Excuse me, has anyone seen my confidence?
Jul 10, 2008 09:15AM
- 0 comments
Well, what can I say? The last seven months, which is approximately how long it's been since I first went to the doctor about this, have ben long and unpredictable. The last 3.5ish months have been particularly difficult, as I have been symptomatic straight through that time.
Around when my episode bagan, I was saddened to learn that the marriage of a close friend was hitting some hard times, and possibly ending. We went through school together, and now live a couple hours apart. Oddly enough, between my being sick and his relationship woes, we ended up going down a lot of the same emotional paths. We both quit drinking (we used to go to the bar together, and we're both surprised to learn the other had put down the bottle!), and started to diet and exercise better, for we knew that our bodies needed all of the extra support we could provide. We both felt so awful that it was difficult, and sometimes impossible, to function normally. Determined, we'd both go to work as much as we could, even if it only meant that we were going through the motions. We both worried a lot about letting down our co-workers and advisors. We both knew what it felt like to not be able to get something off of your mind, and we both blamed ourselves for our respective situations.
I got a call from my fried a couple nights ago. I answered the phone to the loud and gleeful proclomation: "I'm BACK, baby!" He went on to explain how he's realized that his confidence defines him, and no wonder he was unable to function properly when it was so damaged and in hiding. Granted, we both have plenty of experience with people smacking us around and making us feel like idiots (I think that is a standard part of training in our field), but in the end, we've both always known that we've got something special in us. For him, I think he needed time to emotionally accept and progress with the ending of his marriage, and though he hit some lows, I know he'll be fine.
The day he called with this great news, I had a mixed-bag reaction to news that my brain MRI is unchaged since Feb. Of course that is great news, but it adds more stress that whatever is affecting me will continue to go unidentified, and that makes accepting my present and planning for the future very challenging. I am going for an LP next week, but I just don't think the answers are going to be there.
So, I feel like it is my turn. I don't care if I feel lousy everyday, I don't care if I can't name what is doing this to me, I don't care if it means I can't drink and make merry like I did before, I don't care if my doctors roll their eyes when I enter the office. All I want is to find myself again. Give me back my confidence and I know I can take on all of this. And if it's not to be given back, then I need to start a new mission to rebuild it. I am sick of looking back on the last several months and thinking it is someone else's life, I need to start living for myself again.
My great friend shared the ride with me through graduate school. We were both extremely determined, though considered "underdogs" in our ivy league department, which is dominated by international students with stronger backgrounds than we, as Western-educated students from small schools, have. We were both told at one time or another that we were not good enough, and NOT in a friednly way, by our advisors. When one of us would start to crack, we were there for eachother, ready to give a little support and a big kick in the pants. It took a lot of nights without sleep, it took spending weekends and holidays in lab, and it took constantly losing and rebuilding the confidence so important to the core of us both.
Rembering those times now makes me see just how affected I am by my illness. I don't know how I got to where I am, feeling like a bumbling moron, incapable of making meaningful contributions, but I don't want to stay here. I may be beyond catching up, I may need to accept that some time and opportunities have been lost. But I cannot lose ME.
About 5 weeks from now, there is a national conference in the city where I did my grad work. I'm scheduled to give a talk, and will be seeing a lot of my peers and collaborators. The week after, I'm going to CA to present at a smaller meeting with colloborators in my field. I am determined to go in with my head held high.
So, excuse me, but I need to go find my confidence!
Around when my episode bagan, I was saddened to learn that the marriage of a close friend was hitting some hard times, and possibly ending. We went through school together, and now live a couple hours apart. Oddly enough, between my being sick and his relationship woes, we ended up going down a lot of the same emotional paths. We both quit drinking (we used to go to the bar together, and we're both surprised to learn the other had put down the bottle!), and started to diet and exercise better, for we knew that our bodies needed all of the extra support we could provide. We both felt so awful that it was difficult, and sometimes impossible, to function normally. Determined, we'd both go to work as much as we could, even if it only meant that we were going through the motions. We both worried a lot about letting down our co-workers and advisors. We both knew what it felt like to not be able to get something off of your mind, and we both blamed ourselves for our respective situations.
I got a call from my fried a couple nights ago. I answered the phone to the loud and gleeful proclomation: "I'm BACK, baby!" He went on to explain how he's realized that his confidence defines him, and no wonder he was unable to function properly when it was so damaged and in hiding. Granted, we both have plenty of experience with people smacking us around and making us feel like idiots (I think that is a standard part of training in our field), but in the end, we've both always known that we've got something special in us. For him, I think he needed time to emotionally accept and progress with the ending of his marriage, and though he hit some lows, I know he'll be fine.
The day he called with this great news, I had a mixed-bag reaction to news that my brain MRI is unchaged since Feb. Of course that is great news, but it adds more stress that whatever is affecting me will continue to go unidentified, and that makes accepting my present and planning for the future very challenging. I am going for an LP next week, but I just don't think the answers are going to be there.
So, I feel like it is my turn. I don't care if I feel lousy everyday, I don't care if I can't name what is doing this to me, I don't care if it means I can't drink and make merry like I did before, I don't care if my doctors roll their eyes when I enter the office. All I want is to find myself again. Give me back my confidence and I know I can take on all of this. And if it's not to be given back, then I need to start a new mission to rebuild it. I am sick of looking back on the last several months and thinking it is someone else's life, I need to start living for myself again.
My great friend shared the ride with me through graduate school. We were both extremely determined, though considered "underdogs" in our ivy league department, which is dominated by international students with stronger backgrounds than we, as Western-educated students from small schools, have. We were both told at one time or another that we were not good enough, and NOT in a friednly way, by our advisors. When one of us would start to crack, we were there for eachother, ready to give a little support and a big kick in the pants. It took a lot of nights without sleep, it took spending weekends and holidays in lab, and it took constantly losing and rebuilding the confidence so important to the core of us both.
Rembering those times now makes me see just how affected I am by my illness. I don't know how I got to where I am, feeling like a bumbling moron, incapable of making meaningful contributions, but I don't want to stay here. I may be beyond catching up, I may need to accept that some time and opportunities have been lost. But I cannot lose ME.
About 5 weeks from now, there is a national conference in the city where I did my grad work. I'm scheduled to give a talk, and will be seeing a lot of my peers and collaborators. The week after, I'm going to CA to present at a smaller meeting with colloborators in my field. I am determined to go in with my head held high.
So, excuse me, but I need to go find my confidence!