My Naturopath is a Naturopathological maniac!

Ok, we talked about my gluten intolerance and how it gives me brain fog....But NO! I am wrong, says he...Oh? I am...Yes, it's because you are a Damp personality....Oh wet fish type of thing?    No..you must not eat thick stodgy foods, eat gelatinous foods, drink cold water......       HEY D#$@head...says me....You wanna come up to my house and see the mouse food I have been eating lately....I made a mistake and ate barley and I got brain fog...You ning nong mental praticioner of dumbness! Nearly 7 weeks of eating bugger all is not my idea of fun!
  He said my lack of calcium is a good thing? Being dead must be a good thing too, I suggested...he didn't think that was at all funny...can't understand why.
  Sure I can understand the herbs to drink, ginger and celery and other assorted goodies can do wonders for the old body. But NOT having calcium in my diet is a good thing? Derrrrrrrrrrrr.......
   He then suggested a nice long massage to release some tension from my back. Sure! I LOVE a good massage! My left lung feels lousy with the pneumonia, let's do it! Hmmmmm probably a fatal mistake on my part. By now you will have seen the photo of my back. Not a pretty sight. I am a poor delicate little snowflake. I asked him what the heck he was doing...he said "Bruising" I told him he had that right! "It's to release heat from your body to allow the dampness to dissipate and make your lungs work better" I sat up and said, "A punch in your nose will dissipate my pain too, you know!"  Needless to say, he charged me only for the visit, not the massage.
   I feel I am surrounded by F/wits...Maybe I ought to try a Faith Healer next...couldn't be any less exciting!