I am 102 pounds light. And I don't know what that means. I know my pants don't fit and my shirts are loose and there's that gap between my legs I thought was a myth. But IO don't know how Ifeel. How do I feel? How do I feel? Does it matter? I can look at food all day and it's just like a rock. I have no desire to eat, or not to eatit. Maybe if I never saw food again I wouldn't veen realize. I would like to eat some, but then again, if I didn't, maybe it wouldn't change anything? ( I should mention It hink it's the medicine that's trying to kill me) And since I've spent a lot of time recently staring into fridges and closets and cabinets trying to decide, trying to find ANYTHing I FEEL like eating, I have given up. You may put it in front of it, and if I do generally enjoy it, I will eat it. It's for nourishment. Because I know I need nourishment, of course. Especially since I have been a bit off today.
I woke up shivering! Yes, shivering. was I cold? Not particularly. Was I scared? Nope. Was I hungry? Nah. I went back to sleep. My nose has been running all day. And I don't mean, oh well it's kindof annoying, I mean a constant leak has sprouted in my head. I can breahte, but it's risky becasue when I exhale there's a large chance a stream will leave me and roll down over my mouth,. I've gone through more tissues than any sane person should, and my nose burns like hell! My ears are clogged and my taste buds are dulled and my head has been pounding (till Ipopped a fwe motrin) , and i feel GREAT! Amazing. Not sick, I have all the energy I normally would. Am I sick? Probably. But I am still alive. I was to sing and I could be sleeping, I'm pretty sleepy, but why would I? No, I'm lying, I'll go to bed after this. I just mean I feel good. I feel so alive and real and I know you're probably already sick of hearing it. But I want the world to be louderbecause the quiet hurts more than the noise ever could. I just neeed to look out the windows and if you want to know, well, if you wat to think you understand, listen to Everything Is Alright- Motion City Soundtrack. It's spot on. It's me, today. It's me, and how I feel so great. And I'll be hearing it, people wanted to hear that I'm alright, and I am. I'm so angry, but it's great. It's great casue I feel good. Who's happiness is more important?
t's a hopeless case. If I am happy, then the world an not be. for the world to be happy with me, I must suppressed and sedated. I must be smaller and held back and content. Butthat's not living. That's surviving. I want to thrive, I want to sing and feeel the need to dance! I want to feel stronger and more brilliant! I want to have somthing to say and know how to say it! I want the whole world and I want it all now.
I woke up at noon and was like lalaladidadada. I do that alot recently. I wtched murder cases and ate cereal becasue I knew I should. With my dad. And then I did somet more nothing because I felt like it. And I discovered my parents were going to dinner but Steve was with Jordan and lahblah blah I'm not worth the weekends. So whatever, I'm not mad. I decide I'm going to dinner, even if I'm not invited. And they let me. I bring Alex and we're wandering the city, in and out of stores. And I bought a book at Newbury comics and a new belly button ring. Wow! IT was dark and a little cold out, but I wasn't alone and even though the streetlights weren't on, I knew I was ok. We ate dessert with my parents and Dave and Sara. I ate this huge piece of cake, and it was so delicious. We talked a lot and I was very happy. I love dinnre with my family. It's interesting. We drove home and my muisic was loud and I could feel it in my chest and the lights of the citywere so pretty0 just like the sillouete of the trees against the blue dark sky. My town is so quiet at midnight.
I looked up so many deep sea fish, and they terrify me. Fish terrify me. Even when they're so little, that I can't see them, that they're in a place we've never been and I would never go, well they're something we've never known and scry. I have nightmares about whales. Eels twice the length of my house? I might cry thinking about it,.
By tomarrow I'll probably wake up with a sinus infection to kill a horse, but it's ok. I know it's going to be ok.