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Searching for help :S

Jul 10, 2008 09:58AM - 10 comments

Hi everyone,
I'm a nursing student almost done my degree and have learned so much about drug abuse. The only thing I dont understand is why do people get caught up in it? My boyfriend and I have a similar background, grew up in the same town, are the same age... but he is a drug abuser. He smokes pot on a regular basis, even use to sell it :S. When we started seeing each other I noticed a few little details here and there about snorting - cocaine, percs, oxy's - but never really thought deeply about it until  a year ago. We've been together for 2 years and are expecting a baby now. I really hope this changes his life around. Bad thing is about the whole situation - he lies endlessly about his abuse. I say he's addicted but he gets upset and says he hasn't touched anything for "3 weeks" or "a long time". Then when I catch him I feel like he does it all along. I find snorting papers all around the house, ripped corners of papers in my magazines.

His biggest issue is his money problem. People are telling me about how much he owes them... he even owes me a lot too. He's stolen my credit card every day for about a month before I realized. I was looking at my online account and found close to $700 missing! I had to phone in and track all of the withdrawals, and there was about $40 taken out almost every day. That really broke my heart. Over the holidays when I went back home to be with him I noticed a lot of weird things happening, like he would take off and not come back for a while. On Christmas DAY, after he recieved a really beautiful necklace from me (and didnt have anything for me) he left, saying he was going to offer his dad a gift (who lives in another home) without letting me go, even after I insisted. When he got back, he brought me the little gift from avon I had him order (because he didnt know what to get for me). I had a feeling he didnt even have it and went to go get it then. That night, after I got back from seeing my family, he gave me a PS3, which is something I was hoping to have. It had other peoples names/accounts under the saved data, so I knew RIGHT AWAY that it wasnt legit. I thought that maybe he bought it at a hock shop or something. Later that night exfriends of mine called to ask for  a PS3 that he took off them. I gave it back as quick as  I can because the thought and sight of my loved one giving me a stolen item was awful. It broke my heart and his moms, because she was there with me to give it back. When he got home, he FLIPPED!! saying that the couple owed him the PS3...ugghhh that hurt so much. In the end all I really got for Xmas was the avon stuff I had him order.

Since then, I've been dealing with people telling me this and that - He owes this he snorts that... Im getting sick of it but we are going to have a family by next year and I really want things to change. Even if it means that I leave him to realize he's going to be missing out on two things that mean most to him - me and his baby. He just got an apartment for us yesterday - Im still in school and will be for the next 3 weeks. He keeps trying to get me excited about our new life but I cry almost every day because things arent the way I dreamed they would. I know most of the time he exxagerates to get me happy, or he cuts the truth to make himself sound better. He hides a lot of stuff from me... from doing pills to who he hangs out with to how much money he gets :S... Im sick and tired of it.

Im pregnant and I dont want the baby feeling anything that Im feeling... I think that I cry so much that the baby is going to come out a colicy baby, or have issues around what's going on in my life right now.

Im searching for support and help... if you or anyone you know had gotten through a similar situation successfully, please tell them that I need the help. I feel that if I dont do what is best,  Im going to be living the rest of my life with a partner that lies endlessly and does drugs behind my back. Im scared it will get worse and worse, and our children will have to witness what's going on :S. Im scared that when he has the baby and I'm away, he'll be exposing the baby to drug users, drug abuse and very very risky situations. Im scared of what is yet to come in our lives....



Comments
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by toomuch51, Jul 10, 2008 10:21AM
You're very young to have to do what I'm going to suggest, but you also sound like a strong woman. You need to do this for yourself, but more importantly, your baby. He sounds as though he's in the "devil's grip" of addiction. Right now it's how he has fun and resents anyone, including you, interferring with that. As long as he uses, that won't change, but he also has to WANT to stop. He needs to be faced with you and the baby, verses his "fun". I advise a " tough love" approach. "Me and the baby or your drugs." He has to make the decision, you can't make him choose you. It's harsh I know honey, but I cringe at the thought of you and your baby living with that. I was in that situation as a young woman and dealt with it for 15 years til I finally realized that he loved the drugs more than our 2 boys and myself. I left and didn't look back. In hindsight, I should have made him choose before I spent a goodly portion of my life in misery. You're worried about him alone with your baby....I worked late one night, he had our 3 year old son, When I got home about 9:00, no one was home, and then he comes home with a brand new SUV and my young son had a happy meal that he had just gotten for dinner. Oh yes, and of course he was messed up and shouldn't have been driving to begin with!!! Don't start a life like that is my advice. By the way, my ex now lives under different bridges around town or in jail depending on if he's been caught stealing, dealing, or whatever again. He's a crack addict and has no teeth left in his head, and basically looks like the cadaver he's going to be soon.

Best of luck to you and lots of strength. My heart goes out to you.

by WorriedSick86, Jul 10, 2008 10:43AM
lol... what's a cadaver?
Thanks for sharing with me. This is what Im looking for, stories of what might come in the future, stories of what other woman have been through. It makes me cringe as well... thinking about our security and safety.

How do I approach the tough love? I have tried it once before... saying "its me or your drugs". He chose me of course, but thats when all the lies started happening, and I started to find everything out through our friends. I feel it became worse because being lied to hurts the most out of everything... even the fact of knowing he abuses. I have tried to ignore the lies, thinking to myself that "if I just believe him the lies will stop". But it never ends. I really have to stop lying to myself, thinking things are better than I think they are.

I dont know how to approach this, how to start talking to him about this topic. I've tried many times but he likes to deny it and put it away, making me bottle up my feelings. If he's not calm, he gets angry with me for thinking he has a problem. And if he has somewhere to go, he usually walks right out that door mad and saying things like "f*** it" or "stop assuming things!" ... I get so frustrated when I try to talk to him.. I've already slightly told his mother about the situation but I know quite well that she has no idea what to do. I feel as though the way she raised him might be the root cause of his problems now...

by Tuckamore, Jul 10, 2008 10:56AM
I walked out the day my alcoholic, drug using turned abusive husband knocked our 18 month son off a chair on to cement in response to "Bye Daddy." The X was on his way out the door to a weekend binge and son made him feel guilty just long enoiugh to get smacked and hear, "Don't call me Daddy you 'Bleep.' " I was all of 19 and I have never looked back (or regretted it) and that was 35 years ago. He has continued his downward spiral. His health is gone. He was given "a year" three years ago. He never changed. Those that love him (new wife & their children) have lived a life of pain and devastation. He destroyed all those around him that loved him. Don't let that happen to you.

I agree with too much, you are very young and you sound like a stong woman. If he won't give it up don't wait to have your baby knocked off a chair or worse. Advice is easy to give but I hope for you and your baby's sake you will demand he gets staright or walk. I have an good idea what you are going through and I know it's not and won't be easy but I hear your strength. You can do what ever you put your mind to do. I'll be thinking of you. Hang tough.

I wish you the best. Tuck

by merrymaria, Jul 10, 2008 11:15AM
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS  TAKE IT HOW YOU LIKE BUT YOU NEED TO GET HIM SOME TYPE OF HELP BEFORE THE BABY IS BORN OR YOUR LIFE WILL BE AWFUL.  YOU DON T NEED THIS STRESS AT THIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE.  THIS SHOULD BE THE HAPPIEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE.  LET HIM READ SOME OF OUR POSTS AND ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO END UP LIKE THAT.....I DONT THINK SO....PLEASE GET HIM HELP NOW.  GOOD LUCK  IM HEAR IF YOU NEED ME  LOVE, MARIA

by Tuckamore, Jul 10, 2008 11:18AM
I was reading your post again. Just some more thoughts. As I said I think he's in denial. He won't admit he has a problem. You can't help him. He has to want to help himself, for himself. I don't agree that it's always the way you are raised, though I know that can contribute. My X has two brothers and a sister, none of them have had problems with drugs or alcohol. He father was a alcoholic and I know that there's some geneology there. Your boyfriend's mother is probably unable to help him either. He has to take that responsibility.

Maybe you can suggest counseling and offer to attend with him but if he denies he's using than he won't see or admit the need for counseling. Maybe you can start with realtionship counseling and a good therapist will see the real issue and address it or suggest someone who can. Again I wish you the best.
Tuck

by WorriedSick86, Jul 10, 2008 11:24AM
Thanks, Ive been thinking of getting a relationship counsellor as well. I just have to get up and do it. He is in fact in denial - and has been for over a year. There has been a few break throughs where I almost got him to join a methadone clinic, which is when he said it might help. But then a few days later he said "I'm not addicted, I can do it on my own". But, if he is or not addicted, he's lying to me.. which is a major sign of denial.

I need to know how to make him WANT to quit himself - should I search for the answers spiritually? We are a traditional couple from the Native American culture and we were also baptised in the Roman Catholic church. I was almost thinking of going to a Christian church. I am also thinking of finding guidance through ceremonies, since he is more into that culture than anything.

by Mollyrae, Jul 10, 2008 11:38AM
Oh my. I truley am sorry to here of the constant struggle with him. Pregnancy seems to put couples in a euphoric state and even after the baby is born there is the so called "honeymoon" period. Eventually the newness of a new family wears off and if it was bad before the baby, it certianly won't be better after. Your boyfriend has a very serious problem. I have all to well been down your road. I have also seen many of my friends go down the same as well. My own son is going thru it as I speak. I had a boyfriend back when I was 18 and after dating (actually living together) for 5 years I became pregnant. We managed to stay together and eventually get married after 7 years. All along, he had continued to use pot, cocaine ect...The money issues were horrid, our relationship was based on one lie after another and he continued to tell me that he was barely using. Saying it was recreation only. Well it wasn't. eventually we divorced. Both my children had to go through a really tough time and boy do I regret now leaving the first time I suspected. Stand up strong! Give him one more chance to get clean. If he doesn't, you have to leave!!! It sounds like he will need an inpatient program so that counselors can deal with both the physical addiction and mental as well. He will need to realize that he himself has an addiction. That is the first step. He doesn't then he will never get the help he needs. I am sorry to be so blunt but this is the truth of it. Please take care. I will be thinking of you. Mollyrae

by Tuckamore, Jul 10, 2008 11:49AM
I don't think you can make him want to quit. I know I sound like a broken record but he has to find that "want" on his own. Usually they have to hit rock bottom before they reach that point, some don't even when they hit that bottom. I am sorry to tell you that you can't do it but I think you kow that. When I went to nrsg. school we were education in those areas, I'm sure that hasn't changed. I think you know that answers hon, you just are afraid of them. It is VERY difficult to leave someone you love, espeacially when you about about to have a child together.

And yes a place or worship is always a good place to start. It will at least comfort you, even if he won't attend. It's worth a try as is the counseling, if he'll go. Bless you.

Tuck

by sadinmichigan, Jul 10, 2008 12:01PM
I really can't add much more than what has been said..I am very sorry you have to go through this...as has been said...he has to admit it before anything can be done..You can't get him help..He has to want it..and then you can support him in it..But your hands are tied until he decideds...but that doesn't mean you have to endanger you or your child,..The lying may end up being more damaging than him admitting he has a problem..My husband lies about everything..to the point that it has killed it all..and he is an addict too..
You know the old saying...you can lead a horse to water..but you can't make hime drink...your bf has already commited some very serious breaches of trust..stealing from you???!!! That is horrible..You are one heck of a person to keep forgiving him for stealing from you and all the deceit...remember wen that baby is born..His drugs will be bought first..and you and the baby will be second...Unless he decides to change..I will keep you in my prayers..

by jmom3, Jul 10, 2008 05:12PM
My goodness, I had no idea so may of us have gone through similar situations. I can say that I have been to my very limit with my husband and thought I was going to have to leave him. Instead I prayed hard!!! Decided to put Jesus our savior first and have been blessed since. Eventually my husband followed and has become a changed man. I hate it that every once and a while I worry he might dabble in them again. When I do I pray and rebuke the devil! But remember he is the one who has to want to make the change. Everyone has already given so much good advice! You will be in my prayers!! May god be with you! And remember to pray about it!

P.S. I was stressed to the limit when I was pregnant with my 3rd and had the same worries. Thank GOD he turned out OK and has no issues. He is almost 4 now. You know he was up the whole night before I went in to have him and I remember that he ruined my happy moment. He was there, but not all there I don't think. I need to let it go, but it is hard! I thank Jesus he turned around! I'll keep praying and hope you do the same!

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