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Jul 16, 2008 04:27PM - 9 comments

I don't know what or why I ended up writing about what happened when I was a child.  I guess that child needs to let it out finally.  Sadly, there was more that went on in the house I grew up in.  My Mom would get made at me because like most kids I did something I knew I should not have done, her solution to things like that was to beat me with what ever was handy, belts, willow tree brances, flip flops, potato masher, paddles, etc.  Then there was my Step-Dad who was going to through me out of the moving car because I asked a question, I don't remember what I asked. One day I dropped his bottle of burbon on the kitchen floor...........needless to say as I was cleaning it up I was beaten with his belt, I welts for days.  There was no one to talk to, I beleive my I was too scared to tell anyone.  I was a good girl, but that did not matter.  So when I am told to be gentle to myself, I really don't know how.  The day we got married my mother demanded I give her my wedding dress and I did I was 18, but I paid for it myself.  Nearly a year later I went over to the house and I saw my wedding dress being eaten by rats! I did not step foot inside that house again until my step-dad died and I was there to support my sisters.  Most of this my own kids don't know.  I have never told my sisters what their dad did to me or our Mom.  Both Mom & my step dad passed away in 1990 4 months from each other they were gone with all their lies, secrets.  

I have kept all that away for many years,  and I really don't know why I wrote it down today.  But for those who read this I really am not looking for smypathy.  I just have hit the point that I don't really care what happen to me anymore.  
I have had enough of life has offered me.  My family & my middle Sister, Bobbie is what keeps me here.

That is all of it.  I just want this to end.  I really just want God to give me a sign as to why I should be here.

My Medical issues have won, I am too tired to care anymore.

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by Heather3418, Jul 16, 2008 05:56PM
Shar,

This may sound harsh, but if you can't look at the family photo you posted and figure out WHY you are on this earth, then nothing I can say will mean anything.....


Heather

by Cindee56, Jul 17, 2008 10:18AM
Shar,

Is it possible that some of your medications are causing these hopeless, suicidal thoughts?  Some anti-depressants can make this worse instead of better.  Discuss it with your doctors.  Maybe you need a switch in medications.  Also, for your pain what are you taking?  Do you go to pain management?  

I hope today is a better day.

by SharJ, Jul 17, 2008 12:04PM
Cindee,

I am going to see my psychiatrist & physcologist tomorrow so I will be asking alot of questions.  I am taking Vicodin for the severe pain and Feldene.  No I have not gone to management yet. I am feeling a little better than yesterday. I just lost complete control of my feelings & emotions I do not have any explanation for yesterday.  

But I want to thank you again for your concern and caring.  I did not feel alone yesterday will I was having a melt down.

Shar

by Cindee56, Jul 17, 2008 02:12PM
Hi Shar,

You are very welcome.  But, you know, you don't have to explain your feelings.  I know.  Actually, I have had those thoughts myself on my bad days (which I have a lot of).  Especially at night, I get very anxious and sad.  If I get severe pain at night, or feel sick to the stomach (which I CAN'T STAND), I just lose it.  My husband told me that sometimes I scream at him and say things like *I'd rather be dead.*  That's what the pain and misery do to you.  Only someone who suffers this way can understand.

My husband is not very patient and supportive, so that's probably why I yelled at him.  So I get even more anxious because I know that I can't count on him to be comforting.  He will do stuff around the house or get me whatever I need, but emotionally he's not there for me.  But coming here to talk helps.

Please let me know what the doctors say.

Hugs,

Cindy

by SharJ, Jul 17, 2008 03:06PM
Hi Cindee,

I am sorry you are not getting all the support from home. It hard on our husbands and kids, friends because they are going through our daily pain, depression and anger.  Sometimes we do get short tempered with them because we are in so much pain that just never lets up.  I had a long talk with my Husband, Mike last night.  He knew about what I had written in my journal, because I called him so I would not do anything yesterday,  He explained to me that I have been shutting him and the kids out. They want to help.  I did not realize that is how my family felt.  And they do get frustrated with me, but they love me and want to help, they are trying to understand what all I am going through. Mike said he knew how very hard it was to write that in my journal, he was proud of me for doing it.  I am glad we had our talk.  I think we both felt better.  

But it is different when we share how we feel, or is it a good or a bad day unless someone else has been going through it also.  This forum has been a blessing to me, and I owe it to my daughter Debra, she has MS.  

I am here okay? If I can help you or you need to talk please, let me know.  I will let you know how it went with the doctors tomorrow. It will probably in the middle of the afternoon.

loving thoughts,
Shar

by sandee1818, Jul 17, 2008 07:13PM
You really need to get help as in a psychologist. Dealing with these awful things that have happened to you is just too much for you to bear alone. Please pm me with your location so I can help you contact someone in your area to help you:)

by SharJ, Jul 17, 2008 11:53PM
Sandee,

I appreciate you wanting to help, and taking the time to care about me.  I have a psychologist & a psychiatrist already.  In fact I have appointments with both of them tomorrow afternoon.  

Thanks for caring,
Sharj

by karen717, Jul 18, 2008 11:21AM
Sharj,
I just read your new journal. I read the previous one also. The reason I came back to read the new journal was to check on you. I just looked at all your photos. What a lovely family you have! They all seem so happy in the photos, and you do too. Maybe it will help you to get out all you photo albums and take a journey back. Look at what you've have created! You have overcome your childhood. You beat it!!! Just look at the proof. YES, there is a reason we are all going through whatever our issues are, but we may never know the reason. It is very frustrating. You need to find some peace and I pray that you will. Please keep posting to let us all know how you are doing. We are concerned about you!

by PlateletGal, Jul 18, 2008 01:24PM
Hi Shar,

I just read this. The best thing about healing is going forward and I know it is sooooo difficult with challenges in your life (fibro, etc). But it is soooo worth it and I pray that your new psychologist will help you move through things that keep bringing you back to those painful moments in the past.

Karen is right... you've beat it ! So please don't beat yourself..... and look forward to spending time with your beautiful family and know that YOU'VE broken the cycle !!!

Please keep posting... also keep in mind that there is a depression forum, so if you are in need of someone right away... you have that additional resource and many more.

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