Aw, Mom!
Jul 09, 2008 12:33PM
- 58 comments
I suppose this was inevitable. About 10 last night I got a call from the nursing home to advise that my 92 year-old mother had fallen. Spent a marathon night with her in ER, sure enough she fractured her hip. The ER thing took on such a nightmarish quality - she has dementia and became very combative when they tried to draw labs and do x-rays and such. She tried to bite the doctor when he examined her!!! So hard to see her this way - my very proper, ladylike mother (who considered "shut-up" to be a swear word) - the dementia has stripped away any remaining sense of decorum.
After they put her on a morphine drip and she was resting comfortably, I came home around 5:30 am and caught a few hours sleep. Now I have to jump back into it.
The word is this can go two ways - we can decline surgery and Mom never walks again and is in constant pain (which must be managed with drugs). Otherwise the surgery to repair the fracture is very risky and there's a good chance she will not survive the procedure or its aftermath. What to do, what to do? I can't see declining surgery just to prolong her life if she will be immobilized and in constant pain (or drugged) and thereby have such poor quality of life. On the other hand, we all have to die of something and if we roll the dice and she has the procedure and for any reason doesn't make it, at least she goes out fighting.
I think I'm gonna have to vote for surgery, even with its risks. I can't see condemning her to a bedridden life of pain. She could last that way for years, potentially, but what's the point? She tells me, in her lucid moments, that she doesn't want to live any more.
HATING THIS!!!
After they put her on a morphine drip and she was resting comfortably, I came home around 5:30 am and caught a few hours sleep. Now I have to jump back into it.
The word is this can go two ways - we can decline surgery and Mom never walks again and is in constant pain (which must be managed with drugs). Otherwise the surgery to repair the fracture is very risky and there's a good chance she will not survive the procedure or its aftermath. What to do, what to do? I can't see declining surgery just to prolong her life if she will be immobilized and in constant pain (or drugged) and thereby have such poor quality of life. On the other hand, we all have to die of something and if we roll the dice and she has the procedure and for any reason doesn't make it, at least she goes out fighting.
I think I'm gonna have to vote for surgery, even with its risks. I can't see condemning her to a bedridden life of pain. She could last that way for years, potentially, but what's the point? She tells me, in her lucid moments, that she doesn't want to live any more.
HATING THIS!!!
So sorry you have to go through this! I will keep your mom in my prayers! Whatever decision you make will be the right thing! I know its hard to see your loved ones in pain. Try and keep yourself healthy during all of this too!
Thinking of you and sending only best wishes!
Rita
Thinking of you and sending only best wishes!
Rita
I watched my Nana go that way...it was very hard...I know what you must feel. I would have to agree with you. Do the surgery. Bedridden and in pain is no way to spend years of your life, her quality of life is more important than the longevity at this point.
I'm so hip to your struggle...My poor Grandma has rapidly advancing Alzheimer's and has become a lost, depressed, often verbally abusive person who wants off this planet in a bad way ...In the last 3 weeks she's been hospitalized 3 times...Once with double pulmonary embolisms, another with a moderate stroke, and this last time we're still not sure...and she'd be mortified if she was aware of how she's become...and we've had to make treatment decisions based on "quality vs. quantity" of life...I think you're right about the surgery...What little quality of life she has would be taken away if chronic pain were added to that...It falls under "comfort care" at this point...To some it may seem pointless, but, if she survives for several more months or a year or two, she'll have to endure daily rolling for cleaning and bed sore prevention, and it is unlikely the hip will heal together without surgical intervention...(((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))) Hang in there.... I know how exhausting this is... ~Melinda
JD—
Your story is heartbreaking. Based on what you’ve mentioned, I’d opt for surgery. I call my mother twice a week for a total of three hrs/week, and have noticed a significant decline in cognitive function over the last year or so; I’m resigned to the fact she is going downhill, and she’s only 76 years old.
This is the flip side to medical miracles and extended life spans; we are all going to have to face the fact that while many of us can now expect to life well into our 90’s, and maybe turn the century mark, the quality of life can’t keep up with the quantity. This opens up a whole new philosophical picture that our society needs to address.
From a logical viewpoint, surgery is the only solution, in my mind. Emotionally, it might be hard to deal with.
As the mother of an attorney, she has probably already filed an Advance Health Care Directive; if not, it should be considered, obviously.
My heart goes out to you; not only for your own personal misfortune, but the fact that we ALL have to face these decisions as well.
Take good care; I’ll be thinking of you both—
Bill
Your story is heartbreaking. Based on what you’ve mentioned, I’d opt for surgery. I call my mother twice a week for a total of three hrs/week, and have noticed a significant decline in cognitive function over the last year or so; I’m resigned to the fact she is going downhill, and she’s only 76 years old.
This is the flip side to medical miracles and extended life spans; we are all going to have to face the fact that while many of us can now expect to life well into our 90’s, and maybe turn the century mark, the quality of life can’t keep up with the quantity. This opens up a whole new philosophical picture that our society needs to address.
From a logical viewpoint, surgery is the only solution, in my mind. Emotionally, it might be hard to deal with.
As the mother of an attorney, she has probably already filed an Advance Health Care Directive; if not, it should be considered, obviously.
My heart goes out to you; not only for your own personal misfortune, but the fact that we ALL have to face these decisions as well.
Take good care; I’ll be thinking of you both—
Bill
After some serious consideration I have consented to the surgery. Unless her cardiac stress test turns up something to delay it, they will operate tomorrow afternoon. I feel this is the proper course - whatever comes, we have to do everything possible.
JD....I would do the same. I feel you have to do what you can.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Elaine
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Elaine
JD-ditto....I'll be thinking of you and your Mom...Think of it this way...If she were able to, what would she choose? I know my Grandma would choose the surgery, despite the risk...she might even say,"God willing, he takes me while I'm under..." (((((((((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))) ~Melinda
I feel bad for the choices you have to make. Are you an only child? The burden is greater when you're the only one making the decisions, but as a daughter with 4 other siblings involved in my Dad's care, I sometimes wish I was an only child!:)
I work in long term care and see patients for physical therapy who have had hips repaired. It sounds as if the drs are being candid re the risk involved in surgery, and post surgery is difficult too. You've done the most humane thing you can do under the circumstances. Just move forward and don't try to second guess your decision.
Good Luck,
Bug
I work in long term care and see patients for physical therapy who have had hips repaired. It sounds as if the drs are being candid re the risk involved in surgery, and post surgery is difficult too. You've done the most humane thing you can do under the circumstances. Just move forward and don't try to second guess your decision.
Good Luck,
Bug
I am sorry to hear this. What a tough thing to have to go through. I am sure you have done the right thing. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hope for the best outcome.
Brent
Brent
I just now saw this. I would have chosen the same path. I am so sorry about all of this. Mike
My sincere best wishes to you and your mother, JD--
Bill
Bill
What a beautiful picture of your mom. Oh I hate to hear these stories of our wonderful parents. Im sorry she has to go thru this. I wish her well and hope you both get thru this difficult time.
Prayers are with you and your mom
Love
Charm
Prayers are with you and your mom
Love
Charm
A very tough but very wise decision, jd. My heart goes out to you. Thinking of you and your mom as you go through this.
Trish
Trish
I would agree with the rest and without hesitation. I would never want my Mom's existance be a painful and drugged up one. Even though she is not the person you once knew I'm sure she enjoys Some parts of her life and maybe has a lucid moment or two. If she were to remain in pain and medicated what kind of existance is that? I firmly believe there are worse conditions than death. What will be will be. I hope all goes well and you take good care of yourself too. My thoughts and prayers to you and yours. Ellen
PS, She looks like my Great Aunt whom we fondly called Aunt Bluebell who was the sweetest and sometimes most childish and fun person. REgards, Ellen
Thanks to all for the kind words and support. Mom had the surgery yesterday afternoon, so far so good. We're hoping for an uneventful recovery. She will have a difficult rehab ahead of her but then again she's made of some pretty sturdy stuff. Hope I inherited that!
Jd,
I have you and your family in my prayers, stay strong! Hoping Mom's recovery goes smoothly.
Take care of you too!
peace
rita
I have you and your family in my prayers, stay strong! Hoping Mom's recovery goes smoothly.
Take care of you too!
peace
rita
JD, I too am happy all went well so far. I ditto what Rita said. With thoughts of wellness to you and your Mom. Ellen
JD...Such great news! Prayers work!
Thanks all. Isn't she cute? I hope I look like that at 92.
jd
jd
she is Beautiful!
JD, glad to hear the surgery went well.! now the rehab..she will do great !!!
Yes, !! she is lovely !!!
Sending hugs and continued prayers your way
Elaine
Yes, !! she is lovely !!!
Sending hugs and continued prayers your way
Elaine
The word today is that Mom needs a transfusion - her hgb is 7.8. No wonder she fell! Until they get that under control they can't get her up for any rehab.
JD--
Im sorry to hear this now but relieved the surgery was a success.
Prayers are with you and mom always.
Im sorry to hear this now but relieved the surgery was a success.
Prayers are with you and mom always.
Transfusion should get her up and "running" again. I'm glad the surgery went well. A "step" at a time, eh? Puns absolutely not intended! Good luck to your mom and wishes for a speedy recovery. Hang in there, daughter...almost done tx yourself!
Take care.
Trish
Take care.
Trish
JD...I wish you're Mother all the best. Like Trish said , they will take care of
her and she will feel a lot better !!
Hugs
Elaine
her and she will feel a lot better !!
Hugs
Elaine
Just came from hospital. They can't discharge her. The orthopod is happy with the outcome of surgery but even after a few units of blood and lots of IV fluids she's still anemic and dehydrated. Her skin is beginning to break down from being bedridden. I'm hoping they can get her stable and out of there as soon as possible but not too sure when that will be.
Sending hugs and prayers JD., you must be exhausted, hang in there
Elaine
Elaine
Good news at last - they tell me they will discharge Mom this afternoon! Now we begin the rehab. She was walking (with a walker) before this fall. Am I crazy to hope she can ever do that again? It will take a huge effort from all concerned, and she has to really want it. Time will tell, I suppose.
Thanks to all for your good wishes and prayers.
Thanks to all for your good wishes and prayers.
Good news thats she is being discharged! No you are not crazy, without hope, prayers and sometimes tiny miracles things do go our way! Stay positive...Prayers to you and your family!
And yes she is So Cute i would love to look like her at 92!!!
peace
rita
And yes she is So Cute i would love to look like her at 92!!!
peace
rita
Hi honey:
I do not envy you ! I would hate to be in your place! But I will tell you what, I will be praying for you, your mom & the whole family. I wish you peace in this trying time.
God Bless,
D
I do not envy you ! I would hate to be in your place! But I will tell you what, I will be praying for you, your mom & the whole family. I wish you peace in this trying time.
God Bless,
D
Heya JD!
Pretty crazy, huh? I've seen post-surgical "hipsters" run laps within two days! (Okay, maybe not RUN, -but you get the picture!) The sooner they are active, the less likely they are to get blood clots or pneumonia from being bed-bound...This is good news for her! (So much better than laying in bed in pain with a broken hip, huh?) She IS simply adorable!) Hang in there... -Remember to take care of yourself too...((((((((HUGZ)))))))))))) ~Melinda
Pretty crazy, huh? I've seen post-surgical "hipsters" run laps within two days! (Okay, maybe not RUN, -but you get the picture!) The sooner they are active, the less likely they are to get blood clots or pneumonia from being bed-bound...This is good news for her! (So much better than laying in bed in pain with a broken hip, huh?) She IS simply adorable!) Hang in there... -Remember to take care of yourself too...((((((((HUGZ)))))))))))) ~Melinda
I just now saw this journal, I am so sorry, I know we have spoken privately but sighs.
She is adorable! ya know I love you and you yours are in my prayers always!
I can tell you they said the same about me and my mom, we both proved em wrong!
She is adorable! ya know I love you and you yours are in my prayers always!
I can tell you they said the same about me and my mom, we both proved em wrong!
jd
I just saw this journal! I'm so sorry you and your mother are going thru this rough time ~ and you being on tx! you are a strong woman like your mom! I'm so glad she's doing bette
I just saw this journal! I'm so sorry you and your mother are going thru this rough time ~ and you being on tx! you are a strong woman like your mom! I'm so glad she's doing bette
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