Hey, hey, hey... like being stoned....

I'm feeling really conflicted. It's about traveling 30 minutes out and 30 back to vibe. I like vibing, I think. Sometimes it's a profound experience and other times it's just okay and I don't really feel much different except that I get tired and feel the effects of detoxing. I think I want more from it. I want so badly to be able to do and see and hear all the things that I used to. I thought I'd be too jealous to watch that Psychic Kids show on AandE, but I'm really enjoying it. And it's helping to remind me of how hard it was to function not being able to shut out the voices and the people all around me.   I feel like I'm cheating myself out of the ultimate suprise by knowing ascension is near, but I don't know that I'd have cared enough to stick around and alive had I not discovered it. I feel so abandoned by everything when I'm not in contact with my inner being. It hurts, but not, I just know I don't like it and I think it should hurt, but really I feel nothing. I feel distant, even from Sean, and like I want to break out of the roles I'm playing but I don't feel comfortable doing that when I consider that Sean may not like me....anymore...no, just then....I feel stuck in the worst way. And even though vibing helps me to balance out my emotions I think maybe I need to be crazy and emotional to be me. I cried so hard the other day. If felt so good. But now I'm feeling shut off and like I can't say what is on my mind. You know vibig doesn't make me less wary of being myself around other people. I don't even want to be around people lately. Like I need more excersize in holding mine toungue anyway, right? Well, I think DBT will be good cuz I'll at least get out of the house and be around people. I'm already getting anious about it with it still a week off now. Silly. I miss my friend, Tracee. I don't know what I bring to the relationship either and that bothers me. Life was so much less complicated when I was hopelessly depressed and suicidal. Grrr.....I keep thinking about my chart and that a doctor who evaluated me thinks I'm lying about stuff or below average intellect cuz I presented a bunch of extremely rare symptoms. He said in the report that it looked like I was telling them all these things to either get attention or becuz I researched personality disorders and was trying to make it look like i had them. That was the only time I was ever honest with those people and they didn't even buy it. Of course i didn't know that until I got my record for disability after becoming physically disabled and not getting any help cuz they all thought I was lying about it. It made me wonder about what personality dosorder I might really have that that moron passed off as BPD, cuz it's such a catch all. I did numerous tests online and then looked up criteria, only to find out that I'm schizotypal, HANDS DOWN!!! The criteria are set up like they were written for me and the observations of typical schizos was just like they were pulling stuff outta my mind and my life. Yippe, but how do I go about telling my therapist that? so frustrated right now!!