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Cutting

Feb 22, 2010 - 2 comments
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cutting

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Addiction



I can't understand why anyone would purposely cut themselves, I have never understood why anyone would take drugs and ruin their lives, and I have always looked at people with addiction as sad and confused.  I have always felt sorry for people like that.  I have a family member that I wouldn't speak to for years due to their addiction to herion.  And yet I find myself one of them.  Not that I do herion, or any other street drug.  Nope not me, I have always justified my drugs as over the counter or prescription.  I sit alone in the bathroom and put cold metal into my skin and push it in and pull down until I see red blood trickle down, my leg or my tummy or wherever I have cut.  I find pieces of glass on the ground, take them home and wash them and slash at my body with it, until I feel embarassed by what I have done and then I sit and cry.  I sometimes try to bandaid it to cover it so nobody can see it.  I go into my medicine cupboard and pull out my T3's or oxy's or whatever and take 3-5 times the recommended dosage, plus a few of other kinds.  I am a mother, and I love my kids so much, but feel like I am not good enough for them.  I have always felt like I am not good enough.  My family has always let me know how much better then me they are, and how unwanted I was.  My ex always told me he settled and he was better then me.  His family always let me know how they felt about me.  I was abused as a kid, and when my father was told, he asked me why I lied and who the hell would believe that someone would want to rape me, when they could get someone much better.  He asked who the hell I thought I was that people wanted me so bad that they did that.  He then told people I was a **** obviously and used rape as an excuse for being a ****.
I was always empty in the self esteem pool, and can't ever remember feeling enough.  I am now an adult and have worked my way up, or so I thought I fought everyday to not hurt myself, I fought everyday to be healthy and I made sure I didn't get out of control, and somehow, I let go.  I have been taking pills again for a little more then 4 years, and I have been cutting myself for about a month.  Don't get me wrong, I did hurt myself, and even cut myself (I mean I may as well be honest about it, nobody on here knows me) all along, I even hit myself, with whatever.  I have given myself fat lips and black eyes and just made up a reason for it if someone noticed.  I feel ugly, and I feel unworthy of living and can't understand why some people even want to know me.  I don't understand why my kids look at me with love in their eyes.  I really don't know what to do with my thoughts and feelings.  I can't seem to talk to anyone about it, because I feel like I have kept up a great charade of how together I am about life, and can't have that ruined.  
I tried to talk to someone, and sat and talked about everything else.  I came home and cried.  
I am such a loser and seem to have no self control left.  I am careful not to cut to deep.but sometimes I am not careful not to take too many pills, I have taken 20-30 tylenols or t3's and still wake up in the morning.  I am not unhappy that I woke up, but sometimes I am surprised.  I took a lot of pills when I was younger and almost died but was rushed to the hospital and I do not remember the hospital time but was in intensive care for about a week from what I am told.  I remember waking up in the hospital and being upset that I woke up,  
I am at a loss right now about who I am and what the hell is wrong with me.

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by ChitChatNine, Feb 23, 2010
Hi,

Please know we are here for you.  We don't judge ... always feel free to post a question, write a journal, post a photo .. the best part about the Internet is that somebody is always there for you ... there are millions of us out there all hours of the day and night.  So just remember one very important thing .. you are NEVER alone.

C~

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by sadmomma4, Feb 27, 2010
Hi ChitChatNine,


Thank you very much it means a lot to have someone say that.  I always feel alone.  

Sadmomma4

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