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Depressed.. I guess.
Jul 10, 2008 06:20PM
- 5 comments
So today things got to me. Thinking of everything and everyone around me.. I felt myself wanting to act how I did years ago and act out. But of course I didn't. I did, however have a regression of something I swore I wouldn't do and I'm so ashamed of myself... I'm just overall sad.. I know that I'm depressed but I, myself, can't really do anything about it. Unfortunately, I have to rely on other people :( People I cannot count on.
I thought of suicide earlier. For the first time in a while. Not of actually going and doing it.. But like just thinking about it.. the impact it would have. How I'd do it.. What would happen.. But my mind told me I could never think that way because then look who Riley would be stuck with and how ****** he would grow up... He would eventually feel how I am feeling right now and my job now is to be strong enough for him to get through it. Make myself into a better person, for him.
I have someone who cares. It helps to know he does.. But he's hurt me so many times in the past I don't want to let him in. I don't want to cry to him. So I'm kind of a loner.
I have to now worry about my future, what the **** am I going to do? Drop out, get my GED? Continue on 3 more years of HS [since my mom helped me out a LOT in failing this year. I know that sounds stupid, but just trust me. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true] should I go into homeschooling? Look for a job? Go back to school? What about college? How could I EVER afford college? Who's going to watch Riley while I am at school? How am I going to afford a car and license to GET to school or move out? How will I finish school and where can I get a job around here, even if I do? What will I be? What kind of mom am I going to become? What if life gets the best of me and I turn out to be **** like my own mother? (assuming she had a head on her shoulders at some point in her life or another) What kind of life am I going to create for my son? Is he going to have all of the things I never did? Will I make the same mistakes my mother made? What should I be doing NOW to help me for LATER? Will I ever change my self-abusive behavior and find a better outlet for my feelings? Will I ever find help? Will I ever stop being depressed? Am I capable of caring for a child knowing I have the potential to get into that state of mind? Will either of my parents ever care? Who can I turn to?
What the hell am I going to do?
So overwhelming. I don't even know where to start.
I thought of suicide earlier. For the first time in a while. Not of actually going and doing it.. But like just thinking about it.. the impact it would have. How I'd do it.. What would happen.. But my mind told me I could never think that way because then look who Riley would be stuck with and how ****** he would grow up... He would eventually feel how I am feeling right now and my job now is to be strong enough for him to get through it. Make myself into a better person, for him.
I have someone who cares. It helps to know he does.. But he's hurt me so many times in the past I don't want to let him in. I don't want to cry to him. So I'm kind of a loner.
I have to now worry about my future, what the **** am I going to do? Drop out, get my GED? Continue on 3 more years of HS [since my mom helped me out a LOT in failing this year. I know that sounds stupid, but just trust me. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true] should I go into homeschooling? Look for a job? Go back to school? What about college? How could I EVER afford college? Who's going to watch Riley while I am at school? How am I going to afford a car and license to GET to school or move out? How will I finish school and where can I get a job around here, even if I do? What will I be? What kind of mom am I going to become? What if life gets the best of me and I turn out to be **** like my own mother? (assuming she had a head on her shoulders at some point in her life or another) What kind of life am I going to create for my son? Is he going to have all of the things I never did? Will I make the same mistakes my mother made? What should I be doing NOW to help me for LATER? Will I ever change my self-abusive behavior and find a better outlet for my feelings? Will I ever find help? Will I ever stop being depressed? Am I capable of caring for a child knowing I have the potential to get into that state of mind? Will either of my parents ever care? Who can I turn to?
What the hell am I going to do?
So overwhelming. I don't even know where to start.
Honey, everyone gets depressed, I would say at this point in your life things are overwhelming like you said and its easy to let yourself slip into that. But you are asking a lot of questions about yourself right now, what type of mom will i be, what can i do, who can i turn to... all very good questions and its good that you recognize that most of these things are up to you to solve. There is help for you out there. Thinking and doing are two totally different things, you can start right now. Call about your GED, that seems to be the easiest way with a baby to get that diploma if you do not have the childcare assistance you need to go back to highschool. Also there are programs, im sorry but the name of these groups escapes my memory right now, but they help with the expenses of childcare. you have to call and ask them for an application. i will find out and get back to you on that. and as for college, financial aid works wonders and its there for you, being a single mother im sure youll have no problem getting it. as long as you are wanting to do something with yourself then you are not "using and abusing" anything, you are using what is already available to you and making a contribution to the world in return. Just get on the phone, find out online, get the ball rolling for yourself and dont stop until you can look back and see how much ground youve covered. I know you can do it, but its easy to let your mind slip when you are faced with the things you are faced with every day. dont let that happen, dont let that cycle claim you, i already know you dont belong there, and so do you.
SORRY TO HERE YOUR SO SAD . YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR DOCTOR LASS , YOUR SON IS BEAUTIFUL , EVERYTHING WILL GET BETTER YOUR SON HAS BEEN BRUNG IN TO THE WORLD AND NEEDS HIS MAM , YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR DOCTOR FOR HELP CAUSE YOUR SON WILL NEED YOU . AND YOU NEED TO BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR SON , YOUR WHOLE NEW LIFE IS BEGINNING AGAIN WITH A LITTLE BOY YOU MADE. I HAVE A DAUGHTER AND I HAVE JUST HAD A MISCARRY AS WELL IN FEBUARY BUT IV GOT TO GET ON WITH LIFE FOR MY LITTLE GIRL. TEXT ME ANY TIME IF YOU WANT TO TALK. IT WILL BE NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU TAKE Care
thats what depression does, go and see a doctor, you will fell so much better. Words alone will not help, I could write a whole book, but you have to be the one to make the move. Go to your doctor, you can get help and will be able to cope with the whole of this thing callled life, its a beautiful world. Do not rely on anyone, its sad, but do not get to rely on anyone, do as much as you can for yourself and if you get help, then take it. Go to the doctor, take your meds then go and enjoy life and your beautifl son.
just realised you are soooo young, and you do have a lot of responsibilities right now, so it can be overwhelming. Its not you alone , we all get like that sometimes
Im really sorry to be hearing about everything that your feeling but at times i feel the same way. I have completed school and finished college for nursing yet im not happy with myself and the things im doing. im back in school for social work and hoping that everything will fall into place. I hope things get better for you and God sheds some light on all the darkness surrounding you! I'm very glad that threw all the pain your going threw you find the strenght to be strong for your son thats exactly what a good mother would do! Continue to be strong and keep your head up it'll all be better one day soon!
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