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I'm trying to come back to today

Feb 27, 2010 - 0 comments
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memories

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livejournal

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journal

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bad

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missing it

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watered down

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flooding feeling

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conversations

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josh l

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steve

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cutting

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Family Issues

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therapy

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APHP

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partial hospitalization

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hatred

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Threats

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selfish

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regret

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guilt

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stop

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arguements

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coraline

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skate

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Dice Wars

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confetti cake

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decorating

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frosting

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family

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call of duty

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modern warfare 2

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chelsey d

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matt M and Corey C

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Cop Out

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Having fun



To the things that happened today, and how I felt. But I'm getting stuck in right now. I think it's silly sometimes, my journal. Because it is silly now. And I go to public, and it's just words. But I go back to private, and I read a bit farther back, and I feel like someone's tearing my heart out of my chest and melting it in boiling oil. All over again. But I need that there. I need those stupid entrys right there, to remind me.  I need every snapshot of my ingrateful  little being right where I left them. And there they are.  And I read every word, and these things, well you know what moving on is? Moving on is another way to say forgetting.  Of letting the feeling fade and burn and closing off those memories.  But there they are, fresh as the day it all happened. I'm so stupid.  Recently, I've had it all blocked off. Recently I've started thinking about it all again. And it's not so bad. I kindof miss it. Obviously I must have been harsh back then, and it wasn't so bad.  I was dramatic, afterall.
So I kept it there and I read it. Not just my own thoughts, but my conversations. His words. Josh's words.  How they mesh together in ways that qwould make your stomach curl into knots.  And I'm so guilty. I never got over it. I just stored it away. I am so horrible.  And telling anyone about it through my dumb teenage eyes makes it sound so watered down.  Makes me think it was. But it wasn't it hurt like having my forhead branded.  Slicing myself open wasn;t even enough to make a sliver sized proportion of how it felt.  I would know, I have the ridiculous scars to provei t.  I need to stop this. I need to calm down.  I can't do this again.  I started reading, and it started with my family. And then it goes into myself. And it's bad, and it's worse, and it goes to hell.  Hearing him say things and trying to hear his voice saying them now and the hatered that doesn't exist- I remember that was him. That was him. That was how he felt and that was what I did to him. And reading how he hated me, I get sucked ino things I read. It's good, and it's bad. And I felt like he was saying it fresh to my face today.  How much he hates me and I'm trying so desperately to  force him to let go and he won't. And I'm making it worse fighting with myself and everyone hates me and wow.  Oh my god I feel so miserable right now. My life is a cake walk.  

I need to stop and just  say that  I'd almost forgotten how things were back then.  To the point where I was heading back that way and didn't realize why I never wanted to do that again.  And so it's very lucky that I refound these things and have given myself a better perspective. Maybe this time the lesson will stick.  If not- this will all still be here.

It's done, I'm done.  I feel a little better. I read farther back, and that doesn't ean things smoothed over, this is before things fell apart, and it's so nice. I ahve come miles from who I used to be. In a way we're still arguring the same arguements. I need to see him.

Today I woke up late and Steve came over right away! We watched Coraline but it was boring him so we played Skate. Eventually we stopped? I don't remember why. Time passed. We were just hanging around. I had him playing Dice Wars. I don't know what happened but he was at my journal. That's how this started. And I decided it didn't matter much. So I went back to see- if he remembered how to get to it, what he would learn. And well I didn't like it. But whatever. Damage done. I'm paranoid. It's alright though. I know it will be alright. Because what he'll see is so censored compared to what he won't.  I made cakes. One cake actually, I justmade the top and bottom different cakes. Ours I frosted and screwed around with frosting with-it's already been eaten up. Yummy. His I made perfect and lightly sprinkled with flower sprinkles and made not so great but still cute cool whip swirls on. It looked nice, in an amateur sort of way. I hope his family will like it anyways, ha. Tasted good. We ate dinner and we played COD. Chelsey called bored and so we went to see Cop Out with her. Of course "unbeknownst" to her Matt and Corey were there. And they're morons. But she likes them. She says she doesn't, but she lies through her teeth.. When I tried to protect her from them and she pushed me away? I gave up. I'll protect from far away. Let her get hurt again. I thought the movie was nice. A bit awkward, since Steve is very nice and Chelsey was distracted by them and I was trying to stay well off. And I did. The movie was funny. The boys were loud and obnoxious. Chelsey gets home and says she didn't have any fun. Well I had fun. So what the hell do I care. Here I am, it's so late, but I have not got the motivation to move any faster. Monday is going to be hell.

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