wutayasay

wut do u say to a mother that lost her son to a heroin overdose? wut do you say to his sister, brother, father , and kids? i cant say sorry for your loss , i know how ya feel. i dont know how they feel, but i can sympathize with the young bro layin in the casket. earlier this week we went to a visitation for an old friend that shot dope and died, his 5 year old daughter found him. the same daughter that played with my son daily, they are the same age. out of respect for him, i attended the visitation, tho i did skip the funeral. first of all, i hate visitations or funerals, i try to block that **** outta my mind, reminds me too much of the life ive lead and the luck ive had. second, the family is well aware of my addiction, they lived next door to us, and i have partied with some of them. so of course his mom has to grab me and beg me to stay clean. i feel soo bad for her, she lost her baby boi, i cant imagine losin onea my kids. as she holds me crying, begging me to stay clean, wut do i say??!! all i can say..... i will continue to fight eva day, wit all i got , to live to see my children grow. i wuz pretty much lost after that, wut do you say , for real. i wanted to say that he is finally at peace, no longer fightin to stay clean, no longer lettin down those he loves, no longer payin the daily consequences of his addiction....  but would ne one but an addict understand that, prolly not.
see , all our loved ones want is for us to KEEP fighting. relapses, set back, n all that other stuff is expected, as long as we keep fightin them off , and keep trying to better ourselves, they will at least know that we love them . to give up on ourselves is to give up on them.
i looked around that funeral home.... told amanda she betta cremate me n have a party, nonea that "on display" **** for me ......then i took a good look, wuz that my mom by the casket, my sister sittin in back cryin wit my aunt, my cousins outside smokin cigarettes???  no , it wuznt, but damn if it couldnt be. it really hit home , that someday due to my addiction it could be my family in that room, crying , mourning, asking why.
but it wont be today, as today i am clean.. i dont make promises to myself or ne one about 2moro, cuz im an addict!!
but today i am clean, by the Grace of God, and the love of my family. today is another day that i have beaten my addiction, and i pray that 2moro will be another.
If you do heroin, and are trying to remain clean, fight extra hard. if you do relapse, please remember this.... when a heroin addict cleans up for a minute , and shots dope on a relapse, they usually take the normal amount they were last using. this can and does result in an overdose. Jed is the third friend ive had that died this way, he wuz clean for a couple weeks, and relapsed at home, dead witin 30 minutes. i  m  n no way a heroin expert ,  only smoked it wit coke a couple times, but it seems to me that the 3 friends i lost to heroin were all trying to get clean when they died. so please be careful wit ne relapses.

R.I.P.  Jed St. Cin    07/'08