21st July 2008

Today I'm very depressed, yesterday evening I can't sleep also after 10 sips of EN, I was thinking about my "boyfriend" (Andrew) and the relationship with him that is going down and down and down... I'm not sure if he loves really me, and I'm not sure if I'm still in love for him... after 4 years it's the first time that I really don't know what's next.. Our long-distance relationship is very difficult at the moment, I need to feel him closer to me, to feel myself protected by him, but he's never here, only once a month for 48 hours, and all the rest of the month he's in Italy and all the day he only things about his job...
I feel really alone... too much... I'm not looking for another man because I don't need it and I don't want another one... I would only stay with him and understand and love...
Today I really need more love then the other days..
I wanna cry, I wanna scream, I wanna call him and say him "f.. off"... but I don't... I only cry and cry and cry...
I would like to explain him my concerns, but he never act to solve the problems, he just listen.. and nothing change.. and he is always so far... from myself, from here, from my heart.
Yesterday I just thought over the phone to tell me that I wanna have sex, and I suggest him some "good" ideas... but If felt so alone after he did what he wanna do and told me "I'm tired now, speak to you tomorrow my love, good night".. what the f...!!!! I'm not your hotline or sex toy!!!
Today I didn't go at work, because I felt too tired and in need of sleep.. and absolutely not in the right mood to work!!!