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I relapsed today i fell horrible.

Jul 21, 2008 10:43PM - 3 comments

today is my 3rd day off opiotes, and benzo's i want a change in my life. im sick of being sick of my addiction!! I dont want to lose my husband. & im so fearful he wil get tired of my addiction & divorce me. my family thinks hes my enabler. I dont see it there way. yes he gives me money and he knows what i buy with it. so r they rite?
i just see it as un-coditional "LOVE".. when u love somebody you would give them anything they neede or wanted. even if in a way your hurting them, why would you want to see them in pain and going thru serious withdraws. maybe my opinion is wrong, maybe it's not!!

nodody in my family has ever showed me un-conditinal Love, or giving me what i needed. not my mom, dad, sisters. NOBODY!!
So when i met my husband he showed me another outlook on Love, & trust. & has given me everything i have ever wanted he's never said no to me. so am i taing atvantage of his un-conditional "LOVE"... I always tell him he could do better with sombody else. who dosent have any  problems, and  i just have to many problems. & if he wants to leave me please do it Now ratherr than later.. i even told him if wanted to cheat on me, just to do it.. because i think he deserves so much better.. So i would understand.. but with all that i tell him he tell me he never would imagine hurting me in that way. were gonna be married forever he said, even with all my issues.. He;s an amazing Man that i Love Very Much!!

I have my Addiction to pain killers basically any type will do. but  lortab, is what i been hooked on for 6years.  i do have mental illness issue, anxiety. & infertility. Im one big walking mess!!. I have an addictive personality im starting to see that.

Does anyone no why people do have addictive personalities?? why is it heritary?
im so ashamed rite now i been clean for 3days and today would of been my 4th but i went out & bought sum pills.
I became a member 2days ago and im already starting my old ways back up again.  Im so mad at myself for taking those pills.  im lost!!

Comments
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by joann1975, Jul 22, 2008 07:21AM
Honey... 1st thing is to PLEASE stop beating your self up. I hear so much pain in what you are saying... that is possibly part of you addiction problems is it seems you don't like yourself. Don't tell your husband to leave you or cheat on you....what you are doing is thinking that you are not good enough for him so you are trying to destroy the relationship b/c you are assuming it's going to get destroyed. Technically he probably is an enabler but probably b/c he doesn't understand how serious addiction is and what it can do to you and he is just trying to make sure his wife is happy...I don't think he is doing it out of spite or meanness. Your family... I don't know about them.

I say...TODAY get back on the wagon....you can beat these pills! So many of us have! You want it I can tell by your writings...you want them out of your life so bad... so let them go. Also, I don't know how much benzos you were on or for how long....but generally you can not stop those cold turkey as it is dangerous.

We are all here for you........that's what the forum is for! If you need to talk you can PM me or Post on the forum. I wish you luck in all you do!

JoAnn

by scaredmom330, Jul 22, 2008 07:30AM
have to agree with Joann1975... don't beat yourself up, just pick yourself up and start again, Everyone falls at one time or another... don't sabotage your relationship with hubby, he sounds wonderful and that he will be there for you always. him leaving or having an affair would just hurt you more... he needs to realize your addiction and not give your $ for them,.

your family sounds like my mom...but hold your head high, start over today as day one. you can do this,I believe in you but stay on this site, there are so many wonderful people here that can help you.  they sure have me... post me if you need to talk, I am here for you my friend

Karen

by losttaya, Jul 22, 2008 07:34AM
Hi Arlene,
Please, please stop beating yourself up.  It will only make u feel worse and want to use the pills more.  I abused tramadol becaused it helped with my depression.  I relasped several times and almost lost my family.  With my husband, pastor, God and dr's constant help I have stayed away from the pills.  I feel sooo much better not being control by those d*** pills.  It's a process and sometimes we fall but WE CAN GET RIGHT BACK UP.   You can do it!  Get help...its harder to do it alone.  Please let me know if I can do anymore to help.   May God bless you!!!!!

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