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Selfish, Inconsiderate, in love...??

Jul 13, 2008 12:00AM - 12 comments

Sometimes my husband seriously annoys the hell out of me. Especially when it comes to the neighbor. She is married, sweet, kind, and has a very dry sense of humor. We frequently hang out with them as they have children the same age as ours. Eric the neighbors husband is very respectful, unlke anything I have seen, even for his bad boy self image he portrays.

Maybe im just hormonal or maybe im seeing right through my husband. But everytime they come over, even when Eric is here with his wife, I feel as if im non existant. My hubby has a very dry, cocky sense of humor, and acts like he is 2 or 3 years old on a regular basis, but I havent ever seen him like this before.

He constantly jokes around and messes around with the neighbor lady, arm wrestles her, picks on her, he is even more considerate to her and she isn't carrying his baby. Hubby offers her the patio chair to sit down before he does me. When she is here im basically left in the dark to fend for myself.

He used to use the same sense of humor on me, we used to joke around, wrestle, laugh and play together, and now we don't, because he is doing that stuff with her, and even does it when her hubby is around, and I know her hubby is uncomfortable with it, but he doesnt say anything.

Maybe my husband has a thing for this neighbor lady, she is beautiful in every aspect, and here I am with nasty genetically rotting teeth, I have a big fat round belly and uninterested in sex because of it. My breasts sag, my butt is HUGE, I chew my nails, my hair is falling out, and Im mentally unstable sometimes because of my OCD and Bipolar Disorder.

Maybe he is bored of me, who knows. All I know is I am so sick and tired of feeling more like a house keeper than a wife and mother. I am always cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of my children, while hubby does nothing, he gets to sleep in, play video games with the neighbors, go outside to play with the neighbors and kids, go to the sports store and video game store, and so much more, while im left at home to sit on my arse and take care of everything, no matter how much physical pain im in because of my pregnancy.

Jealous? Slightly....I just more or less feel left out, like I dont exists or belong here anymore. I have tried to talk to him about all this, and all he can say is...* I mess with Eric too*...which he does, but where does that leave me once again....ALONE IN THE DARK! I want hubby to have friends, dont get me wrong, but I would also like to be involved as well, but honestly I dont see that happening anytime soon.

I have learned to just keep my mouth shut and deal, eventually I will get so sick of it that I may just end my 4 yr marriage to a man that I thought loved me, and that nothing would get between us. But for now, I will just do what I always do, sit on the side lines and watch from afar.

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by Cheesecake7, Jul 13, 2008 09:54AM
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way!  Do you think that he realizes what he is doing? I mean is he acting this way as though he is purposefully trying to ignore you, or do you think that he is just ignorant?  I would find it really upsetting if my hubby were acting like this, so I can understand where you are coming from.  Have you told him how you feel? I know that you said you talked to him, but have you actually told him how alone you are feeling, and that you feel the marriage may be dissolving?  Men can be so insensitive sometimes, and I am sorry that you are in this position, especially at this point in your like. I hope that things get better for you....

by BTS1022, Jul 13, 2008 10:05AM
Cheesecake7

I have told him, but of course most men are oblivious to what they are doing, and they don't see how they could possibly make their wives feel like such ****. I don't think he is purposefully ignoring me, but I do think he is slighly caught up in the moment when the neighbor is here, maybe a bit more caught up with her than he thinks. But little does he know, he makes it very very obvious that there might be something he is wanting from her, especially the way he looks at her.

I know I dont have to worry about her, because she is very commited to her husband, and she isn't they type of woman to make moves on other womens hubby's. I also don't think she realizes what my hubby is doing is out of maybe an infatuation with her, she is just as blind to the situation as he is I do believe, but could be wrong.

Everytime I explain how exactrly im feeling to DH, he pretty much dismisses my feelings, saying things like * I dont make you feel that way* Trying to tell me how to feel on a daily basis, which is ignorance all on itself.

Men are usually the type of people who always want to fix *problems*, but it doesnt seem as if hubby wants to fix this one, he just pretty much blows me off. So when he woke up this morning, he knows im quite upset, but I have also told him, Im tired of trying to discuss my feelings with him when he just puts my feelings off to the side.

Maybe if I lead him into the kitchen with Col. Mustard and a candlestick...with a few whops to the head he may wake up lol.

by Hope2OneDay, Jul 13, 2008 10:25AM
There is no worse time to feel alone than when you're pregnant. You already feel fat, insecure, and just plain yucky physically. Not to mention the hormones that wreak havoc on your emotions. If there is EVER a time when men should be EXTRA sensitive to their wive's needs, it is during this time of instability. Talking to him apparently is like talking to a wall. Too bad you can't record him acting like an idiot towards the neighbor on a camcorder. That way you could play it back for him later as proof of how he acts.

Personally, if it were ME, I would call him on it when he does it. If he "jokingly" did something that sounded like a come-on, I'd say (and I'd say it lightheartedly and jokingly just like him)  "Geez, 'insert hubby's name' by the way you're acting, you'd think you had a crush on 'insert neighbor's name' " or if he kept touching her, no matter how "innocent" I'd say "You know, 'insert the neighbor hubby's name' may not like you touching his wife like that all the time"

Call him on it so that it will not only make the neighbor girl's hubby feel better (so he doesn't have to sit there and bite his tongue), but it will make her aware that he possibly has a crush on her...as well as put your hubby on the spot. Hey, if he can dish it out, then SURELY he can take it right? If he gets mad, just tell him you were just making a joke...just a friendly observation. If he gets too defensive, you'll know what you said was true.

Men can be such dogs.

by KStarr07, Jul 13, 2008 12:04PM
I'm so sorry about this.. But my only suggestion would be to have him read everything you just wrote. It is insiteful to your true feelings on the subject, doesn't sound too pushy, and perhaps would make him understand where you're coming from.
And I totally agree with what Hope2OneDay said, as well.
But I'm sorry you're feeling this way, that must be awful. I hope that it gets better for you.

by BTS1022, Jul 13, 2008 02:37PM
I appreciate all your input, it is hard to call DH out on stuff, it tends to **** him off wether he is guilty of the crime or not. Even if I do let him read this journal entry he wouldn't think twice about it im sure. He would silently read it, then go on with his day. He doesn't comprehend(sp) or react to emotions like a normal person would, he is mentally ill from war with PTSD, so things have to be done slightly different with him, or all hell breaks loose...literally lol.

I have learned that if I just keep my mouth shut then everything goes smoothly. I have learned to deal with my emotions accordingly, and will probably end up dealing with my emotions this way, until that little hampster in the wheel starts turning forward in hubby's brain, instead of backwards lol.

It's also a very touchy subject for me to talk about to DH. I get emotional really easily, and hubby tends to get even more pissed when I start to cry, like im not supposed to or something, maybe he is just mad at himself that he hurt me that bad, but he sure knows how to make people feel like **** either way.

I will just continue to pray for my hubby in hopes that he will learn to deal with things a bit better, and how to be more considerate.

I might just talk to him later tonight though because it is something that over all is killing me inside, we will see, he does know by my attitude that im pretty upset and hurt, and he keeps trying to pester me about whats wrong lol. Men....so so so blind lol.


by Roz1977, Jul 13, 2008 08:07PM
before i even write how much that would **** me off...im just wondering was he always like that with her? and how does she respond to him?
and also i saw your pictures and you are beautiful you are just feeling bad and hormonal...you are also very young lots of time to get your self together!

by Michele, Katy, TX, Jul 13, 2008 11:42PM
Let me start by saying that you are beautiful :)  Sooooooo, let's not hear talk arguing that anymore okay??

I was once on the receiving end of this one time.  I had these 2 friends.  It was a couple.  My friend had had all sorts of problems with this guy.  He was a regular pot smoker and had a horrible addiction to porn.  He also had a drinking problem.  Well, he started to try to get his act together it seemed.  I was with them a lot.  We all worked together and also hung out a lot outside of work.  I always kind of worried about it too; kind of like being the 3rd wheel, but they both always seemed to want me around.  One night, my friend's boyfriend got drunk and told her he had a crush on me.  She was crushed!!  I felt so small.  She came and told me the following morning.  It was as if I could feel her pain and then also felt like it was my fault.  It was awful.  He did the same things.  It seemed like he was more considerate of me.  He was more considerate of her when I was around.  I mean like he might cook or he might make sure our drinking glasses were full.  He'd do it for both of us, but he was only like that when I was around.  I felt so bad for her.  I mean, I was her best friend but yet her boyfriend had a crush on me of all people.  The 2 of them broke up after that.  She and I don't talk anymore.  We haven't for years.  But it wasn't because of that.  Infact, we grew closer after that happened.

Okay....Now I'm going on and on......

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  I wish I had some advice for you.  If it were me, I'd call my husband on it and it wouldn't be resolved until it didn't happen anymore.  But I am quite loud spoken you could say and my husband knows that.  He is the opposite.  He is very arms length with the opposite sex and always very appropriate.  Well, I don't really know how to word it, but he hasn't ever done anything disrespectful like that.  And that is my opinion.....I don't feel like your DH is respecting you or your feelings and that is wrong!!!!!  You and your feelings should come above anything and anyone.  I'm real big into that mentality.....

Please let me/us know if you need to talk.  We are all here......

by blueeyedtabbycat, Jul 21, 2008 11:34PM
First off, let me just say that I have seen pictures of you and you ARE a very BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!! I am sorry you are having to deal with this right now:( I can understand what you are going through right now. My hubby is an accomplised(sp?) flirt and is very proud of it. I know he tones it down around me but I makes me wonder. Especialy now when I get so happy about our little ones upcoming arrival and all he says is that he cant wait for me to get back in shape:( And his idea of in shape is getting back down to 105 lbs. I get alot of comments about how big I have gotten and how large my butt is. I dont think men stop to think about the things they say and do and the effect it has on us woman. My hubby acually gets mad when I get upset about the things he says and claims im too defensive, when he is just being HONEST with me, as if!!  
Us woman do so much for the men we love. We bare their children, scaring our bodies and going through changes that men could never dream of doing. HELL if it werent for us they wounldnt be here!!
We look past alot in order to get along. I wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed??? Maybe you should make an attempt to flirt with your neighbors hubby?? Would your hubby get upset?/ Maybe that would open his eyes??
I hope things get better for you soon:)
Sorry about all the bad spelling:(

by JoyRenee, Jul 21, 2008 11:46PM
Yikes! I've read your other posts... I can see why he sides with the neighbor chick now. Maybe you guys oughta just all stay away from them. That woman sounds like bad news!

by BTS1022, Jul 21, 2008 11:56PM
Well to update on this subject, DH and I did talk about the situation. He didn't realize what he was doing made it seem as though he was flirting. Hubby is a very childish person, he acts identically to my 4 yr old lol very immature. He did apologise for making it seem that he was interested in her, and he even went as far as getting on his knees swearing with tears in his eyes that he didnt have a thing for her, and that he was truly and honestly sorry for making me feel so inadequit(sp).

Joy- He never really sided with her, infact all he does is complain about how picky and weird she is with her antics lol. He finds her quite annoying to be honest, and I can't blame him.

His response to why he has helped them out so much is because he was trying to please everyone. He had finally made some friends and thought that the only way to keep them as friends was to so called take care of them. DH is the type of person who constantly wants to help anyone he can, and would give his shirt off his back to a homeless guy, something he has done before. He gave a homeless guy his 400 dollar leather jacket in WA state during the winter time, and bought the guy a meal from red robins.

I trust DH, and He has made it very clear that he didnt and doesnt want anything to do with her. He says he still finds me very attractive, and even more attractive now because he actually has the chance to watch someone he loves more than anything in the world, give up their body and life for 9 months to bare his child.

We don't plan on going around the neighbor anymore, not because of him, but because of everything in general with her and her family. Her kids are loud and rude, and thats not something I want my boys being around. She is a complete Germ freak, almost OCD like. She cannot drink a can of soda without gloves and a straw...im dead serious. We are breaking our ties with them because we are tired of THEM butting into our relationship and marriage. It feels almost as if she is jealous of what me and barry have, because her relationship with her husband isn't as stable.

I dont want anyone thinking my hubby is a pathetic loser or a complete a$$, because he is far from it. He treats me like a queen and he is a wonderful husband and father. I just think he gets a little consumed in the moment and doesnt always think before he does or says something, which is typical of a man lol.

by blueeyedtabbycat, Jul 22, 2008 12:03AM
Im glad that things have worked out for you:) Your hubby sounds like a wonderful man..Im glad he realized how you feel and plans on changing it.
What are the chances that your OCD neighbors would just move?? LOL. That would just be too convenient huh?

by BTS1022, Jul 22, 2008 12:05AM
lmao! Thats what DH and I were just saying. He thought it would be awesome if they just moved or something. DH even suggested that we move, but I dont want a couple of freaks to ruin or change my life lol. I can deal with freaky people, but then again......they are a little bit weirder than your average weird lol.

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