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  WHY?

Jul 12, 2008 01:32PM - 8 comments

   I am so sick of hearing the word cancer. Not just associated with me and ovarian cancer, but with anyone and any type of cancer. Even more, I am sick of losing those close to me because of it.
  I just recieved word that another close friend of over 30 years has lost his battle to this damn disease. His brother passed away a year ago from cancer also. Just since my dx in Nov 2005, I have had several close friends diagnosed with different forms of cancer and all of them are gone. Every time I lose another friend, the emotional roller coaster ride starts again. The questions in my mind come one right after the other. The biggest being, Why? Why can't someone do something about what seems almost an epidemic of cancer, in all of its various forms and stages? Why does it take some so fast and others live for years? Why does it affect so many people? Why does it have to be so hard on us? Why am I stll here when I wasn't expected to be? Why is it that there really is no answers to any of the questions that we ask?
  I know that I have said this before, but at times like this, it comes rushing back to me and I have yet to find the answer. I was so sick when I was diagnosed and not expected to live a year. I had an excellent respose to the initial chemo and debulking surgery was considered a success. I have surprised all of my Drs and they are all pleased with how I am doing. I cannot help but to think that I am still here for a reason, I just have yet to find out what that reason is. That question in itself has caused me many sleepless nights. I have searched and searched for the answer and still came up clueless.
  Then I begin to start feeling guilt. Why am I still here and they are gone? If I am here for a reason, shouldn't I know what that reason is and be doing something about it? The guilt also comes in the form of why I cannot make myself go and spend any time with these friends before they are gone. And why is that? Because I am afraid. Yes I am a big chicken. I am afraid to see myself in them. I do not want to see what it will do to me and what I will have to go through. I do not want people coming to see me and feeling sorry for me and then leaving in tears. The guilt that I feel because of that is horrid, and I carry it with me. All that I can do is to hope and pray that they understood it wasn't that I did not want to see them or to be there for them, I just did not want to see my future in them. That sounds so selfish to say it out loud.
  We have all said it at some time that it just isn't fair, and no, cancer is not a fair disease at all. It isn't fair, it isn't picky, it just isn't right. It has been around for far too long and taken far to many good people before their time. It isn't fair that it is the one disease that no one can seem to do anything about. They can't predict it, they can't prevent it, and they can't cure it. Why?

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by gma718, Jul 12, 2008 02:05PM
Dear Chris - I wish I had an answer for you...you have posted what most of us always ask ...WHY????? When I lost my mother when I was 20 all I did was ask why???? My Dad tried to explain to me that our book is written the day we are born .....that has made me deal with the horrible tragedy that I have endured...all things in life for me happen for a reason...we need to feel blessed even though at times it is very hard to do...we need to remember we all have a purpose here and thats WHY you are here....you have touched so many lives ..you dont even realize it...we dont have the answers but we receive them in other ways..Keep Faith, keep praying ....you are a wonderful inspiration to this forum and a wonderful asset and if you ask all those around you who love you ..then you will know why! Stay strong, stay positive and my prayers are always with you...Love, Gia :)

by bohan54, Jul 12, 2008 03:05PM
Chris,
We live in a scientific era so more people are diagnosed with the beast as opposed to dying of unknown causes.  Unfortunately, though we can identify the disease we are still ill-equipped to deal with it.  The epidemic proportions are probably associated with modern life and carcinogenic toxins that we are constantly exposed to in addition to the genetic predispostion some of us have.  
One of the main reasons I wanted to be in the clinical trial was to aid in research.  It looks less likely that I'll be able to participate now but if something else comes my way, I'll jump at the chance.  Why is an impossible question to answer, you have nothing to feel guilty about in my book.
Peace and love to you,
Sharon B.

by cirella, Jul 12, 2008 03:36PM
Oh Dear Chris,
You are asking one of the age old questions.  You are upset and have a right to be.  There are no answers known to us.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, to somehow glorify God, in His power, time and reason.  All those do not make sense or seem fair to us at all.  It doesn't seem right that people get sick and die, get murdered, tortured or be left without anything after a tragedy.  Many times I have asked God 'why?'.  Sometimes the only answer is that there is no answer.  

I think the things we do before, during and after such tragic occasions is what matters most.  While faced with your circumstances you have done and are doing a wonderful thing to help bring focus to OVCA.  I have said all along that I feel you are starting something big, much bigger than you know.  And, look how innocent it seems.  Just a little get together among those who have met here on this forum.  But, by bringing a few women together you have been able to gather some pretty awesome attention.

There is no harm in wanting people to see the best of us.  And it's natural to feel as you do, to be afraid to face a dying friend.  Sometimes it so hard to see what is the right thing to do.  And, who knows what's right for anyone else?  There are times you just have to do what is right for yourself so that you are able to best care for others.

For 7 years I have wondered why my mom had to get breast cancer and die when she did.  I have asked and still no answer.  But, I do know that because of her death I have become a compassionate person towards others.  I learned how to dedicate a good chunk of money to help further research.  I taught my kids that life is precious.  I taught myself that life is precious.  Now, especially since A is going off to college, I tell myself to treasure each day.  Thankfully, there is no disease in my little family here but, probably since A started driving, I've had a little dark thought that it may be the last time I see her or C each time they head out the door.  My dad has prostate cancer and I think the same.  So, like I said, it's the things I can do between now and then that matter to me.  Still doesn't answer the question 'why?' though.

Chris, you ARE an inspiration to so many.  I'm so thankful that your doctor's prognosis didn't come true.  And you know what?  It's not just your connection to cancer that makes you who you are.  You have a compassionate and loving spirit and I know you would put that to good use no matter what.  Like the little saying goes....'God isn't finished with you yet'!
Love YOU!
  

by lvfrogs, Jul 12, 2008 06:20PM
Lori said it all. There is no way I can say it better than Lori, but I did want to say that it is so hard to lose loved ones and as you say, cancer is a crappy disease, an unfair one and you do wonder "Why".  I think there are just no answers to some questions, I try personally to pray and keep my faith in a loving God. I think that you have been a wonderful, warm and compassionate woman and I am thankful for you.  I will be thinking of you and sending you hugs....Colleen

by TrudieC, Jul 12, 2008 07:28PM
The whole why question can certainly get a person down.  I can't even begin to get my brain around it.  

I can relate to your fear and guilt around visiting loved ones who are also suffering.  I came very close to losing my life 15 years ago when my bowel perforated and was rushed into surgery.  I was in intensive care for 4 weeks.  They never expected me to survive.  For a few years after that I was terrified of hospitals and could not bring myself to go and be there with my grandmother and my ex-FIL in their last days.  The guilt can consume me.  I am now able to handle it much better.

As others have said, there is a reason why you are here and I commend you for working to make the world a better place.  I'm not that religious but I do believe that our life here on earth is not the whole story but is just a stepping stone for us all.

I hope you can find peace.  Hugs, Trudie

by msjazz, Jul 12, 2008 07:41PM
I am like you Chris, but why does anything bad happen? Since I found out I had cancer 2 yrs ago this past May, I think what has happened to others and me still here. I know 5 people that found out they had different cancers, and they are already gone. Plus I know three people whose sons and daughters were killed, one at college run over by a drunk driver, she was walking. Another friends son stopped to help someone who hit a pole and went down a hill. The person was drunk, and ran away, my friends son died when the telephone pole hit him. Another friends son was killed at an intersecton when a drunk ran a lite on the bypass. They were all within a yr on the kids.
None of us know how long we have or how we will go for sure, but as everyone says we are here for a reason, and I do know if I had not gotten cancer I would not have met all of you, and I have really made some good friends here, even if we have never seen each other.    Hugs  Donna

by JC145, Jul 12, 2008 08:18PM
I feel your pain, Chris.  I think individuals who feel pain .. love deeply .. and that's why this is extremely troubling for you right now.  You obviously cared for your friend and you have my deepest sympathy.  Cancer is an ugly disease .. we all feel that way.  AND it is so hard watching a friend slip away.  I've did it far too many times myself.  Everytime you turn around, some one else has cancer.   It seems every couple of months we are attending a wake.  However, try to use cancer to your advantage.  By that I mean, think about fatal heart attacks or strokes .. no second chance there.  NO chance to hug your kids one more time.  NO chance to watch a sunrise.  NO chance for anyone else to love you back.  I try to welcome each new sunrise and thank God I am alive to see it.  I know the road ahead is not going to be pleasant, but my brother is in his 15th year of Parkinson's and I can honestly say I wouldn't trade places with him.  He hasn't had a good day in years .. everything is geared around his meds and when they "kick in".  It's brutal.  I've mentioined before I work for oncologists ... do not even ask how many sympathy cards I have signed.  I've watched this disease strip the life out of our patients and yet, they are the most incidible individuals ... I gain strength from them.  Mourn your friend(s) .. you should .. then hug those grandkids and tell them you love them.  Why not plant something in your friend's memory at your home.  I'm thankful you are part of this forum ............................... Judy C

by SimplyStar, Aug 03, 2008 05:36PM
Chris  I am so late in finding this, I apologize to you. None of us know the answers to your questions.  That will happen someday, just not in time for some of us. In my life I have dealt with Life and Death, on the delivery table or at the side of a bed of a terminal patient. We all want a long happy life inbetween the two, but it just doesn't happen that way for many. I am one that has lived a long life,  do I regret it, NO, of course not. Do I regret seeing my daughter slip away from me , so young and vital to everyone around her, YES.  We will all go and join those that have gone before us and since death has its secrets, that we do not know,  we worry about Death. It is life we need to focus our attention on, completely and comfortably.  That is what we have to hold onto, so I try and put aside all those thoughts and live for tomorrow. It is very hard sometimes, to have a  positive outlook, but we can only live with the days alloted us, I say Make the most of them, if you have to fight to live, then do it.  At my age anything can happen at any time, do I dwell on it, NO, I don't have time,  I am about living each day and enjoying those around me, making memories for them for when I am gone.  I know I won't probably see my young Grand children graduate from school or college, but does that really matter,  that would be just another day in my life, they will do all that without me there, life will go on even when I am gone.  But I do want to make my mark in the world, so I stay active and  involve myself in making that mark. Be of good cheer,  Chris, make some marks like you do everyday .  Marty

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