Shot#30  No regrets, someday tomorrow may just not come

To often in life we think about our own pain and struggles and forget that other people have pain and struggles too. Some are better off then we are, some are not, but its so easy when we are going through an illness to put the focus on ourselves and forget the world around us. I have MS and yes it stinks, and yes I am scared. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. The good thing is most people whether they are healthy or not have no idea either. But what happens when you know a little more about the time of your possible death and the way you might die? How will you live those days? What changes if any would you make?  Tonight i took my shot early about 5pm . I had a fund raiser to attend this evening so my husband needed to give me the shot before i left. My daughter wasn't home she slept at her grandparents so it was just him and me. I would love to say I was extremely brave, I wasn't. I just sat here waiting for my husband to get it over with as I watched my myspace slide show of my family that seems to bring me comfort at a time when I feel like I cannot be comforted. The shot was easy, it bled alot but it was over and I was happy to be done with it. I sat here for a little while thinking about tonight and where I was going and why.

A coworker of mine has a rare brain cancer. She is going to die. There is nothing they can do and really she wasn't supposed to live this long. She is a mother with 2 teenage children a wife a sister a  daughter. And she knows her days are numbered now. Each day is a gift, a day she probably might not have been here. She found out quite by accident that she had this cancer. She had been getting headaches but thought nothing of them. She was in a car accident and it was after they brought her to the hospital the discovered she has a tumor. She went from a vibrant beautiful women who had her whole life in front of her , to a women who was told she has cancer and there is nothing they can do for her, she will only have a few months at best a year to live. I cannot imagine what hearing this did to her and her family.

Money is a problem, they have no health insurance, she worked part time and was paying into an insurance that now that she is no longer an employee she is not entitled to. She hasn't been working there for more than 6 months. Her husband has been out of work so they really relied on her job for the insurance. So the  resturant  she worked as a waitress part time decided to hold this dinner and have an  auction to help raise money for the family.
I didn't want to go . I bought my ticket 2 months ago, and i just wasn't in the mood, i take my shot tonight and the list of excuses can go on forever. Needles to say I decided to go after all it was for a good cause. I got there and her children were there to help with the auction her husband was there, but i didnt see her. I figured why would she go.

About halfway through the night I was looking around, watching people laugh, drink and cheer when they won a prize. I listened to people at my table complain that they were not winning anything. I thought wow how could we be having such a good time when this women is going to die? How can people get mad about losing when the money is going to a good cause and who cares anyway, win or lose I know I am not going home to watch a loved one die. At some point during the night my friend kept asking me if I saw the co-worker and if  she here and I kept saying no. Turned out she was sitting at the table behind me. She looked as if she aged about 15 years. She was bloated from the chemo treatments her hair that was once long and pretty was short thin and lifeless, and I swear if I was standing next to her in a store I would never have recognized her at all. My heart broke when i saw her.

The night finally came to an end and at the very end, her husband go up to make a speech about his wife and her courage facing such an uncertain tomorrow, doing treatments that will probably not do anything. He spoke about how much he loved her, and was so proud of the way she was facing this and getting up everyday and doing whatever it takes to live each day with no regrets.
No regrets.

She was crying, I was crying,  hell the whole place was crying it was a beautiful speech giving in tribute to a women who is loved and needed by her family. Then her son read a poem he had written for his mother and his sister and dad. He spoke of God and faith and the love they have for one another as a family . He talked about making every day they have left together count, because there wont be a second chance to get it right. He talked about each family member their strengths and what they each offer  to  each other. And I was touched beyond words by his poem. I saw her husband on my way out and he hugged me and thanked me, and told me how much it meant to his family that people came out in support of wife.

Here in lies the kicker. I wasn't friends with this women. We had some issues in our past. Her son dated my daughter and when it ended it wasn't so nice. Typical teenage drama. But when your a parent your side is with your children. We were cordial but that was it. Her husband was hugging me with tears in his eyes and thanking me for coming, telling me how much he appreciated my being there and how much it meant to him. Again  i was touched and moved beyond words by his display of affection when he could have just said thank you. It made me think the whole way home about how they were behaving in this horrible time. I thought about how in the not so distant future I would see this man again at his wifes funeral. I felt stupid for being such a baby over a needle that wont kill me. I felt grateful that I don't really have any idea what my future has in store for me. I have a lot of maybes, but who doesn't.

Then I thought, am i living my life the way these people are now?  Appreciating every moment given to me. Living my life with no room for regret. Counting each day giving to me as a pure gift from God. I can honestly say I am not. I know as scared and frustrated as I am to take this shot each week, this women would gladly trade places with me in a second. I know as much as I worry about what tomorrow may bring, I am lucky I still have no clue. This women knows that her time here now is coming to an end . She will never see her daughter marry, or her son. She may never see her daughter graduate High School, or her son collage. She will never know what its means to hold her grandchild in her arms and look upon them with the love and tenderness only a grandmother has . She is spending her time now loving them with everything she has and saying goodbye and most important leaving an impression on them that they will have to carry with them into a future without her. I thought a lot about them on my way home.  I hope I have learned from their situation. To make every second I have worth something whether for myself or someone else. Leave no room regrets or  for the maybes of tomorrow because someday, tomorrow may just not come.

Shot# 30  Is gone but I am still here, its just a shot
and I have seen that there are much worse things in life.

until next week
Be Blessed
Cindi