End of Chapter 2...

So another miscarriage, it seems that I was pregnant and no I no longer am...  The end of Chapter 2.  There are no reasons for this miscarriage, other than my own which are:

1. It must have been a boy
2. I'm stressed
3. Just not the right embryo

1. I am so desperate to have girl, not that it would really matter, but that is the funny side to the first reason that it must have been a stinky boy.  The fact is that after such a long time of trying and now moving on to IVF for unexplained infertility it really wouldn't matter in the slightest whether it was a boy or girl (but I do secretly hope for a girl).

2. The stress, well that can be accumulated to the fact that I run my own business and that in itself is enough and no more need to be said about that.  However, Marc has been quite good about it and has taken a lot of what I would normally do, and done things himself.  This is great, but at the same time I have to learn that he doesn't work the same way I do and that is because he doesn't have the experience, but you know what he really is doing a great job and I mustn't let it get to me.

3. Just not the right embryo...  Well this covers all the unknowns and it seems to be what the nurses and doctor feels is the right answer.  It's funny that one of the nurses yesterday said to me that even after so long of trying to get pregnant and now trying IVF, whether naturally or not, until it's the right embryo I just won't get pregnant.  It is quite funny to think that If we persisted in trying naturally that we have the same odds as with IVF.  However I know that for a fact I have never been pregnant until IVF and I am certain that I have never miscarried before either.  They say a lot of girls miscarry and they don't even know it...  I find that quite interesting, because for me I'm so on the clock with my period and the flow is very specific to each day, I know what coming and how it looks and feels.  So these two miscarriages, all be them very early, I saw and felt the changes. So bright red blood, lots of it, plenty of clots, and a longer bleed than my usual light flow max 5 days - and that really is from beginning to end.

So here's what we've decided to do...

I'm to go with Marc on his conference to Melbourne as planned, not to cancel for a 3rd implant which would fall right in the middle of our trip.  I get to spend some quality "me" time while Marc goes to his conference.  I'm going to shop, go to the day spa, read and be very cosmopolitan and frequent coffee shops and eat tasty lunches.  MARc is planning a romantic evening one night while we're away and I'm going to forget about the stresses of the world.  That includes forgetting about my business for one week and forgetting about IVF and forgetting about trying to get pregnant for one week.

As much as I want to get straight into a 3rd round of IVF, it seems that not only Marc, but the nurses feel that this is a great idea and will do me the world of good.  Marc thinks that I will be able to get my head in the right place and my body will have a chance to rest and get back into the pregnancy groove.  All sounds really positive to me, so I'm going with it.  I mustn't let my overwhelming desire to have a family take over my entire being.

Well that was a big one.  Feels good to get it out and write it all down after a day of tears and sadness yesterday.  I't still sad but if I don't move on I'll never get anywhere, because this sadness can feel like an anchor and hold you down in the one place and not let go, and I want to move forward.  I don't want to hold onto this anchor, I'm taking charge and hoisting sail for better times ahead.

Here's to the prevailing winds and to where ever they might lead!