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on the up, or not , it's so confusing

Apr 02, 2010 - 0 comments

this week I worked four full days for the first time since October. I'm back at work full time now but get an extra cushion to my phased return with the bank holidays either end of this weekend. Hurrah!

I felt good Monday and Tuesday then a bit more tired Weds and a bit more again on Thursday. My period started on Thursday, I had my annual performance review with my new director who I'm reporting to till we get a new head, the new head was announced right before my review and she will start in 4 weeks. then we all spent the whole afternoon doing a big office declutter because we're moving in October and it's a massive move so we're being pressurised to start reducing storage already. So it was quite a big day I guess.

A close colleague had hoped to get the head role and she was dissapointed. I didn't even apply for it because I have to recognise I'm just not fit enough at the moment. We went out at lunchtime, after the announcement and bought ourselves some Easter underwear to cheer ourselves up! A nice thing to do! Very funny and meant I had a nice new pale blue bra and knicker set to wear today, Good Friday!

In my review my director asked me whether it had been a surprise getting ill and I ended up bursting into tears on her! Oh well. She was fine about it and it was probably not a bad thing for her to realise what a big deal it has been for me. Providing I'm well going forward it shouldn't go against me that I've shown that "weakness."  My colleague said she'd also cried when told she hadn't got the job so our poor director had loads of tears to deal with! No wonder she's got some more expereinced in to run the team! She must think we're total losers (I know she doesn't think that and I shouldn't say such a thing because it's just silly)

I totally forgot to go to meditation after work. Really cross with myself and blaming thyroid brain fog, scared it's coming back.

Then last night I just got in a total state. Well, emotional come down from a pretty stressful day combined with it being the start of my period. I howled. Felt ridiculously suicidal. In a right mess. My poor husband. Thankfully he is an angel and just held me and was very sweet. Today I feel more philosophical. Very, very tired but probably more to do with disturbed sleep than anything else. I hope so anyway. I do feel I am on the mend now and it's important to me not to start going downhill again.

It's all so weird and frustrating. I hope that I can just focus on relaxing over Easter now and then when I get back to work on Tuesday start working towards making a good impression on this new boss and see if I can avoid getting demoted or if it's inevitable for a while which it sounds like it could well be, at least try and deal with it in the best way possible...

sigh.

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