In the back of my mind. Today was YAP.
I woke up and it was so early and so I kept trying to go back to sleep, but every few minutes my eyes sprang open and it wasn't worth it, so I just got up. Barely raining, I was so ready and had too much time to spare. Had too much time to mess around with makeup. Looking nice now, wouldn;'t later. When I looked like a raccoon and didn't klnow wenough to check because that's not really my style makeuop. I learned.
We went to a breakfast place in the middle of the woods. It was so sweet. We went last year and it was so much fun. It has meaning. It means something to me. Last year a tthis point I was trying to make friends in group. Knowing it was a thin line for first impressions. Which it isn't. YAP is actually a thick line, if any. The rset of the world is a thin line. (A side note: Maybe it's the people of YAP that make it a thick line. Because even if we're judging and perceptive, we all have off days. Who would understand that better than us? So you accept second impressions too. And even third, and more.) But I was trying to make friends and ok, sure, I had taken a liking to Shei. The moment I was introduced to the group and she said hello, pausing from tackling someone, I knew I had to know her. She was intimidating- or maybe they all were. Either way, I was scared. One look and I knew she wasn't the type of person to look twice at me anywhere else. And so when she was nice, when she didn't look straight through me, fine, she literally had me at hello. Even if I didn't fully understand that yet.
But I went to group and everyone was nice, and we went out exploring and that's when things get a little different. In group, we are a group, the end. No other option. The second we leave the group room, we are people. And aren't always as nice, I guess. Not mean, just not as intune. You don't have logical conversations with people you wouldn't normally, I guess. Nah I'm failing at explaining. Either way I thought out of group it would be different. I would be there, but not part of anything. Floating. "Out of the belly button" as we would say now. Gosh we're wierd. But it wasn't like that. I came alive becasue they let me. I have a charm that gets lost in the shuffle of the rest of my ****** personality, and I can make friends. Not easily, but it happens. But she was my friend. They were, but she was.
Do you know how physically contact means something? I don't mean sexually, I just mean in general. Intentional physical contact. You can be friends and all, but there's a comfort level you get to and it changes things. As simple as hugs- there are people I don't want hugging me. There are people I won't let go of. The freedom to pinch someone's nose when you're poking fun at them, or to wrap your arm around their waist to tickle them. The freedom to grab someone's hand without it being awkward.
I probably over analyse it. It's probably not as important as I see it. But to me, it's important. And so that she grabbed my hand when we were climbing into the van was probably nothing, literally just a lift up. But if I had been someone who didn't matter, would she have bothered? No. I wouldn't have either. I've completely lost where I was going with this story.
We got there and ate waffles and had some awkward breakfast conversation. It's different than group, clearly. You need normal things to talk about. but then we shopped in the gift shop, and we were flying down the roads laden with frost heaves and ohh, it was so great. Like a roller coaster. Bumps and pixie sticks (My first) flying everywhere and laughing. And it was Shei, me, and Tom in the back. Cody in the next seat. Sam in the one in front of that. I felt bad, but it's just that we couldn't include her. It wouldn't have been fun anymore. We're not on the planet. I like her, I have no problem with her. She's a little annoying, but that doesn't bother me much. It's just difficult to have a conversation with her, when she doesn't and can't know things. Whe nit's hard to explain and...we weren't up for it. It was a fun ride home.
I drove us back to Shei's. And I was sleeping over. We hung out there, and I played wit hthe baby. I was feeling pretty dconfident anyways, that day, and what was a baby at that point? I made her smile, and wow. I felt so powerful. Yet useless, becasue I know nothing else. Eventually I went home to grab some stuff. Pills, really. I was anxious about going back beacsue I'm silly like that. I stopped at steves, and ended up staying for a little while. Not long, just enough to calm me down. I drove back hapily, I brought brownies. Forgot them in my car, and dind't get them becasue when I came inside, they were in a fight. She was i nthe bathroom crying and he was in her closet downstairs and ahh, I'm not good at that. I could make her smile, but that's not the best ttime. And of course I got caught iup rememberign how pretty she is when she smiles. And realizing how little she smiles like that. Not knowing how to make her smile more, and knowing I shouldn't tell her at that point. I feel odd the rest of the night. They were tensioned and I was misplaced but it wasn't bad. The weather was bad, though. Wooo. We had to sleep upstqairs because the power went out and genreator fumes go into her room. There was so much rain and they had to set up pumps and sleep knowing they would wake up with a swimming pool for a house and I was worried and again, out of place. Shei went to sleep and the DVD was scratched, so I tried to too. And Caelan wa up , so Billy was up. I couldn't sleep, I wanted to tell him to go ahead and sleep, I would watch her. Because I could see he was tired. OF course he was tired. I had nothing, why couldn't I help? But I don't know how to help. I'm not capable of doing anything on my own. So I kep tmy mouth shut and tried to sleep, kindof watching the cop lights through the windows and him trying to convince her to sleep.
I left the next morning early, before I could screw anything serious up. I'm an extra child.