This is the worst flare up yet!!

I cannot even put it into words to describe the pain and fatigue I am feeling & have been slowly creeping into for the last couple of days. 19 hours of natural, hard, childbirth seems nothing compared to this pain! I never thought I would utter those words but it is unbelievable and horrific!

My pain is mostly in my legs. It almost feels like muscle and bone hurting! It's awful. I went to the doc again today and demanded something to help. They gave me Soma's 2x a day. I had taken Flexeril but it was like a sugar pill to my pain. The Soma's help for a little while but it all returns. What am I to do????

My new insurance cards should be coming ANY day now and you better believe I am going straight to a good Neuro doc and starting my MS testing. I will go to a Rhemuy to get the ball rolling on my Lupus testing too! And whatever else I need to do to figure out what the heck is killing me!

This is the worst I have felt yet, I only want to sleep, lay around, be in quietness or floating in the pool cooling off; or screaming that helps too sometimes! lol. Sad as it sounds and totally out of character for me- I can't handle my kids right now. I have let then destroy our house and I am so sleepy I have hard time staying awake watching them. I love my kiddos a lot, I love making them happy and doing fun stuff but this pain it's like it totally captures every second. every thought, every ounce of me. I do not understand how a body can hurt so bad! It seems so unreal to me!

Lately, I have felt like I do not care to live. I know that is wrong but it is what it is. I am a Christian and do not believe in suicide--- but some moments I feel like I wish I would just croak over when no one is around and it would all end.

Please God, hear my cries Lord. I know you are carying me right ow, and I am forevr grateful. I am ashamed that I am so unhappy, you have blessed me with so much. I know others are far worse off and I should be thankful I am in the position I am. Lord please grant me some serenity, some ease of pain and some direction/wisodom as to what I should do. I know you will not put more on me than I can handle, I am trying to stay strong... PLease forgive me if I falter here and there, it can be overwhelming. Thank you for being here with me!