Day 5 of the taper
Jul 19, 2008 12:00AM
- 0 comments
Yesterday was bad..will not lie..didnt feel well at all and thought to myself many times maybe I went to fast..I was a fish all day and lived in the tub..HOWEVER managed to stay at only the 40mg..woohoo and survived it.. Lastnight I acutally got to sleep..my god does sleep feel good when its been missing for a few days..
Did wake up as always at 4am on the dot soaked in sweat and the wd's going beserk but instead of getting up and staying up I took my first 10mg for the day and went back to bed..I slept till 8am..10 hours of sleep with only that breif break in the middle to put dry clothes on...
Boy does my head feel clearer today..prob because of the sleep and my body is getting alittle more used to the 40mg aday dose..The bad days have been bad..no lie..its like a rollar coaster of emotions and questioning myself why I ever let this happen..but when I finally hit a day I feel better it reminds me that it does get better with time..This site is my life line..would not survive this without these wonderful people on here..have made some really good friends..that when they say they know I feel like **** they really know..they arent somebody just trying to say they know...they really do cuz they have been through it..I know its going to get worse before it gets better..and I know I only feel alittle better today because I am still at 40mg.. but thats ok I will get there.. I expect the next drop I will go through it all again and then when the ct days come it will be rough..but as long as it gets better as it goes like these days have I know I can do it..didnt think so at the time the bad days were on the go but now I know it does..wd's are still there..coming and going..good for awhile after I take the 10mg but then as it gets close to the time for the next one I can feel it all starting..I just keep trying to stretch it out..the more and more I can get inbetween the less and less I will have to take..
Kids are going away for a week so that will help..
Check back in later to update..
Todays dosage..
4:30am- 10mg (2perks)
9:00- 10mg (2perks)
Ok its 1:50 pm..my next 10mg was able to be taken almost an hour ago by what I have been doing with my taper but I am trying not to yet..trying to stretch it out so that the last 10 for the day is closer to bed..seems that makes the night alittle easier so I can atleast get to 4am before needing anything more...by then things are really going nuts..
I find for some reason that this time of day is the worse..not sure why..I wake up feeling positive..feeling alittle better then by around 1pm it comes crashing in on me..the wd go crazy, I get emotional, and sweats return with full fury.. No idea why this time of day and 4am seem to be the worse times..cant figure that one out..only at 20mg thus far and trying to stretch the other 10 till later this afternoon...so the last 10 can be evening..
I have all the symptoms back, even some that were gone this morning...now I can add the runs to the list..WONDERFUL..just what I needed...at one point I even thought to myself just take an extra 10mg and make this stop but I dont want to go backwards..want to stay where I am if not lower..so I held through the crashing thought and managed not too...but it was a thougth I will be honest...
It just kills me to know that I could make all this stop by just popping some pills..then I'd feel great, be able to carry on my day ect ect...however then I have to remind myself that is only going to make me feel like me the addict...no the real me.....and the real me is who I am desperately searching for..have not seen my real self in about five years..I think its due time for a reunion....lol check back and write more later...
4:30pm- 10mg
stretched it out as long as I could ...now I feel like I am going mental..thank god for this site or I would be doomed..managed to go since 9am this morning without any but cannot go any further..had to take the 10mg that is way past due..hopefully that will settle things alittle bit since I am truly going out of my mind..Maybe rehad is needed where I can lock myself away and just suffer in silence..where my kids and husband will not see the desperation that he says he can see in my eyes while I am withdrawing so badly..it hurts him to know I am hurting and he cannot do a dam thing to fix it..trying to cope but getting very very difficult..on the positive side should be able to stay at my 40mg total I was aiming for since that is still once dose away that I can save for evening so the night is bearable at least..
11:00 10mg.........
I am so angry at the withdrawls it unbelievable....I has so hoped to get through today on maybe only the 30mg only to come now after almost 7 hours to have to take it.. the wd are hurendous today..crawling legs, sweats, the runs, running nose,,every inch of my body hurts..and nothing I do settle it...prob today has been the most severe day even more so than day one when I jumped from 200mg to 50mg...I dont understand it...this should not be worse than that drop in dosage..not when I have been at this level a couple days..its so frustrating I just wanna scream..Feels like my brain is spinning in circles..then because of the commitment I have made to my loved ones I feel bad and guilty that I cannot do this faster..but my god I feel like I am dying now..and I mean dying...I dont know if there is an answer to why today is so bad or not..wish if there was I could find it...
Shaking it rough and extremely struggling.....neverb4
feeling very low and sad at the moment....even with hubby's shoulder to cry on nothing seems to help me today..maybe some sleep will if I honestly thought my skin would quit crawling long enough too sleep..
Ya RIGHT........thats a funny joke too..GRAND TOTAL FOR TODAY 40MG AGAIN...
Addiction Recovery Tracker
Did wake up as always at 4am on the dot soaked in sweat and the wd's going beserk but instead of getting up and staying up I took my first 10mg for the day and went back to bed..I slept till 8am..10 hours of sleep with only that breif break in the middle to put dry clothes on...
Boy does my head feel clearer today..prob because of the sleep and my body is getting alittle more used to the 40mg aday dose..The bad days have been bad..no lie..its like a rollar coaster of emotions and questioning myself why I ever let this happen..but when I finally hit a day I feel better it reminds me that it does get better with time..This site is my life line..would not survive this without these wonderful people on here..have made some really good friends..that when they say they know I feel like **** they really know..they arent somebody just trying to say they know...they really do cuz they have been through it..I know its going to get worse before it gets better..and I know I only feel alittle better today because I am still at 40mg.. but thats ok I will get there.. I expect the next drop I will go through it all again and then when the ct days come it will be rough..but as long as it gets better as it goes like these days have I know I can do it..didnt think so at the time the bad days were on the go but now I know it does..wd's are still there..coming and going..good for awhile after I take the 10mg but then as it gets close to the time for the next one I can feel it all starting..I just keep trying to stretch it out..the more and more I can get inbetween the less and less I will have to take..
Kids are going away for a week so that will help..
Check back in later to update..
Todays dosage..
4:30am- 10mg (2perks)
9:00- 10mg (2perks)
Ok its 1:50 pm..my next 10mg was able to be taken almost an hour ago by what I have been doing with my taper but I am trying not to yet..trying to stretch it out so that the last 10 for the day is closer to bed..seems that makes the night alittle easier so I can atleast get to 4am before needing anything more...by then things are really going nuts..
I find for some reason that this time of day is the worse..not sure why..I wake up feeling positive..feeling alittle better then by around 1pm it comes crashing in on me..the wd go crazy, I get emotional, and sweats return with full fury.. No idea why this time of day and 4am seem to be the worse times..cant figure that one out..only at 20mg thus far and trying to stretch the other 10 till later this afternoon...so the last 10 can be evening..
I have all the symptoms back, even some that were gone this morning...now I can add the runs to the list..WONDERFUL..just what I needed...at one point I even thought to myself just take an extra 10mg and make this stop but I dont want to go backwards..want to stay where I am if not lower..so I held through the crashing thought and managed not too...but it was a thougth I will be honest...
It just kills me to know that I could make all this stop by just popping some pills..then I'd feel great, be able to carry on my day ect ect...however then I have to remind myself that is only going to make me feel like me the addict...no the real me.....and the real me is who I am desperately searching for..have not seen my real self in about five years..I think its due time for a reunion....lol check back and write more later...
4:30pm- 10mg
stretched it out as long as I could ...now I feel like I am going mental..thank god for this site or I would be doomed..managed to go since 9am this morning without any but cannot go any further..had to take the 10mg that is way past due..hopefully that will settle things alittle bit since I am truly going out of my mind..Maybe rehad is needed where I can lock myself away and just suffer in silence..where my kids and husband will not see the desperation that he says he can see in my eyes while I am withdrawing so badly..it hurts him to know I am hurting and he cannot do a dam thing to fix it..trying to cope but getting very very difficult..on the positive side should be able to stay at my 40mg total I was aiming for since that is still once dose away that I can save for evening so the night is bearable at least..
11:00 10mg.........
I am so angry at the withdrawls it unbelievable....I has so hoped to get through today on maybe only the 30mg only to come now after almost 7 hours to have to take it.. the wd are hurendous today..crawling legs, sweats, the runs, running nose,,every inch of my body hurts..and nothing I do settle it...prob today has been the most severe day even more so than day one when I jumped from 200mg to 50mg...I dont understand it...this should not be worse than that drop in dosage..not when I have been at this level a couple days..its so frustrating I just wanna scream..Feels like my brain is spinning in circles..then because of the commitment I have made to my loved ones I feel bad and guilty that I cannot do this faster..but my god I feel like I am dying now..and I mean dying...I dont know if there is an answer to why today is so bad or not..wish if there was I could find it...
Shaking it rough and extremely struggling.....neverb4
feeling very low and sad at the moment....even with hubby's shoulder to cry on nothing seems to help me today..maybe some sleep will if I honestly thought my skin would quit crawling long enough too sleep..
Ya RIGHT........thats a funny joke too..GRAND TOTAL FOR TODAY 40MG AGAIN...
Addiction Recovery Tracker