as I think it to be.
I'm trying to let go. Trying not to squeeze so hard that I break the neck of evverything that gets close to me. Instead of overanalysing, can't I just give life a trty? Not a random try, just a try. I can't letthings go?
My VCR/DVD player is not working. No DVDs at all, and VHS is fuzzy. DAmn. I'm really upset. We watched tv, and I did not get to see the button movie =[ . But we talekd alot, about our wedding, and smoking, and our kids, and prom, and girls, and everything. He's the only person I can have an honest conversation like that with. I don't end up with a bad smile on my face, nodding and inserting "yeahs" . I can talk.
i made peach soup but I think something might have gone wrong =/ I hope not. I'm not sure I'll like it.