dumb decisions

Well yesterday was a complete mess was all over the place woke up feeling great then went kaboom way down and right back up. I woke up feeling  tired as heck only had about 4 hours sleep as usual. But as the day progressed, I kinda went up and down, someone who I had met on the weekend and I were texting like mad, just sharing information talking and trying to get to know eachother. She is actually really sweet and beautiful but as the day went on things went up with no signs of stopping she had mentioned that if I called in sick we could have our movie night tonight instead of tomorrow, which I thought was a nice idea as I have a ton to do tomorrow so got jen to phone in for me and tell them basically I had done a splat in my room. Which wasn’t far off the meds usually make me dizzy and cause abit of blurred vision at least while I was on them (the script ran out) which is good hopefully the management will believe me when I go in. But that’s not the bad part I really like this gal, she is sweet, kind and sincere. Really family oriented and just an all around great gal, so I went over to her place with the intent of talking, watching a movie and maybe sneaking a kiss in. I didn’t really want to rush things in a way but unfortunately things got a little out of control with the kisses, I feel really super guilty now for messing it up. She is a super amazing gal, quite honestly the kind of woman I had pictured myself with long ago, goal oriented, smart, funny, sweet loves animals but because I let my emotions get a little out of control (as well as my hormones) I feel as though ive really damaged chances of anything coming of this badly.
I want a knife so badly right now because of it, here I was telling myself okay im not going to get into that kind of relationship again and set myself up for failure I want a great gal that I can take my time and really build up things with. But I slipped right back into my old sabotage myself habits. This ***** so bad because when I screw up this badly and realize it shortly after I hit bottom hard and fast and would beg for any physical pain I can cause myself at all most of the cuts on my wrist have healed and have only left a few small marks as have the burns in other spots, I don’t want to go down that road again. Im trying very hard not to reach for the knife both because I know even though it feels so good that its  something I shouldn’t be doing as well I wouldn’t want this gal to start questioning all the marks on my wrist

I just hope that she was being honest when she said she wants to see me again. Maybe I can undo some of the stupid damage ive already done. God this *****, in a way I wish I had just stuck to talking to her online until I started the appointments and saw how things go, I know there will be people in the future but I feel really crappy that I messed things up with a really really nice gal. Especially one who thinks so highly of me and actually values the things that I do as well. Quite honestly in a lot of ways she is very much like a clone of me, same interests, soft personality (which I hope the forgiving part is the same as well) just very much a person that I felt I meshed and connected with. Something that I don’t think has ever happened on quite this level. Im trying to stay positive and hope that she is truly serious about still wanting to see me but I find myself doubting it more and more as each moment passes. This is definetly another truly Tony Screw up  maybe one day ill actually grow half a brain and not do such stupid **** based upon some random whoopee so to speak.
After doing something so stupid in a way I cant wait to go see the shrink, im tired of the feeling I get after one of my lil upswings. I wish the graph on medhelp had a super up for the moods. I do such dumb things when I go lie this some of which have caused me some rather big debts which im still not sure ill ever pay off at the rate im going because everytime I have a paycheck that could be used to drop my visa balance or pay off a debt I end up going whee, shop shop, whered the money go ? then boom right back down to the bottom going WTF was I thinking and how can I be that stupid. Im like a 14 year old when it comes to money im good at least at paying my rent but everything else not so good at. Last count im only about 6800$ in debt and id hate to see my credit score from all the late payments ive made or partials. Nearly got my telus account suspended last month because I decided on a random whim when I was off in space to buy a PSP, which I now barely use.
Just making way too many ****** decisions based upon my mood at the moment and then having to regret it later ! something I really have got to stop ! I think very soon im going to setup my bank account so basically when my pay goes in part of it goes right off for rent, part to pay telus and part to kill off my visa then just say 40$ a pay to myself so that I can do something. Then lock myself out of my account ! just so that I cant do **** this dumb anymore. But eventually im going to have to learn how to control my moods and my habits on my own so doesn’t really work very well for that does it. Another thing for about the last 2 days ive actually been wanting to cancel that appointment up until all of this happened im glad I don’t have the number cause in a way I still do want to cancel it I feel beyond stupid and beyond help right now. Joe says I should go in even if its just a hey whats up and them say your find just a lil unbalanced or not. I think he is right both because of my mood swings and how bad my habits are getting I definetly need some help on controlling myself, my emotions, my habits and being able to work on my responsibility as well.
Im just too messed up and feeling tired right now so im going to tak ea break play a game or two on another one of my dumb decisions (which includes this laptop !) and maybe come back to write more. Dunno yet.


part 2 ...
had a few hours to cool down i still feel kinda crappy that i let things get outta control that bad at times. I dont feel like ive put this woman on a very high pedestal its just that we really hit it off in a lot of ways, to me at least its like meeting a mirror of myself she has the same interests, the same feelings about relationships, alot of the same beliefs in general (which is very rare for me to find someone who thinks kind of old fashioned like i do, at least in my age group) , just a nice gal that im afraid my lack of thinking may have sabotaged a chance at a real relationship so to speak. I do also appologize but she didnt ask me to call in sick she had said that its too bad i cant call in sick and take the night off, which honestly in a few ways made me feel better to have a  night off. My patience and lack of better judgement when my moods go haywire is going to cost me my job soon. For me when i go up i dont think clearly, the only thing that comes to mind is will this make me happy half the time, just one blast after the other of instant gratification. Ive done it quite a few times and in some cases have gone off on extremes. A good example was the day i bought this laptop, was just a good day in general was feeling rather happy and decided on total whim to plunk down $1000 and buy it just cause i wanted it. Unfortunately that was on my credit card which i only use for groceries or emergencies and pretty much blew my limit in one go. I have more "toys" than i can count becuase on random good days just wen and shopped, ive also at times just made other poor decisions especially when it comes to alchohol. When i drink and im in a good mood i drink to very extremes to the point where prettty much i wake up the next day with a hangover going WTF happend. Actually just for the sake of arguement right now without getting up the number of "toys" ive bought just on random whims when in one of my little giddy up days, 4 airsoft guns, PSP, laptop, Cell phone (blackberry), MP4 Player, liquid cooling system for my pc (amongst other stuff for it too) and a ton of magic cards. So probably the better part of say for fun about $3500 (thats without looking in the closet, drawers and what i have stored out of sight) the big issue is that i make only about $1200 a month, and end up racking up credit cards, overdraft and other stuff just getting this stuff when im up, just a shot at making me feel happier i guess.

The other reason why i kick myself afterwards isnt just the financial problems it causes when i go up and go off on these spending sprees, but also the relationship ones and i dont just mean romantic, but friendships as well. When i go up quite honestly i get into a complete i dont give a **** about anyone but me kinda mood. people who ive known for years ive literally stomped on becuase they tried to "bring me down" when i was in one of these moods, and sometimes i dont even remember doing it. One of my friends Lieghanne, a girl whom ive known for years and in many ways think of as family i know ive told her off more than a few times. Same goes for curtis, Steve, Bri and a few others who when i was up just kinda went who cares about you and for that im definetly sorry. Even worse are some of the decisions ive made at work just becuase for the moment it made me feel good. I work in a call center for a credit card company dealing with Canadian High Rollers literally, most of my customers spend 50 grand or more in a year, in some cases multiple millions. More than once just because a CM has pissed me off ive either blown my stack or just flat out disconnected them. Tend to get very spiteful sometimes just for minor things in or out of work.

someone had mentioned on my last entry to "move on and learn what to look out for to not fall into the same trap in the future will help you"  the problem is that when i go up i dont think at all rationally, you could put a minefield in front of me and say get to the other side and i would just play hopscotch and go through it instead of walking around it. A little extreme of an answer but you get the point, i dont think of things like this when i go up. Even if i did manage to catch myself and when i answer its like im lying to myself and i dont even see the lie. Sounds stupid i know and at times when i do go on my major lil upswings its almost like i have the lil cartoon devil on my shoulder just saying "do it!" too bad the lil angel aint up there with him.

I know at times lately ive been a lil extremely harsh on myself when i go down as well, a few of my friends have noticed and have commented more than a few times. Even worse is when ive gone down ive cut myself pretty bad a few times :( luckily ive only gotten 2 noticible scars from it, same goes for burning myself although luckily the marks from doing that arent in a visible area. Im still scared ******** in a lot of ways about the appointment next week, kinda keep hoping ill just have a good day and he'll go your fine and boot me out. On the other hand im tired of swinging so far in between either im suicidal or im "high" most of the time. My down days get really bad some days, my mind races, constant thoughts of suicide and ways to die. I could probably write an encyclopedia of ways to die by now. Sometimes when im really really down i can hear a voice, no clue who it is or what their saying kinda like backround mumbling but its a little reassuring for some reason. Who knows maybe i have a gaurdian angel looking out for me, although im nto a firm believe on that kind of stuff but sure seems like it somedays. Ive had days where ive literally sat there with the knife in my hand, shaking holding it at my wrist and something just holds me back from slashing right through it. Quite honestly im not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Im so tired of it all in so many ways, in others i just want to hang on in the slim chance that tommorow may be better and maybe ill actually feel normal and wont be swinging all over the place again. When i spoke to one of my friends about how i feel its kinda like im an emotional crack addict, i get withdrawn (literally), cranky, bitchy and hurt myself, get myself super high do dumb **** and then after the high wears off i crash right back into the witdrawl, feeling beyond crappy and hurting myself. Before anyone says it no i dont do drugs, unless you count cigarettes, although i do drink like crazy when given the chance.

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