Friday July 18th
Jul 18, 2008 12:00AM
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Well I managed to finish another shift (Thursday night) , luckily my mood only did one major swing on me in the upward direction. As usual my bank account is empty so luckily I couldn’t go on any spending sprees. However when I came down on my way home I was very nervous. I really wanted to pull out my knife, the cutting seems to help a lil even if its not deep the pain feels almost orgasmic, feels very real unlike the rest of my emotions. When I swing up I seem to do so in such an off the wall manner that afterwards thinking back its more like “was that really me ?”. it only happens once in a while not too often. Most of the time Im daydreaming about death or ways to hurt myself whether it be as simple as finally cutting deep into my wrists or as difficult as me going out in some glorified death by saving someone. Sometimes I just think about walking down the railway tracks until a train comes up behind me and that would be the end of it. I don’t have the courage to do it though, at least not yet.
Last night I was thinking about my relationship with Lucie, I feel guilty for all that I must have put her and her kids through. I know I said I was one thing and turned out to be the complete opposite. I seem to have been that way in most of my relationships, say one thing and do another. Most of the time I was too nervous to speak up and talk about the things that were bothering me and when I did I know I didn’t do it in the best of ways. For that I definetly feel regret, I had a lot of the things that I always wanted and messed it up because of my own blindness. I guess it was more just the fact that I had company that felt good. Im still not sure what all I felt towards her though, I think it was love but most of the time I was too busy worrying about this or that to really let her in that much. Same way I was in most of my relationships I guess that same mask that I hide my emotions behind I guess I use to hide myself behind and not to let anyone get close.
I know there is probably a laundry list of events that I could blame this on anything from my father pretty much not acknowledging im alive for most of my life, to the things that Patrick did to me for well over a year, to the accident at summer camp, Dave dying in my arms, the sitter I had as a kid or just the many many times I was ill. But most of these events I look back on and they don’t cause any feelings at all. Just kinda numb to anything at all it seems unless I go one one of my lil happy streaks which unfortunately only lasts a few hours and tends to be a lil uncontrollable. Some mornings when I get up as im in bed just staring blankly off into space or daydreaming I find myself crying and I have no clue why or that I can feel the tears but they just don’t want to escape. I wish I could understand why I feel this way most of the time. Or at the very least find a way to change so that I don’t feel so blank or screwed up. Ive tried everything I can think of from trying to force myself to listen to music which is something I used to love doing to going cycling or just going our for walks late at night to try to clear my head after my shift, nothing I can think of seems to work. I even tried writing again just creatively to try to maybe force out something, start with an idea that someone else gave me and try to build on it but my mind is as blank as my emotions most of the time. I don’t know why I can find things to write about in here though. Pages on end about the nothing I feel or past experiences or relationships but it seems to come out somewhat easily and does in a way make me feel a little better because even though I cant always seem to understand what im feeling when I look at what ive written I can at least kinda see my feelings and accept them a little instead of feeling like such a jumbled mess. I’m not too sure what all to think anymore though honestly in a lot of ways I want to cancel that appointment on the 29th because it scares me and I know if my family finds out they will probably go rampant but in another way I feel like maybe they can help and get me on track to knowing what a normal human being feels like.
I don’t remember the last time I felt entirely human to say the least. Most of the memories that I look back on feel really soured by the way I felt at the time with the exception of very few times. I cant quite explain it my emotions feel very messed up and jumbled even as I sit here talking to Jen and smiling I feel very down and very tired. Still wishing I could end it all. I feel so tired and not just physically but mentally from trying so hard over the years to keep a smile on my face. I don’t feel alive anymore more like a walking corpse. Just numb and doing what I was trained to do, smile, goto work and make my customers smile then come home and collapse in the privacy of my own room. Sometimes unfortunately I don’t quite last that long and barely make it home before I can feel my strength giving way and the tears flooding to the surface. I still don’t know why I cry, maybe its just the lack of feeling at all that makes me feel sad and want to cry, or just subconsciously remembering past events and the pain from those thoughts creeping to the surface and breaking through im not sure at all anymore. Just way too confused to deal with it so it just all gets pushed to the back of my face, on goes the mask with the big smile on it and off to work I go. Just to start all over again having to fight to keep that mask on, hold back all my feelings behind it and at the end of the day feel the mask begin to crumble as I go home. Just wishing once more that I could let my mind wander off and never have to think about all the **** I go through every day, just to feel alive in my dreams.
Tonight (Friday night) I had to leave work early, I felt so beyond messed up. On the way to work I heard the song better than me by hinder and just about broke down on the spot. Some things just do that to me, certain smells, songs, even the odd movie does as well. At work I just got so beyond numb and confused I couldn’t handle it anymore and left not even half way through my shift. Just started to crack I really wanted to cry so bad but did my best to hold it back so that I don’t look like a total nutjob at work, at least scott is good enough to know how messed up I feel I think and wont really have to worry about a doctors note. I just don’t feel like doing anything but collapsing anymore. I want so badly just to shut down for good, im so tired of trying to hold myself together so I resemble something close to normal. My emotions usually get the best of me always have and makes me feel used to make me feel so painful but now all that pain has just become white noise, I just done feel any of it anymore. I don’t know why or how to explain it I just feel so broken and weak. I want it to end so badly, I want to pick up my knife and cut so deep that even my soul bleeds out but im trying my best not to, most of the cuts on my wrist have healed now most of them are just red lines. I wish they would bleed so badly, I miss any feelings, even the pain feels good now.
Mood Tracker
Well I managed to finish another shift (Thursday night) , luckily my mood only did one major swing on me in the upward direction. As usual my bank account is empty so luckily I couldn’t go on any spending sprees. However when I came down on my way home I was very nervous. I really wanted to pull out my knife, the cutting seems to help a lil even if its not deep the pain feels almost orgasmic, feels very real unlike the rest of my emotions. When I swing up I seem to do so in such an off the wall manner that afterwards thinking back its more like “was that really me ?”. it only happens once in a while not too often. Most of the time Im daydreaming about death or ways to hurt myself whether it be as simple as finally cutting deep into my wrists or as difficult as me going out in some glorified death by saving someone. Sometimes I just think about walking down the railway tracks until a train comes up behind me and that would be the end of it. I don’t have the courage to do it though, at least not yet.
Last night I was thinking about my relationship with Lucie, I feel guilty for all that I must have put her and her kids through. I know I said I was one thing and turned out to be the complete opposite. I seem to have been that way in most of my relationships, say one thing and do another. Most of the time I was too nervous to speak up and talk about the things that were bothering me and when I did I know I didn’t do it in the best of ways. For that I definetly feel regret, I had a lot of the things that I always wanted and messed it up because of my own blindness. I guess it was more just the fact that I had company that felt good. Im still not sure what all I felt towards her though, I think it was love but most of the time I was too busy worrying about this or that to really let her in that much. Same way I was in most of my relationships I guess that same mask that I hide my emotions behind I guess I use to hide myself behind and not to let anyone get close.
I know there is probably a laundry list of events that I could blame this on anything from my father pretty much not acknowledging im alive for most of my life, to the things that Patrick did to me for well over a year, to the accident at summer camp, Dave dying in my arms, the sitter I had as a kid or just the many many times I was ill. But most of these events I look back on and they don’t cause any feelings at all. Just kinda numb to anything at all it seems unless I go one one of my lil happy streaks which unfortunately only lasts a few hours and tends to be a lil uncontrollable. Some mornings when I get up as im in bed just staring blankly off into space or daydreaming I find myself crying and I have no clue why or that I can feel the tears but they just don’t want to escape. I wish I could understand why I feel this way most of the time. Or at the very least find a way to change so that I don’t feel so blank or screwed up. Ive tried everything I can think of from trying to force myself to listen to music which is something I used to love doing to going cycling or just going our for walks late at night to try to clear my head after my shift, nothing I can think of seems to work. I even tried writing again just creatively to try to maybe force out something, start with an idea that someone else gave me and try to build on it but my mind is as blank as my emotions most of the time. I don’t know why I can find things to write about in here though. Pages on end about the nothing I feel or past experiences or relationships but it seems to come out somewhat easily and does in a way make me feel a little better because even though I cant always seem to understand what im feeling when I look at what ive written I can at least kinda see my feelings and accept them a little instead of feeling like such a jumbled mess. I’m not too sure what all to think anymore though honestly in a lot of ways I want to cancel that appointment on the 29th because it scares me and I know if my family finds out they will probably go rampant but in another way I feel like maybe they can help and get me on track to knowing what a normal human being feels like.
I don’t remember the last time I felt entirely human to say the least. Most of the memories that I look back on feel really soured by the way I felt at the time with the exception of very few times. I cant quite explain it my emotions feel very messed up and jumbled even as I sit here talking to Jen and smiling I feel very down and very tired. Still wishing I could end it all. I feel so tired and not just physically but mentally from trying so hard over the years to keep a smile on my face. I don’t feel alive anymore more like a walking corpse. Just numb and doing what I was trained to do, smile, goto work and make my customers smile then come home and collapse in the privacy of my own room. Sometimes unfortunately I don’t quite last that long and barely make it home before I can feel my strength giving way and the tears flooding to the surface. I still don’t know why I cry, maybe its just the lack of feeling at all that makes me feel sad and want to cry, or just subconsciously remembering past events and the pain from those thoughts creeping to the surface and breaking through im not sure at all anymore. Just way too confused to deal with it so it just all gets pushed to the back of my face, on goes the mask with the big smile on it and off to work I go. Just to start all over again having to fight to keep that mask on, hold back all my feelings behind it and at the end of the day feel the mask begin to crumble as I go home. Just wishing once more that I could let my mind wander off and never have to think about all the **** I go through every day, just to feel alive in my dreams.
Tonight (Friday night) I had to leave work early, I felt so beyond messed up. On the way to work I heard the song better than me by hinder and just about broke down on the spot. Some things just do that to me, certain smells, songs, even the odd movie does as well. At work I just got so beyond numb and confused I couldn’t handle it anymore and left not even half way through my shift. Just started to crack I really wanted to cry so bad but did my best to hold it back so that I don’t look like a total nutjob at work, at least scott is good enough to know how messed up I feel I think and wont really have to worry about a doctors note. I just don’t feel like doing anything but collapsing anymore. I want so badly just to shut down for good, im so tired of trying to hold myself together so I resemble something close to normal. My emotions usually get the best of me always have and makes me feel used to make me feel so painful but now all that pain has just become white noise, I just done feel any of it anymore. I don’t know why or how to explain it I just feel so broken and weak. I want it to end so badly, I want to pick up my knife and cut so deep that even my soul bleeds out but im trying my best not to, most of the cuts on my wrist have healed now most of them are just red lines. I wish they would bleed so badly, I miss any feelings, even the pain feels good now.
Mood Tracker