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I won't lie,

Feb 13, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

shei

,

sleepover

,

donuts

,

Alicia B

,

drugs

,

after graduation

,

chefs

,

Lori C

,

nick h

,

no recognision

,

something missing

,

empty eyes

,

nail place

,

manicure

,

purple

,

idiot

,

needy

,

clingy

,

kristina breaks

,

filler

,

peanut buttter banana sandwich

,

twin outfit

,

tank top

,

sweart shirt

,

slimming down

,

boob size

,

Clothing

,

losing

,

valentine's

,

Valentine's Day

,

mom

,

dada

,

steve

,

lindt chocolate

,

high school

,

another girl

,

put together

,

Pride

,

recognition

,

Harry Potter 2

,

paper

,

popcorn

,

dehydrated

,

accidents

,

shadow of a girl

,

brunch

,

Holiday

,

family



I'm tired and it's too late. So I'm summing a little.

I slept over Shei's last night- see previous entry.
We went and got donuts, and I saw a girl I used to know. A bright girl, a funnny girl, a cute girl, a slightly lost but under controol girl, a smart girl, a cute voiced girl, a girl with dreams. But then  it wasn't her. I saw a really confused girl, a sad girl, a shadow of a girl. She was still young and fairly pretty , she was still Alicia.  Somehwere. But her mouth hung open, and she couldn't seem to remember orders after a few seconds. Everything looked like it was a challenge to her and she looked straight through me. Well, at me. but she didn't know me. The Alicia I knew would have known me.  I was a freshman and she was a junior- but we had chef's.And  our group was very close. With Lori and Nick.  I admired her then.  But this girl didn't looked like she would recognise her own mother standing at the counter. There was something missing in her eyes.  Something important. And it made me sad.  

We went to a nail place and  she got hers filled and i fot mine manicured. My first ever manicure. I ****** it up. She seemed tired of me  by now. It's because I'm too childish, I believe. I am too needy and clingy  and always looked for approval. It's tiring, I know, so I tried not to look at her.  It made sense.   My nails are purple and very prety. And not even chippuing yet.  She dropped me off at home, and I said goodbye. And I think I won't talk to her for a few days, probably.  I'm too much. Maybe I'm just a filler. Because everything is up in the air with her right now. So I'm a filler , and that's too good for me.  But like I said, I'm sticking around, so filler I am.  But I won't get too intrusive, I won't get too much me.  I won't do anything. I'm upset.

I ate asandwich and went to the mall with Chels. And we shopped for twin outfits. So much fun. We tried ona million things and considered so much. I  wanted a dress cause it was cheeper than a whole outfit, but we got tank tops and sweatshirts. I like them both, I will wear them again. So that's good. It was me, her, and her sister. Who I'm not overly fond of, but it didn't matter. Again I felt like the ugly one out. My only pride was the fact that I was the same size as Chelsey. Though it seems me and her will never be equal. I will always be envious. Because she's always been small and flat chested. I got big and my boobs were too big too young. And then she started growing up pretty. And I got..chunky and angry. She had small boobs and a small figure. And I was determined to slim down. I finally slim down and my boobs have shrunk significantly and now shirts are too loose on my chest- so of course her boobs have blown up like balloons and she can't zipper dresses and shirts. I c an't win. I just can't. I also got chocolate, and I made valentine's out of paper. They are red hearts, with a smaller colored heart in the middle, and smaller rd hearts in it. And I'll put a messsage on them. Nothing fancy =/ I'm not in the mood to put myself out there.  One for mom, one for dad, and one for Steve. Just because I love them. I got lindt chocolate too. It was half off- I was just going to get a few for each, but the bag was calling me. I havea al ot of chocolate.

I forgot to mention I saw another girl who graduated- in Wet Seal. And I knew here, I had a class with her, and she looked at me funny. I was wild then, with blue hair.  She always just looked at me funny. She looked like someone I'd want to be freind swith though. And she was at work, working, dressed nice, looking put together. It's not my place or anything- but Iwas almost proud to see her that way, after the things I used to hear. She saw me and chelsey and looked twice. I looked again and caught her looking again. She knew who we were. And that felt like victory, to me. Good.

I feel like a shadow. I alawys had moments where I would be having so muich fun and just suddenly lose the groove. And not be able to get back into it. And then leave so I didn't ruin anyone elses's fun. But I realized, when was the last time I laughed like I was dying? When was the last time I got carried away in  a conversation/ When was the lasttime I didn't want a night to end?  I am a shadow of the girl I used to be. I was screwed up then, but now I'm just downright wrong.  I'm not fun, and that's why I don't have friends.  Or maybe I'm not fun beacsue I don't have friends.  Who knows.  

I watched Harry Potter. And cut a lot of paper. Ate popcorn and drank too much water. I will probably have an accident tonight but I'm just too dehhydrated not too. It *****. Ugh.

I'm going to breakfast tomrrow and stuff. In the morning, my famil yand Steve. I'll spend the day with him =] Feels like I haven't seen him in days.

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