Feb 22, 2010
I can't understand why anyone would purposely cut themselves, I have never understood why anyone would take drugs and ruin their lives, and I have always looked at people with addiction as sad and confused. I have always felt sorry for people like that. I have a family member that I wouldn't speak to for years due to their addiction to herion. And yet I find myself one of them. Not that I do herion, or any other street drug. Nope not me, I have always justified my drugs as over the counter or prescription. I sit alone in the bathroom and put cold metal into my skin and push it in and pull down until I see red blood trickle down, my leg or my tummy or wherever I have cut. I find pieces of glass on the ground, take them home and wash them and slash at my body with it, until I feel embarassed by what I have done and then I sit and cry. I sometimes try to bandaid it to cover it so nobody can see it. I go into my medicine cupboard and pull out my T3's or oxy's or whatever and take 3-5 times the recommended dosage, plus a few of other kinds. I am a mother, and I love my kids so much, but feel like I am not good enough for them. I have always felt like I am not good enough. My family has always let me know how much better then me they are, and how unwanted I was. My ex always told me he settled and he was better then me. His family always let me know how they felt about me. I was abused as a kid, and when my father was told, he asked me why I lied and who the hell would believe that someone would want to rape me, when they could get someone much better. He asked who the hell I thought I was that people wanted me so bad that they did that. He then told people I was a **** obviously and used rape as an excuse for being a ****.
I was always empty in the self esteem pool, and can't ever remember feeling enough. I am now an adult and have worked my way up, or so I thought I fought everyday to not hurt myself, I fought everyday to be healthy and I made sure I didn't get out of control, and somehow, I let go. I have been taking pills again for a little more then 4 years, and I have been cutting myself for about a month. Don't get me wrong, I did hurt myself, and even cut myself (I mean I may as well be honest about it, nobody on here knows me) all along, I even hit myself, with whatever. I have given myself fat lips and black eyes and just made up a reason for it if someone noticed. I feel ugly, and I feel unworthy of living and can't understand why some people even want to know me. I don't understand why my kids look at me with love in their eyes. I really don't know what to do with my thoughts and feelings. I can't seem to talk to anyone about it, because I feel like I have kept up a great charade of how together I am about life, and can't have that ruined.
I tried to talk to someone, and sat and talked about everything else. I came home and cried.
I am such a loser and seem to have no self control left. I am careful not to cut to deep.but sometimes I am not careful not to take too many pills, I have taken 20-30 tylenols or t3's and still wake up in the morning. I am not unhappy that I woke up, but sometimes I am surprised. I took a lot of pills when I was younger and almost died but was rushed to the hospital and I do not remember the hospital time but was in intensive care for about a week from what I am told. I remember waking up in the hospital and being upset that I woke up,
I am at a loss right now about who I am and what the hell is wrong with me.