First Shot

So, I was about to start June 11th.  Put it off because of work until June 25th, then another week because I had to stay at work a bit longer to tidy up (getting 3 months leave without pay was a miracle in itself).  Then July 5th came and I woke up and couldn't stop crying.  It was D-day and I wasn't ready; had read horrible posts, wasn't allowed to have 1 week meds, wasn't allowed to have 4 week PCR, wasn't allowed to have an extension of more than 24 weeks and, being a non-responder 3A in 1994, and armed with all the 'not allowed's, I really wondered whether this was worth it at all.  I felt like selling my house and flying into the blue yonder where choices were able to be made and support given.  So, I thanked my cousin for her soup and took her out and laughed and laughed and laughed and put it off again.  I had cleaned up hidden crevices in my house and made everthing nice, and I wanted to enjoy it before I felt sick, so I did.  I lay around and read a WHOLE book, and ignored the world.  
After speaking to a few more people, speaking with my nurse (I'm allowed the 1 week bloods now :-), and seeing my GP, and getting input from Lorenzo and other posts on this site, I managed to do the deed last night.  I ate extra, drank extra water and poweraide, put the electric blanket on, left a heater on low in my room, had the paracetamol ready (took one at 1.00pm when I went to sleep), and had the best sleep I've had for weeks.  Woke today expecting something, and hey, nothing;  a little tired.mmmmm  maybe tomorrow, maybe not.  I just feel really really proud of myself even doing this, having become the natural health junkie that I have been in the past few years.  On my journey - I am doing this, I am winning, I am prepared, I am woman warrior again (and I haven't been for some little while) strategically plotting my lifepath.  In the book I just read the main character said of his daughter who'd had a difficult child-birth "she even walked the valley of death with no fear".....  and we all do it every day.  I think it's amazing that I'm part of a jigsaw puzzle that no other human has tried to unravel i.e.  I did get every test under the sun when planning my baby - the year before HVC tests were brought out;  I did try mono-therapy, swearing I would give myself to medical science just once but never again, and now I'm not treatment 'naieve' and doing it again.  I really think this voyage is one of trust for me.  Trusting myself and trusting others without giving over any self-resposibilities and just, just loving myself.  I'm on a journey into the unknown without even leaving my house; it's so scarey but already I've met some wonderful people and learnt so much.  AND I did it! I did it! I did it! I was soooooooooo scared and I did it.