Feeling a bit better still down a lot though and I still have random thoughts of suicide from time to time. I don’t know why but I find my anger flaring up a lil more. Just random things **** me off a lot, from the way mom talks to me like a child too people who are just too nosy. On a good note someone said hi on plentyoffish seems like a really nice gal, I’m kinda scared of the idea of another relationship still. I know I don’t really know this girl but I feel like a lot of the times in the past my “unstability” has really hurt my relationships. That’s something that no person deserves, I would like to be with someone again but I want it to be on more stable terms. Something that I can build on without sabotaging myself and not knowing it. I know looking back at my past relationships I have done some really stupid things mainly without thinking of it and I don’t know whether to say its because of how I feel sometimes or just my lack of experience in relationships in general. None of the relationships I’ve ever been in have ever really lasted to a serious level so to speak. They have always been either short or super intense (either physically or emotionally) and I feel in many ways that’s where I’ve kinda killed my chances at a true serious relationship. Not to mention all the times I got into relationships that were just wrong to begin with such as too young, married, have a boyfriend or just knowing that it would be a dead end in some way.
Now that I’m wanting to get help and to try to get myself a little more stable though its kinda frightening in that area. When I’m talking about myself how do I say anything about it, “hi my name is tony, I’m 28, single, love writing, am a major sucker for romantic movies and novels, currently seeing a psychiatrist, ohh yah and love fishing”. Definetly something I won’t be talking too much about at first, will be interesting though if I get asked out on a day that I have to go to counseling or whatever you want to call it. In a way though makes me feel better that there are still gals that are interested in me and gives me a reason to want to try to help myself, well get the help I need to help myself and understand why I get so messed up sometimes. I don’t understand why on some days I get so low, and why I can go a lil crazy at times, okay a lot crazy. Would be nice to have a day where I don’t pull a yoyo about 20 times in a day. Maybe actually get out some of the feelings that I have or at least figure out what the feelings I have are.
Well today in general didn’t go too badly ended up helping the rents to get their stuff moved, and on a positive note the rest of the day went by alright I went out for coffee with the same gal I was talking to last night she is actually a pretty sweet gal. Loves animals, artistic, very much a family person (at least from what I gathered), works with the physically and mentally challenged, articulate and very very pretty. She actually has a very soft voice though hard to hear sometimes, but her eyes are just beyond beautiful. Im an eye and lip person, I have difficulty hearing sometimes and pay close attention to faces, actually in general a very pretty woman. Who knows where things might go but I do want to take it slow and get to know her first and still work on getting myself a lil more balanced. She seems to be a very understanding person though which is good :D but all in due time and has actually asked me out on a second date, maybe a movie night in which I would love, I don’t really want anything sexual to happen between us yet but I will admit I think she would fit just perfectly in my arms. Been a bit of a morale booster actually she said I was very cute :D okay I gotta wipe off the grin now !
Anyhow back to cleaning and sorting out my room I wouldn’t want her to come and see this mess !!
Mood Tracker
Post a Comment