Re-Cycling

The jingle should go...."its the most confusing time of the year" Yes, it was soo simple when we were young and its all complicated now.  Even being sober and having my depression under control for the moment, I STILL get caught up in a myriad of emotion.  Social engagements, family engagements, monetary strangleholds all very cheery!!  For years I have longed for a sublime holiday.  A magical one.  I have experienced moments but nothing protracted.  Where excitement and restlessness comes from the presents under the tree, re-connecting with a loved one or the collective laughter of a room filled with spirit.  This December snuck up on me.  Like suddenly I realized it was Christmastime and I better get busy doing the things you have to do in order to present yourself in the spirit of the occassion.   I have a faked a lot things being sober.  Its one of those "suggestions".... Fake it 'til you make it.  I never liked doing that, I always wanted to feel it.  I have wanted to feel lots of things around this time of year.  Mainly the cohesion of family and friends.  Since being sober all of that has changed and every year I go through some sort of life lesson about myself, my disease, my family and my depression.  All of that is well and good but come on now.  When will I allow myself to let go?  When will I let down those walls and various armaments and capture the glow of the holiday?  Everyday I vaccillate through numbness, anger, sadness until Christmas day. I get a countdown going as to when all this will be over and life will return to normal.  Continually sabotaging my goal of being merry.  Even in a room filled with friends and family I get struck down by complete isolation.  A wave of disassociation will hit me and all of a sudden I don't belong.  I don't get it, I don't see it, I don't know why I am here with these people.  Everyone is seen in a different light.  Like THEY are all faking it too, perpetrating a collective lie about their happiness or am I projecting that upon them?  Everything becoming existential and then I want to leave.  I want to go home where I am safe or think I am safe.  Not see them again for another 6 months or so.  And once it all settles, I am profoundly sad.  Sad that I missed out on the connection.  Sad that it is over, sad that it happened so fast and I won't get the chance again.
I don't ask why it happens, I just know that it does.  I wonder how I can change it, how I can make it different the next time.  Making a New Year resolution to change but never quite knowing how to do it.  Then I seek out information as to how I can make it happen and there are no answers.  The answers I need are not in books, in therapy, in religion.  They are in dark places where no one is there to rescue you if your light goes out.  Not a scary place, just a dark one.  So I let the Christmas lights infuse me, the warmth of a room or a smile from a stranger.  I suppose thats enough for now.