cleaning

add on as of 8 30 pm: found out someone i totally care about and should be with is leaving me one again....without warning. gets his check, and 3 days later is gone. nice. i want to see him before he gose out of my life again. back to the sunny hot skies of AZ from ****** NY. of course, its gonna be good times when he gets back there to his 'family' of friends...smokin herb all the time, hanging out all the time, being a 38 yr old slacker again, although he has held a job the whole time he wa there, idk. i hate az now because we were supposed to go there together years ago, i hate the fact hes there without me, and the fact i refuse to leave my husband and take the kids to az to be with him, even if he did change his slacker ways, idk if he knows what having kids means. his friends have them, but idk if he gets just how committed to mine i am.

he moved back here on a whim to wait for me, without even knowing if my current relationship was over, and it hasnt ended yet because of the kids and some bipolar issues ive been having. i want to be mentally stable before i make any choices rather than make impulsive choices that i will regret later, and you all know themeds dont work in a week, it takes 6-8 to see a difference. its only been maybe 5 for me, and already his patience is thin, he cant take the snow, hes only been gone from his hometowm for 9 yrs, its not like hes never seen snow before. he has a job here, his family is here, he has friends here, im here, and he just has to run away from me again saying 'the ball is in your court' WTF is THAT!

im not going to move my kids to AZ so they never see any of their family ever! they need theri dad, hes a great dad, but they need their other family members too, and in az they wont have anyone at all.  i have so many regrets about not leaving for AZ like we were supposed to do together in 97 before. i had a job there, and an apartment lined up, i just bailed out last min cuz id miss my family too much. family is everything to me i guess.

when we broke up 9 yrs ago, he basically didnt fight for me back, just up and ran to AZ with his tail between his legs and wallowed in the loss of us, for 9 yrs he says. i dont believe that 100%, there had to be other girls, and good times and all that, but i hate AZ so much because he is there and im not with him. he is having what we were supposed to be sharing. maybe im being selfish, im sure i am being irrational and selfish. i hate him so much right now for leaving me and not allowing me to end something correctly and start something fresh, than do 2 things at once. i wont do that. i never asked him to come home for me, he just did it expecting me to leave my husband. i cant just do that with kids involved. if there were no kids, then my heart would lead me and id be basking in the AZ sun right now.

i hate him because i never got over him. i hate him because i still love him. i hate him because he gets me like no other human being gets me. i hate him for the spiritual and emotional connection we share. i hate him because he loves me. i hate him because hes leaving me again. i hate him because i cant have what i want with him. i hate him because he didnt do more with his life in the 9 yrs we were apart. i hate we have to be apart.. i hate our lives didnt end up the way they were supposed to. i hate being bi polar and that i cant make a rational decision at this moment. i hate the thought of another girl/**** touching him, i still think of him as my guy, always have. i hate him for being the way he is, so stubborn. i hate him because he loves me so selflessly. i hate him because he holds me as the golden standard of his perfect woman. i hate him for being my soulmate and for the cosmos for keeping us apart like this for so long. or circumstances...life...whatever has kept me from him...why?!? is it a sick and cruel joke?

whatever the case may be, here im sitting writing this chainsmoking, taking my xanax to calm myself down, and eating twix like they are going out of style...pms will do that to you, as well as intensify all my feelings, see above. idk how im supposed to just 'move on' from one of the closest people in my life coming back into my life and then not having enough patience for what i need to do to mentally get healthy so i can make rational decisions, so he decides to leave again after 3 months...wtf is that all about!

basically i hate him at this moment for being able to just pick up and move and do what ever the fcuk he wants to do whenever he wants to do it with no reprecussions for his actions, someone else alwayspicks up the pieces, it used to be me, but then i broke up with him hoping the distance would make him self sufficient, didnt mean i loved him any less, but he got it into his head that i didnt love him so he just up and left for AZ with out a warnign or anything and now just waltzes back into my life after almost 10 yrs!

granted me & my husband have been having serious problems for at least 6 yrs and ralking about splitting up, the ex was all it took for me to see an out, and easy out, so he goes and moves back here with the thought i would just up and leave my husband, which you just dont throw away 10 yrs and 2 kids like that and move back to AZ witht he kids and be a happy new family. i dont want my kids to end up in therapy, its bad enough im bipolar and that mught fcuk them up enough to get them in therapy, but doing this to a 3 & 5 yr old might wreck their whole world, so im staying put but with things changing at home now. i put my foot down on a lot of situations and if the rules arent followed, im out, like the no drinking rule. i have rules for myself as well, and its been hard with me readjusting to my psyche meds again, so its no happy home around here yet while i wait for the meds to kick in, but hopefully it will help me focus abd give me a chance to think more rationally and clearly and not be so impulsive, which is a total problem for me.

i think too much, over analyize too much, and obsess too much. i just want to be happy, and relationships shouldnt ever be this hard, i dont think. so i want to follow my heart to AZ where id feel healthier with my BP as far as the  sun all year adn the temps, but i want to be happy with the one im with as well. i hate choices like this, but it is what it is for now. i just hate it all right now. sometimes i wish i never had kids, a totally selfish thought because 1. i wouldnt inflict my bipolar onto them 2. they wouldnt have the risk of suffering the same fate & 3 im not as well equipped at the whole patience parenting thing as i thought i was, it takes me more time being bp to calm down and think rational sometimes. i always used to say before when i was single, ill never get married or have kids because im too selfigh with my time and my money...look where i ended up now, totally ate those words. but i love my babies with my whole entire being, id kill for them to keep them safe, and id do anything for them so i come second now, and this choice i have to make means coming second as to what i want to do. i see to many selfish parents make so many bad relationship moves from partner to partner and the poor kids suffer with so many baby daddie and boyfriends in their lives, the dont have a strong positive male father figure in their life, and i would never take that away from my kids, their dad is a wonderful dad and i will never keep them apart, even if we dont stay together, they will always have the chance to be with him (unless the drinking starts, then its a different story again) but sober, hes the best dad i could ask for and the kids think so too.

ok, im off to make some coco wheats, i live on that crap i guess thats why i put on 4 lbs in a month :( pms is a ***** though! and so am i lately ......